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Please give me tales of 2nd babies(68 Posts)
My DS is 12 months, he is a delight, but when he's hard, it's so hard and I find myself thinking I just can't go through this all again.
The first few months were very difficult, as he was a big cryer, but I worry that I only seem to remember how hard it was, especially when I know we had lovely times too.
My DH and I have no family close by, so we have zero support aside from each other. DH works long hours in a high pressured and stressful job, I have given up a high pressured, stressful job to be a SAHM, which, some days/weeks seems like a stupid idea. But I don't really want to go back either.
Anyway my main question is - were the bad times as bad 2nd time round? Is it worse? Or has it been easier in some respects? Just tell me the good, the bad and the ugly please!
I should say, I'm not pregnant, just pondering!
My first was a difficult baby, silent reflux and crap sleeper. Decided to have number 2 sooner rather than later as I knew that if my first got to around 3 or 4 I just wouldn't want to go back to the sleepless nights and nappies etc.
So DD2 arrived when DD1 was 18mo. They are now 3 and 18mo. Honestly the first year was so hard, keeping toddler busy and going through breastfeeding and sleepless nights and cluster feeding. But I made it easier on myself by introducing a bottle ao DD2 was mixed fed could be left for a few hours whilst I went out with DD2.
So the first year was hard, but now my youngest is walking, talking a bit, eating and sleeping well and in a similar routine to my eldest. It is becoming a lot easier. And I'm so glad I did it close together.
Good luck with whatever decision you make.
I'm in a similar mindset, I've always wanted lots of kids but find that I really don't enjoy this baby stage. I think it makes sense to space them close together to get it out of the way!
I'm really interested to hear what people have to say too - especially regarding age gap. My Mum seems to think having them too close together will lead to sibling rivalry but I'm presuming this is something you can parent your way around?
Thanks for your replies. Interesting point about having them close together as I always thought I would but having found it so hard, I just can't see it now!
Oh maybe it will all sort itself out! It's not going to get easier I know th/at much!
I really didn't enjoy the baby stage but the second year was much better. I had DD when DS was 2.9 and I felt much more relaxed the second time.
First 12-18 months of having two kids (18 months between them) was sheer bloody grind at some points - I'd come to work and go in the toilet so I could sit and close my eyes in the cool and dark, just for a few minutes.
18 years later though, it was so worth it, and has been all the way through really. After the really hard bit of getting up at night, the kids have always got on well together. They are the same sex, so could share toys, clothes, interests etc, and you could entertain them both at the same time with the same thing.
Go for it OP - get it all over and done with in 3 years, and enjoy the post-baby, small child years
though they aren't always plain sailing either
i was terrified of my first...sounds daft, but he cried all the time and was never content and i didnt have a clue what to do, no family support etc, dh worked long hours and i was so exhausted my vision would get blurry. once he was about 6 months he became very contented and it all clicked...hes now 11 and i couldnt have predicted how relaxed and easy going he has been. no 2 and 3 were little sweetheart babies, all snuggly, easy feeders and cute little toddlers...they are now 8 and 6 and they are full on most of the time. not in a bad way but noisy and bicker with each other...but also have secret clubs and sleepovers etc.
thinking back to when it was two it just seemed a bit easier than with one...if possible! the older ones were always entertaining the little one and its really nice to have a little group that get on with each other...when they tolerate it. they are all playful in nature and its lovely when they get to the stage of going downstairs on their own and making breakfast and chatting away to each other
My second was soooo much easier! She used to fall asleep as soon as dd1 ever started crying...I think it was her version of white noise
Mine were 18 months apart and it was v hard work for a while but so worth it. Dd and then ds, best of friends then and now. I'm so pleased they were close in age. Dd was v colicky & nightmare baby but grew into a lovely little girl - it gets so much easier once they get to 2 and can communicate. Ds was a dream sleeper - opposite of his big sister so that made it much easier. It was blooming hard work but somehow you get through because there's just no choice and it was so worth it. Just go for it & hopefully baby 2 will be easier. I'm now on #3 and it's hard work but I don't regret it for a moment.
I couldn't face the idea of a second when the memories of the first 18 months of dc1 were too fresh. He's now 3.5 & I still don't fancy it much. 1 is so easy & affordable@@
My ds is 23 months and I've only just felt ready to ttc. There was actually a period in the early months when I didn't think I'd have a second. I am v nervous about having 2 but although I see a lot of sense in having 2 close together, I just wasn't mentally ready until now.
I've seen a friend have her second (2.2 yr gap) and she's done amazingly so that's given me hope! The first few months were tough but after that they seemed to find a routine that worked for them.
I couldn't contemplate a second DC until dc1 was sleeping better, so there is 2yrs 9m between my DC. Dc2 had silent reflux so wasn't a very happy baby, but once diagnosed and on infant gaviscon, all was much better (had he have been my first I probably would have settled for 'colic' diagnosis but as a second time mum I felt confident it wasn't 'OK'.)
I would recommend getting a sling, stretchy for first 4-6m eg close caboo and then a soft structured carrier for after that (we had beco soleil) as you can almost carry on normally with dc1 to an extent.
I'd also totally endorse getting a cleaner even if only a couple of hours a week. Outs started when I was early days pregnant and sick and she has carried on, it means once a week the house looks presentable.
There are times when they argue but usually get on well and the older one although driven mad by the toy pinching and Lego and puzzle stamping is fiercely protective of his little brother.
DS2 is four weeks old tomorrow, DS1 is four.
We are like you - no family to help, just us. We both work full time (but compressed hours) in high pressure jobs.
Having seen friends in similar situations have second babies with smaller age gaps, I'm so, so glad we waited. DS1 is fairly rational, old enough to be a bit self-sufficient, and well settled into his nursery routine. He is old enough to watch a film if we all need a break (brilliant during pregnancy with HG) and adores his brother. Can be bribed if needed, and gets the concept of delayed gratification much of the time.
DS1 had silent reflux and took ages to sleep properly. Honestly, I think with two the sleep deprivation would have been too much. DS1 sleeps well now and so far DS2 is a dream baby. Don't know how much is me being more confident and relaxed, and how much is his personality. And how much is learning to sleep through noise (brothers + builders) from day 1, instead of everyone tiptoeing around.
Mine are only 13 months apart so I was waiting on DS2 arriving in your current position It was physically quite tough but but DH was a stay at home Dad so bore the brunt of it.
I always assumed we'd be a 2 in 2 years family (like my parents have). But I had a horrid time for a few months after DD1 was born, found the baby bit hard and a bit dull. DD1 was a 'good baby' (not a nice term) and I worried that having a second was tempting fate and we'd get a more difficult baby.
We eventually decided to go for it when DD1 turned 3. We have ended up with a 4.5 year age gap. It's been brilliant for me. DD1 is now at school, but when she's around she is interesting company for me and DD2. DD1 is quite independent, so I'm not struggling with 2 babies. DD2 is much like DD1, but a bit calmer. I've loved having her from the moment she arrived and have found myself loving the baby stage. I'm not sure if it's because I know she's my last. I used to say that I wished I could just be given a 1 year old who was attached to me, but now I'd say that if love to have another baby, but don't want more children.
Obviously not everyone has the same experience. I know some second children who would have been onlies if they had been first as they were such hard work. I know that DH and I were relatively easy babies, so I don't know if it's partly inherited.
3 years between mine and the first 9 months were hard, DD1 is a bit of an emotional wreck and struggled with a sibling, get along great now though!. If I had my time again I would have them closer together to (try) to avoid the jealousy early on. I bf'd for longer the second time as found it easier than thinking about bottles and being organised. Tempted by a third but think it would break me!
3 years between mine, and they were like night and day (I'm actually grateful I had the difficult one first - it meant I really appreciated what a walk in the park DS2 was).
Mine get on wonderfully, they're completely opposite to each other in every way, it's so nice seeing DS1 hugging DS2 if he's upset and DS2 chasing DS1 for a hug in return. They're close enough in age that they can play together a bit, and don't fight too much about TV or food or anything else, but not so close that I've ever had two helpless babies on my hands.
starting trying for DD2 when DD1 was 12 months and had DD2 24 months after DD1. Really, really glad I did. I suspect it was more tiring having a toddler and a baby than just a baby, but I realised how much DD1 had taught me about babies, so the baby part was easier. Also my heart would break every time DD1 kissed and hugged DD2. as soon as they were old enough to play together, it got WAY easier. Luckily DD1 thought it was the coolest thing in the world to be a big sister. The best tip we had was to always call DD2 'your sister' whenever talking about the baby. They are now 12 and 14 and still great friends. due to Sep & Aug birthdays they are only 1 year apart at school.
We hesitated at having a second child. Never felt that urge, but did so as didn't want DS1 to be an only and felt we might regret it later on if we didn't. DS2 came along 2.5 years later and it has been the single best decision ever made. DS1 was quite hard work, never napped etc, and despite my DM living 15 mins away we rarely had any help, no-one took them from us for a couple of hours or had them overnight.
Almost teenagers now, they are such good friends and have completely enriched each other's lives and added an extra special dimension to our family. DS2 luckily, was a much easier baby, or maybe I was more laid back.
I also went back to work pt at 5 months, which helped massively, having time away from them each week!
I find the first 12 months pretty tough but by 18 months it's all so delightful I want to do it all again. Therefore I have. 2.1 year gap between my two! I think you might feel differently in 6 months.
I found going from 1 to 2 really tough for the first year (second was terrible sleeper and never took a bottle) but now they are 4 and 2 and I wouldn't change a thing. They're best buddies and it's a lot of fun. Currently trying to work out if I can face pregnancy and the first 12 months all over again to get a third.
I say this on every thread on this subject.
No. 2 was way, way, way easier.
The hard bit was being pregnant with a toddler. Your a knackered and stiff and sore and all that bending and sitting on floors and chasing them as they try and escape the playground gets wearing!
Once the baby is here, it was easy. Sure, I was tired from being up in the night. But other than that, so, so easy.
Because all you have to do is go about living your life with your adorable toddler and the baby comes along to be 'maintained'. You never have those long dead hours when the baby is screaming and you are rocking in the hall. Because the toddler has to be up and out. So you might be rocking in the corner of a church hall, but your older one is having a ball with the duplo and the other mums are bringing you mugs of tea, and chatting, and offering to take a turn.
I don't think I could ever do the first 12 months with my first ever again. The good news is, you never have to! I have three now.
I have a 23 month old ds and a 17 week dd. We have good days and bad days!! It's not twice as hard as one and not as hard as being pregnant with a toddler, which was grim.
Ds was (after the first 3weeks when he had a tt so was a nightmare to bf)an easy baby and dd is a "harder" baby but doesn't feel like it as i've done it all once. I'm nowhere near as anxious this time around and with your second it's much easier to handle the hard bits because you know that they'll pass.
DS is a much more cheerful content baby than DD ever was. He is a worse sleeper if I'm honest, but it is just easier because I know the baby stage won't last forever
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