Admitting to my dirty little secret….(6 Posts)
This is a difficult time of year for me.
You may wonder why….Halloween, daylight saving, winter blues approaching.
No none of those things.
You see three years ago i had allowed so many external negative things to come into my life and it all got on top of me to the point of me not coping very well.
I would go to work each day and paint a smile on my face, i would try and be strong in front of my family and my husband but as i learnt, that just makes the demons harder to fight. Because you're alone with your thoughts.
Imagine trying to fight an army on your own; it's impossible, and at some point it's going to beat you down so there's nothing left of the person you were and you won't have any fight left in you.
That was me. The army was my thoughts and also the actions of others. Could i do anything about what other people thought of me? Believe me, i thought of everything that i could do to try and change that. The way i looked, try to make more effort with them, be the bigger person. The list goes on and on...
Ultimately i knew that nothing can change the opinions of others apart from the people themselves and i was a shell of the happy and bubbly person that i used to be and i couldn't ever see a way to bring her back. I saw myself at the bottom of a very big black hole with no way of getting out. So what did i do?
I sat one evening, lost myself in my thoughts and attempted to take my own life.
I honestly didn't think that i would wake up the next morning. I honestly didn't want to.
I spent a couple of days in hospital having the toxins that i had put into my body flushed out. I declined any help from a counsellor. And told myself it was the wake up call i needed and that by some miracle i'd now be cured of my negative thoughts and be a better person.
So what happened next -
I moved 200 miles away from my family to be with my husband and his career.
I had a daughter
I attempted to make my marriage work.
Late last year i realised that i was actually still struggling and i'd still been battling that same army, this time with with even more soldiers, with even less support than before. The realisation hit when when my husband told me he was leaving my daughter and I.
By the start of this year i had admitted defeat and was on antidepressants. I was a single parent, living hundreds of miles from my family. I needed to find my daughter and i somewhere to live and i didn't have a clue where to start. And to really put the icing on the cake, my husband filed for a divorce.
Within a few months i had moved back to near my family and after a few weeks i walked into my doctors and i asked for help.
I received counselling on a weekly basis and through that and the support and endless amounts of help from my family i felt like i was eventually getting somewhere.
Fast forward to today;
I'm no longer having counselling nor am i on any medication.
I'm divorced, I have a growing business, i'm independent, i'm strong, i have a huge appreciation of my wonderful family and i'm a bloody good single parent with an incredible daughter. I don't get it right everyday, but i do smile and laugh and that's something i didn't think would ever be possible again.
I've chosen to tell my story because i've been hearing so much about mental health recently and every time i do it makes me feel guilty, like i have a dirty little secret that i hide from people.
Well i'm not hiding anymore. If i can help just one person overcome their battles and struggles and ask for help it will all be worth all the haters and their whispering. They're not worth the thoughts in my head.
I don't care who knows what happened to me anymore.
I'm proud of where i am today and who i've become.
Always appreciate and love yourself for who you are. Spread the word.
Such a great outcome to your very distressing time. I hope your words will inspire others to seek help and not struggle alone.
Wishing you and your family well firths future X
Why is that a dirty secret? I'd be shouting that from the rooftops! Well done, you've come an amazing way in such a short time.
I have had a similar(ish) experience of battling for many years. It took the still birth of my second dd to give me the kick that I needed (plus an amazing counsellor who worked on the whole of me)
I understand, as much as anyone can with individual circumstances, how hard that change is. Don't think of it as a secret, think of it as a massive positive.
You're a fighter, OP. I think we all are but too many of us don't know it.
I'm proud of you. I hope this messages reaches far and wide.
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