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Did i make the worse decision to have a second child???

(23 Posts)
EMRAY2 Fri 06-Nov-15 21:56:25

Dd1 is almost 8 years, for all this time she was an only child. A bit spoiled getting all the attention and she had the opportunity to try anything she wants, afterschool clubs, piano, different dancing schools, swimming, sports. I wanted her to try everything and live the life with open opportunities.
although she had a busy life she was always feeling bored not having a sibling which made me feel guilty for letting her grow alone.
Long story short. Now she have a baby sister.
I feel so weird. I am so attached to dd2 and i feel so far from dd1.
Am i loosing my love to my oldest? Is that possible.
I remember telling dh i dont want another child as am afraid i will never love him/her like my first. Looks like am loving her more.
Am i the worst mother eversad

FeelsLikeHome123 Fri 06-Nov-15 22:06:23

Newborns need more attention in the beginning but it will get easier as they get older. I try to make time for one to one with both children separately. It takes time to bond and for everyone to get used to being a family unit. Try not to be too hard on yourself, it will get better flowers

Artistic Fri 06-Nov-15 22:07:49

Ha ha! I could've written your post! DD1 is 8 and I never planned a second until I did!! DD2 is 1 now and despite all the best laid plans I love her beyond what I ever imagined. She does take up all of me - physically, mentally & emotionally and I feel terrible for DD1. So basically it was good to see your post and know am not alone.

No, having a sister is so great that this can never be the wrong decision - so don't doubt yourself! I think until they are 2, babies are very demanding. So it's inevitable that they get most of our attention.

I try to plan things outside for DD1 & me to do when DH can take care of DD2. It never happens at home so going out works best. Today I went with her to her singing lesson and swimming lesson so got some alone time with her. But it's quite tough to balance both as they have such varying needs due to the age gap. Just plan things with your older one and you'll feel better.

mikado1 Fri 06-Nov-15 22:08:42

How old is dd2? I thinj it's normal to feel distance between you and dd1 in the early months. Therr is a loss of the relationship you had and things will never be the same really. Spend some quality time with dd1, do something you enjoy together and you'll get that love back.

shutupanddance Fri 06-Nov-15 22:10:10

How old is dd2?

EMRAY2 Fri 06-Nov-15 22:15:17

Dd2 is only 2 months old, so yeah demanding.

EMRAY2 Fri 06-Nov-15 22:22:29

Artistic am glad am not the only one.
My dh making me feel bad when he gives comments every time am hugging dd2 he is like do u notice that u love her more than dd1 or u are not that attached to dd1 anymore.
Dd1 always wanted a sister and now i feel that with making her dream coming true i am making her miserable.
She looks happy around dd2 but i can see something in her eye.
When i hug her i feel that she doesn't wanna let me go.
I hate when i wake up in the morning with dh and dd2 next to me and she is all alone in her room.

glowfrog Fri 06-Nov-15 22:25:49

Am exactly the same, except DD1 is nearly 4. Sometimes I worry I don't love her anymore. sad

EMRAY2 Fri 06-Nov-15 22:27:29

She is very smart and shine in everything she does. But as lots in this age she doesn't stop talking and now she is sharing more with me about school and friends, sometimes i just snap at her asking her to be quiet or to just stop talking, and most of the times i just say yes and ok without really understanding the conversation because i want her to stop. Its like i want her to leave me in peace and go play with her toys.
Realizing what am writing feels horrible.

Branleuse Fri 06-Nov-15 22:30:42

its only because your baby is so tiny.

my favourite child changes pretty frequently

EMRAY2 Fri 06-Nov-15 22:32:21

I know i should be spending more time with her without dd2 but i feel that dd2 is so small to be left alone. Plus i dont seam to have the energy to do things with her anymore. Now it feels like when i take her somewhere or do a school project with her i am only doing it bcz i have to or i know am suppose to not bcz i want to do it

glowfrog Fri 06-Nov-15 22:48:23

All I can say is thank you for your honesty. You are brave and doing the rest of us in the same place a big favour!

BifsWif Fri 06-Nov-15 22:50:20

It passes, ive been there. Don't be too hard on yourself flowers

Hassled Fri 06-Nov-15 22:56:40

Your DH shouldn't be making comments like that - unfair and unhelpful.

Two months in and your hormones are everywhere, you're probably exhausted and there's no new routine, no sense of balance. It gets easier. All I can really tell you is that having DC4 didn't make me love DC1 any less, or DCs 3 and 2 - they all have their own personalities and are all just as wonderful to me. It will settle down - try and make a bit of time, even if it's 10 minutes, where you get to spend time alone with DD1.

EMRAY2 Fri 06-Nov-15 23:43:30

Thank you all. It feels better to know am not the only one. I was so wrong to leave such a big gap. It feels so weird after 8 years

PiccalilliSandwiches Sat 07-Nov-15 06:40:06

If it's noticeable to your DH, it's noticeable to DD1. Your feelings are fine and understandable, and newborns are naturally squishy bundles of love. BUT you have to work very hard on not letting DD1 see it, or it'll impact massively on their relationship.

I struggled to find time for DS when DD was born, only 3 yr gap, but I made sure he was very involved with DD. Got him to fetch nappies, explained he was teaching her to smile, etc and I said honestly that I missed spending time with him.

Your DD is 8, can she not help with DD2, ask her to look after the baby for 5 mins whilst you out the washing on, make her feel part of the team. Encourage weekend family hugs in bed if you feel bad that she's missing that time? I made sure I read DS story at night even if it meant BF DD whilst I did it. Talk to her, explain you're finding it hard to adapt to having a new addition to the family but you love her as much as ever (even if it doesn't feel quite that way just now) and value her help.

She's going through massive adjustment as well.

It's not wrong to feel it but it is wrong to let it show IMHO. Fake it til you make it, the closeness to DD1 will come back, probably when DD2 hits the terrible 2s grin

Artistic Sat 07-Nov-15 11:39:01

Now that my DD2 is a year old things are settling down and attention is being more fairly divided. But when am alone with both kids DD2 tends to hog my time as she's running around and getting into trouble all the time. It does take a lot of effort to keep DD1 feel secure. I talk to her a lot, tuck her in at bedtime, occasionally we go out for lunch/ dinner alone, and we are now reading special 'growing up' books together at bedtime. All this is helping but I remember a few months ago there were a lot of tears. Especially before DD2 turned 6 months old. It's really hard before that, so don't beat yourself up. You don't love DD1 any less, it's just that your entire system wants to focus on your newborn who is so dependant on you. Just focus on little things that can make DD1 happy...until you cross those early months.

I remember once, in getting DD2 ready, I missed DD1's turn at speaking in school assembly. I was so upset, I promised myself myself to never let her down again. Should have left DD2 home and gone alone to the event! Thankfully DD1 was kind enough to let it pass. She's very involved with bringing up DD2, so she understands how chaotic things are and is able to remain secure despite the ups & downs in my attention.

LeotardoDaVinci Sat 07-Nov-15 11:46:58

I have a similar age gap but my children are now older. It was so different having a second so many years later and yes it did change the relationship with my elder child but she was remarkably mature about it. Not always mind you and even now comments that DC2 is favoured over her. My second child was two before I got to take DD away for a weekend on her own and ever since I try to do things with just her - mainly because their interests are so different (because of the age difference) we usually end up doing things that suit the younger one as a family. In our case the younger child benefits much more than the older from having a sibling. I also think that the eldest benefits from no longer being the sole focus of our attention.

deepdarkwood Sat 07-Nov-15 12:02:53

I think every mum of a second (third, fourth...) feels this - no matter what the age gap! I think the only things you can do is:
- try and keep some special, nice time for the two of you - and being present and switched on as much as you can in that time
- engage with your dd1 around things you and her can do that they baby isn't part of (like your reading books) - but that could also be as simple as special food treat the two of your can share
- remember that the early months with a baby are TOUGH. You are knackered, hormonal and the baby is so helpless! Once it starts laughing/playing then things will be easier for all of you. As others have said, go easy on yourself, but do believe that things will get better.

If it helps, I am one of four children - my youngest sister was born when I was 11 - and having little ones at home definitely meant that my mum was less present in my older childhood. BUT a younger sister became a HUGE pleasure to me - I loved seeing her grow up, and now we are adults we are very close. When she has a bust up with a boy friend, it'll be me who gets a call and takes her in for a few days/weeks & feeds her chocolate and wine. I took her on her first big IKEA trip to kit out her flat, and don't think I've ever laughed so much! I'm sure there were times I resented her when she was little but I am so glad my mum had her :-)

Branleuse Sat 07-Nov-15 12:13:50

you do have to make sure you dont show it or you will end up with MASSIVE sibling rivalry.

It doesnt matter how you feel, because that changes with the wind. It matters how you act.

Pipestheghost Sat 07-Nov-15 12:14:19

Your baby is only 2 months old, of course you're very attatched to her, it would be odd if you weren't. Dd1 may well be jealous, this is also a massive adjustment for her too, the family dynamic has changed. Wrt dd1 wanting to have attention and talk, can you set aside a special time for her when the baby is napping or DH arround so you can be with her on her own and give her your full attention?

Jw35 Sat 07-Nov-15 13:08:38

I have a 12 year old and a 10 month old. I know exactly what you're going through! It's hard at first to feel like you're being fair. The first few months of my baby's life I felt like I was ignoring the older one but now it's started to even out a bit now the baby is on the move and a bit more independent!

Don't be too hard on yourself, I know it's not easy. One day when my then 11 year old was on her way home from school and the youngest was 4 months old she was unusually late home. I was so worried about her, I was really upset! I knew then that I just love them both in different ways thanks

Andro Sat 07-Nov-15 23:34:54

Your DH shouldn't be making comments like that - unfair and unhelpful.

Alternatively it could be viewed that he's looking out for his eldest child's emotional well-being, being sidelined can be very damaging and she needs her mum.

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