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to admit I am struggling and dont know what to do...

(22 Posts)
cjt110 Wed 25-Nov-15 11:01:41

I will apologise in advance for the long meandering post. To be honest it's not an AIBU but a post for help....

I finally admit it. I am struggling. I love my son with all my being but I am struggling. I am a victim of my own stupidity and control freak tendancies. I cannot let/ask for help because I am such a control freak, yet I am not coping because I feel I have so much to do. It's taken 15 months to finally admit to my husband I am struggling and that sometimes I just need a break. I just dont get this whole parenting stuff. How you do it 24/7 and don't burn out and explode.

Right now I hate work. Everyone is on such a downer due to internal issues that it's not enjoyable.

I have so much going on right now that all I want to do is crawl into bed and hide.

I just can't switch off. I am always worrying about something. However small or large. I can;t switch off from DS.

I get wound up over such small things that are really not worth noting.

I get frustrated that DS is his own little self. Not just the cute bits but also the tantrumming, grumpy little boy who is discovering the world

Last night I think DH finally realised (because of my lack of asking him for help) that I was struggling when I said "I just can't do this anymore" re DS being a typical toddler and going to bed at 7 yet faffing around for an hour, involving several put back downs by me the night before before he finally went to sleep at 8. I went and had a soak in the bath, earphones in so I couldnt hear anything whilst he did bedtime (for an hour) with son. I couldnt even bring myself to go into the room. Which in itself I wanted to beat myself up over because what kind of monster cant even go into their sons room?

Then I called my mum and admitted how much I am struggling and bawled my eyes out because I feel it's a weakness to admit I am struggling.

Then I sat with DS fast asleep on me and bawled my eyes out to him telling him how much I love him and Im sorry for being cross.

I feel utterly exhausted all the time. I am undergoing tests to find out why. My memory is so unbelievably shocking I wonder how I even remember my name right now.

where do I go from here

Crunchycookie Wed 25-Nov-15 11:09:08

See your GP and get signed off from work.

Loveleopardprint Wed 25-Nov-15 11:11:08

I think you might be depressed. I had very similar feelings after both of my children. Please go and see your gp before it gets any worse. thanks

PepperThePrepper Wed 25-Nov-15 11:14:07

I felt exactly the same. I was diagnosed with PND when dd was 11 months old. You need to see your GP.

DawnOfTheDoggers Wed 25-Nov-15 11:15:44

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MiaFarrowsWheelbarrow Wed 25-Nov-15 11:18:41

Don't beat yourself up, I can 99.9% guarantee that any working parent (mother) has been there and felt the same as you do now at some point.

You are exhausted that is all.

Tell your partner he needs to step up and help more and try to find a little bit of time for yourself, without feeling guilty about it.

If you are really struggling then please do see your doctor who may be able to suggest a short course of anti-anxiety tablets which may help you cope better before you fall into depression.

Remember, you are not alone, you are coping better than you think, and there is no shame in asking for help.

For you flowers

Dangermouse1 Wed 25-Nov-15 11:20:08

Don't know how helpful I can be but I didn't want to read and run. Firstly, everyone has these moments parenting a toddler so you're not the only one and it doesnt make you a bad parent. 15 months is quite a relentless age and it does get easier. You've done the right thing speaking to your DP, remember it isn't so much him helping you as both of you being a team to parent your child, so you need to help each other. I would recommend splitting up bedtimes so you do 3 or 4 nights per week each. Use 2 of your nights when not on duty to catch up on chores and try to do something nice on the others (yoga class? Drink with friend? Even going to the supermarket if it gets you away from the noise in the house).

From your post have you already seen your GP about tiredness? Anaemia is very common and there is another thread where pp were saying it can be linked to anxiety so that could be contributing. Have you already had blood tests? If not I would ask, if you have wouldn't do any harm to take multivitamin with iron while you wait for the results.

And maybe move your post into parenting (can be a tad aggressive on AIBU which you probably don't need)

ChazsBrilliantAttitude Wed 25-Nov-15 11:22:08

I agree with others that you should speak to your GP especially if you are under investigation for other problems as physical conditions can also affect your mood.

How much does your DH do or possibly given your control freak tendencies how much do you let him do?

If you have underlying health problems that will make things harder so you have to be willing to let go of things - difficult to do if you feel that controlling things is the only way to stop the whole world and yourself falling apart.

Bedtimes are a stress point for you right now, so can your DH do them.

Remember Good enough is good enough - things don't have to be perfect or done exactly. Its OK to let standards slip a bit.

Download some relaxation apps - I find they help me switch off a bit if my brain is whirring.

I have locked myself in the bathroom to avoid my DC after a stressful day at work - I just needed sometime to decompress. Nobody can cope with constant pressure even if that pressure comes from lovely smiley children.

BiscuitMillionaire Wed 25-Nov-15 11:25:53

I want to say 'well done' for telling your DH that you can't do it any more and going to have a bath with headphones in. That was a great first step in admitting that you are not super-human and you have needs too. It does not make you a 'monster'! Now go and talk to your GP.

cjt110 Wed 25-Nov-15 11:37:47

Thankyou everyone for all your kind replies.

I am looking into mindfulness and meditation to see if that helps at all.

I find I cant bare to be away from DS yet when Im with him, I crave alone time.

I am already on antidepressants (citalopram) and suffer from an underactive thyroid. I have had a tranche of bloods taken this morning (Coeliac, Diabetes, Liver function tests, etc etc) so will await my blood tests.

The dr did ask yesterday how I was at work and I said stressed but he didnt say any more. Although I would love to be signed off, Im not sure it would do me much good as I'd end up at home with DS (as it would seem silly for my parents to have him if I were off) and end up feeling like I was "stuck" at home and end up going to my parents anyway and then feel bad bacuse I was signed off work so if I am well enough to go to my parents, I could be at work etc etc.

I feel like I am ALWAYS at my drs at the moment. And I feel bad for having time out of work to go.

I think with my DH, he lets me do what I do because I cant let him do them if that makes sense?

ChazsBrilliantAttitude Wed 25-Nov-15 14:08:47

I think you have to find some tasks you can completely delegate to your DH. Start with something small that you don't care about too much. No matter how much you are itching to intervene, walk away and let him do it. It does get easier. Maybe pick one of the potential flashpoint tasks e.g. putting DS's shoes on in the morning - let DH do it (his way wink) and accept that as long as you end up with a child with shoes on it doesn't matter who does it or how it is done.

The world won't fall apart if you don't control everything although its hard to believe at first.

Slowly it will help lighten your burden when you can mentally switch off and say that is not my job.

TheOnlyOliviaMumsnet (MNHQ) Wed 25-Nov-15 14:22:35

hello OP
We will shortly be moving this out of AIBU as you requested but just wanted to remind you to be kind to yourself.

It's a GRIM time of year - with no vitamin D and dark evenings and cold season plus you have existing health issues. Juggling toddler and work is Hard Work let alone when you're not functioning properly.

There will be others along with better and doubtless longer advice but just wanted to send you strength and valour and maybe a big vat of soup and a hot water bottle and a rom com.

Peace and love

cjt110 Wed 25-Nov-15 14:32:20

ChazsBrilliantAttitude That's such a great suggestion. I really do need to learn to hand the reigns(sp!) over a bit to him. Because I end up getting cross when I seem to have a billion jobs and he's sat on his bum watching tv or on his pc - even though I've told him to do it.

TheOnlyOliviaMumsnet Thank you for your kind words flowers

Dangermouse1 Wed 25-Nov-15 17:42:36

Hi again OP, sounds like you are stuck in a bit of a vicious cycle of being physically ill / tired, which is having a negative impact on your mental state which is in turn stopping you doing anything that could make your life easier.

I think i agree about getting signed off work possibly not being the best move as this may just make you feel more stressed / depressed but have you talked to your boss about work, the thyroid issue alone should be enough to get some understanding around medical appointments etc so I wouldn't beat yourself up about this. Would any minor changes like shifting your hours / flexible hours be helpful?

I think you know that you need to let your DH take on more of the load (is it just parenting or housework too where you're a bit of a control freak?). The suggestion above is spot on. And the more you hand over control, the better he and ds will cope and the better the situation will get, so dont let one bumpy bedtime or incident put you off. Can you pinpoint what's causing you to feel as you do (aside from feeling physically rubbish which Im sure is part of the problem)? is this an ongoing thing or has it been worse since you had your baby? Could anything have triggered it - bad birth experience, issues breastfeeding, has your baby been ill? There may be specific advice people can give you to help deal with it if so (lots of wise folks around on MN).

Your GP sounds like they are taking you seriously so please keep going and try to get to the bottom of things.

cjt110 Thu 26-Nov-15 10:23:00

I am extremely lucky with work - they are very good for Drs/hospital appts etc. I just feel like a child though. Take this morning, where by 8.55 I had had a meltdown at one manager (who is also a good friend) and burst into tears.

Last night I asked Dh to help with a few tasks and let him gt on with it, even against my inner control freak fighting when he put pjs on that were a little too small. I just let him get on with it and rejoiced when DS soaked himself in milk and then needed to get into the properly fitting pjs

I think I have always suffered depression from 2009 when I had a bit of a nervous breakdown and from time to time, it rears its ugly head and makes even the smallest task just seem impossible.

I think one issue that I am struggling with post birth is just a connection with my son. Dont get me wrong, I love him to pieces but sometimes I wonder if I love him enough because love should feel stronger for your child (IMwarpedO) than mine sometimes does. I quite often find comfort in escaping and watching him play rather than playing with him.

Hoping to get my bloodtest results this morning and hoping they indicate some issue so at least I know I'm not just a nutter!

cjt110 Thu 26-Nov-15 11:09:05

So far 2 tests back - Liver Function Test low but no concern. Also thyroid level increased from 0.7 to 2.7 but again, no concern and to review at next routine appt. Waiting on last ones which I think are the diabetes, coeliac ones.

Dangermouse1 Thu 26-Nov-15 19:51:32

Don't have time to post much but just wanted to say well done on the pj's!

cjt110 Fri 27-Nov-15 11:00:22

Its a little thing Dangermouse but little things add up. DH had cooked tea and tidied the house when I got in last night. I handled bedtime all on my own last night, including DS being awake and getting upset. So I got him out of bed, cuddled him and cradled him, talked very quietly to him and tickled his face and he fell asleep in my arms. Put him down and he was sparko.

Dangermouse1 Sat 28-Nov-15 19:10:27

I'm glad to hear things are looking up a bit. It's nice to feel like you've had a parenting win like a nice bedtime. Enjoy the rest of the weekend.

TesticleOfObjectivity Sat 28-Nov-15 19:26:39

Hi op, I just wanted to say, if you don't already, then I'd get in some vitamin d tablets. You can get about a month's worth in Wilkinson's for about £1.50. I get very low, tired, mental fog and all that this time of year usually, but after having found out all about vitamin d last year, I began taking them regularly for the last few months I have been nowhere near as bad this year. Definitely worth a try I think.

I have a 16 month old and I have days when it all gets on top of me too. Asking for help isn't a weakness at all. And make sure your dh is doing his share and that you sit back and let him. My dp usually takes our dd downstairs on the weekend and does everything for an hour or two while I stay in bed. Or he'll take her out while I stay in or vice versa. The physical separation is good because it stops you swooping in to do things your way.

I quite often find comfort in escaping and watching him play rather than playing with him. So do I! I love watching my dd but while I sit back and have myself to myself for once. I don't think that makes me or you bad mothers!

cjt110 Mon 30-Nov-15 10:41:02

Testicle I went and got some high strength ones on Friday and am also taking some multivitamins too. Not expecting miracles just yet but hopefully a start.

I think my husband now realises that I struggle to ask for help as he has been helping me more. The test will also come on Friday when he's at work and I'm off for the day with DS as my parents are going away. Already itching at the thought!

TesticleOfObjectivity Mon 30-Nov-15 21:40:49

That sounds positive about your husband op. I hope you've been feeling a bit better. smile

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