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Should I just bite the bullet and try for DC2?

(15 Posts)
Needmorewine Tue 24-Nov-15 15:25:52

I'm all over the place at the moment with this. One DD who is 2.8. Love her to pieces but my goodness it is hard work sometimes BUT things are getting much easier - she sleeps through now, is at pre school twice a week, DH and I are not constantly sniping at each other because one of us has been up all night with DD. I don't work - am starting a part time post grad course for a new career in January which I have been a long time getting around to doing.
Should be able to start full time work when DD starts school - found a lovely school we would like her to go too with fab before and after school care, holiday clubs etc to enable me to focus on my career.

We would still have extra money after paying for this - with me working full time we might even be able to extend or move again (currently in a two bed). On paper it is not the right time at all to have another now, I don't even particularly know if I ever will have the urge for another.

But my goodness - I feel so guilty. I am not exaggerating when I say I am the only person out of everyone I know with children DDs age who is not pregnant / already had number two. Sometimes I think wistfully having 2 DC close in age who would keep each othe entertained would be lovely and if I can just get through the first couple of years of sleep deprivation / loneliness / nappies it might be worth it.

We were planning on revisiting the situation in maybe 4/5 years time and possibly trying again then - but is that just making things much harder going back to the baby stage? And would it be very unfair to put DC2 in childcare when I will have been at home with DD until she started school ? I'm 27 now so time is on my side, but am I better to do it now, get it over and done with and just accept I would have to put my career aspirations on hold for x years ??

Is that better for DD in the long run. I don't want to be selfish and I worry so much about whether or not having a sibling close in age for DD is the right thing to do or not.

Anyone had a similar dilemma and how did it turn out ?

Apologies for the ramble.

NeededANameChangeAnyway Tue 24-Nov-15 15:36:21

You need to figure out why you feel guilty - guilty that your dd might be a single or have a big age gap? Guilty that you are not pregnant when all your mate are? Guilty that you're hoping to focus on your career? If it's not the right time then it's not the right time! Don't feel guilted into doing something you're not sure about.

also, work out the cost of childcare for two and see if you can afford it...For us it was so eye watering it's really put the idea of number 2 out the window.

Ragwort Tue 24-Nov-15 15:40:36

As Needed says - work out why you are feeling so 'guilty' about all of this, there is no Law that says you have to have two children. If you and your DH/partner want another child, then decide between the two of you when is the right time. Or stick with one child as we have done, very happily. smile

Whaleshark Tue 24-Nov-15 15:44:45

I think you need to stop worrying about what other people are doing, and focus on what is right for you and your family. From your OP it sounds very much like you do not want a second child right now, but maybe some time in the future? Go with what you want, and see how you feel in a few years. Your DD would be fine, whether you had another child now, in a few years or not at all, so what matters is what you and your DH want.

Error404usernamenotfound Tue 24-Nov-15 15:55:06

I know many happy only children, and plenty of people who get on brilliantly with their large-age-gap siblings (myself being one of the latter smile ). Have children if/when it is right for you and your DH to do so. That's it. Also, if you are starting a post-grad course in January, what would the effect of that be on raising another baby, and would you be able to take a break part way through the course?

As you yourself say, time is on your side in terms of age, so you just need to work out what is best for you and your family.

Needmorewine Tue 24-Nov-15 18:04:29

Thank you all so much for replying. I think the guilt is partly because of the expectation round here at baby groups etc in general, most of the mums are SAHM and have 2/3 DC fairly close together - I am always fending off questions about when we will have another one, makes me feel like I am being v selfish putting my wish for a career over a second DC close in age.

I feel a bit sad sometimes when I see groups of siblings down the park / soft play etc and I'm there with DD and she doesn't have the ready made playmate. I had a lovely childhood with 3 siblings and a Mum who was always around and feel guilty I won't be recreating that for my DD even though I KNOW thrtr is more than one way to bring up a happy child! Interestingly my mum is my biggest advocate - she is always encouraging me to go to uni and get my career and telling me how lucky and happy my DD is - I need to listen to her really !!! I feel like It's taking up far too much of my headspace at the moment really.

Needmorewine Tue 24-Nov-15 18:10:43

Hi Error the part time course Is part time for lectures and theory work I can do a lot via distance learning but full time placement wise - would need to be "on the job" 8-5 roughly x5 days a week for long periods so this is why I have waited until Jan as I can put off my first placement until September when DDs funded hours at pre school will kick in - having another one would just make it so tough financially for us to do that. Childcare costs seem insane!! And I think now Dd is older I have the energy and can usually get a good night sleep etc so will be be able to put my all into it.

poocatcherchampion Tue 24-Nov-15 18:14:26

But all the people at groups are sahms because other mums/parents are at work!

If you were working no doubt you would come across other working mums and that would seem more normal. Iyswim?

From reading your post you don't really want more now, possibly not ever. That is fine - although you don't need t'internet to tell you. Have the courage of your convictions! flowers

Rinceoir Tue 24-Nov-15 18:17:37

I'm similar, have plans to do some research, possibly a PhD, and won't be thinking of a second until DD has started school. I do feel like I should be thinking about a sibling for her sooner, but at the moment we are very happy, and to be honest the cost of full time childcare for two would cripple us right now

museumum Tue 24-Nov-15 18:22:54

poocatcher is right. You're meeting a self selected group of people in your sahp settings (toddler group etc). If you used a private nursery you'd meet different families and more of a mix.
I'm self employed and for various reasons we couldn't have two less than three years apart minimum. Ds is now 2.3 and I'm leaning towards not having another. We will decide in the next 12 months as I'm much older than you but you don't need to rush.

Needmorewine Tue 24-Nov-15 19:01:16

poocatcher that's a really good point I've never thought of it like that before !! I do have some friends who work f/t but I think for them it is more of a necessity rather than something they would chose to do iyswim? I'm pretty sure they think I'm a bit peculiar for wanting to start something stressful f/t when I could be at home, but to be honest I am not a natural SAHM and I struggle some days with what to do and loneliness. I'm in awe of you doing a PHD Rince that would be very fulfilling. It's nice to hear from someone in a similar situation.

poocatcherchampion Tue 24-Nov-15 20:01:01

Given my previous thought went down well I'll offer another one: it is possible that the people you know who work for financial reasons just say that. I think lots of people think I work because j must because I am a very hands on sahm type when I am on mat leave or not at my part time job. But I work because I enjoy my job and they let me go part time and it works out well.

If you had a second you could go back as soon as you want and imply anything..

Needmorewine Wed 25-Nov-15 14:10:32

Thanks poocatcher and to everyone else who contributed - DH and I had a long chat last night and we have decided to shelve the idea of DC2 completely for now and revisit again in 4/5 years. He has a sister two years younger who he does not have a great relationship with and is adamant if we have a second it should be because we want another child, rather than as a playmate for DD.

poocatcherchampion Wed 25-Nov-15 15:23:24

Good. Do you feel relieved?

sparklewater Sun 13-Dec-15 00:49:06

I have just had second child - eldest is in year one, so quite a big gap.

I was never sure I wanted two, but am glad he's here now! Eldest got loads of attention, and now youngest is too while eldest is at school. Only one lot of childcare costs at a time, so I've been able to keep my career going too.

If you do decide to have another then the age gap is no bad thing at all! smile

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