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Help! I need advice

(3 Posts)
AllenLancaster Fri 06-Nov-15 10:00:59

I separated from my wife in May 2013, there was no specific reason, she just said that she couldn't see a future for us anymore. Looking back at the latter few years of our marriage I had a big part to play in her decision as I could have been a better husband. however we have maintained a really amicable relationship over the last 2-3 years since our separation.

Our situation is a little unusual. My ex wife is a consultant and works away during the week, Monday to Friday until earlier this year and now Monday to Thursday. In order for her to do what she does I have our son during the week and she has him at weekends. I also run my own business and our son is 14. At the time we split our son was in his first year of a grammar school about 14 miles from the marital home. In order to make his life easier I chose to move near his school meaning that he did not have to endure to long bus journey each morning and very long days.

For the last nearly 3 years I have looked after my son during the week. The Monday to Friday stint is in my opinion different to weekends, we have homework, early mornings, early nights, school etc. Whereas the weekend is a bit easier, lay ins, late nights, activities, fun etc. My business is also suffering since I am only dedicating 9.30 - 3.15 each day to it in order for me to get my son up and to school and to pick him up. I could let him get himself up and to school and get himself home but given what he's already been though I want to spend the time with him and be there for him.

Added to our issues is my new partner, she is only 21 and I'm 48. When she told her parents that we were seeing each other just over a year ago they did the unthinkable and assaulted her physically, I had no choice but to allow her to come and live with me and understandably this was a shock to my son. They get on well, he likes her and she likes him and there is no problem with their relationship however he often says that he does not feel like he's number 1 although I make a real effort to make him feel special, in truth he's spoilt and we have both probably over compensated for breaking up however he feels like he has no choice but to be with me because his mum works away. I also suffer from depression and stress, have been on and off medication for over 10 years, our situation is not helping me since I'm starting to struggle to pay all the bills as I can't dedicate enough time to my business, I need to sell my home and get something cheaper if this continues. My business partner is frustrated as he works many more hours than me too which adds to the stress levels

My exwife earns around £800 per day (yes per day) and in the last 3 years has accumulated over £200,000 in her business account. I have asked to not take on a new contract where she has to work away when her current contract finishes next March. I've asked her if she can take a year or 3 out of contracting in order that our son has a choice of where he stays during the week. I believe given this choice he will be happier simply because he has a choice and he can stay with either of us as he chooses. Once he is past his GCSEs and off to college, driving he will have more independence and choice and then in my ex wife decides she want to continue with out if area contracts she can. In the meantime she could get work locally for a couple of years. She would earn less but she can still take dividends from her business which has over £200,000 in it.

I feel like I have enabled her to make a lot of money whilst sacrificing my business and whilst sacrificing the happiness of our son. Without my willingness to have him during the week she would not be able to do what she does. In fact she has been contracting for 11 years and in that time if she was working away I would be dad, mum, dog walker, do the washing, cook meals and run my business during the week on my own. Largely the long stints away have been for the last 5-6 years, we have been separated for 2 1/2 years.

The question I have for you all is this: am I being unreasonable to ask my ex-wife to stop working away for a couple of years not just for our son but for me too?

Sallyhasleftthebuilding Fri 06-Nov-15 10:07:47

Your son need some independence now, go to school by himself, get him self up, come home, make himself a snack. You can take him out at weekends you know, hes 14!
I think you need to sort childcare on your shift as she would do.

AllenLancaster Fri 06-Nov-15 15:57:14

I agree however I can't often take him out at weekends as that's when my ex wife has him having worked away. I only have him sunday evening until thursday evening, then he goes to the original marital home. I also feel that with this limited time with him that getting childcare so I only end up seeing him for 2 or 3 hours each day on monday, tuesday, wed and thursday is not right. We don't get a lot of time with our children as it is. I just feel that my ex wife could get a local job for a couple of years which would allow our son to spend some weeks with me some weeks with his mum and we could share weekends when we can do fun stuff. At the moment I rarely have him at the weekend unless my ex wife wants me to have him becuase shes doing something herself.

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