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In laws suffocating!!

(14 Posts)
Willow123707 Sun 25-Oct-15 17:37:58

I guess i just want to know how others would feel and also some advice as this whole situation is causing me severe anxiety.

My LO is 12 weeks, this is my first baby, first grandchild for my partners family. When I go back to work next May my MIL will have LO for one day a week,she is retiring and this is something she volunteered to do off her own back and it was arranged while I was pregnant in the early stages.

When I was pregnant my MiL bought everything for LO to keep at her house, a pram, a cot, a high chair, toy box, toys etc. I thought it was a bit extreme and a travel cot and some toys nearer the time would suffice, however I let it go. When LO was 6 weeks she put the cot up in her spare room, with the bedding, sheets bumpers etc all in the cot ready, which I though was over the top, but my partner didn't so nothing was said. Now she's bought baby wall paper, baby curtains and is re doing her whole spare room, she's creating her own nursery. I feel this is so over the top and isn't needed. I feel it is needed at my house as LO LIVES here, but she doesn't live there so it just isn't nessecary. My partner knows I feel that this is just another thing and the start of many more over the top things but won't say anything to her about it.

As I said LO is 12 weeks and they already are talking about buying the biggest and best paddling pool for their house for next summer, ride on Range Rover toy cars and all of some of the best toys that I always envisioned treating my daughter to at birthdays and Christmas, such as Wendy houses, scooters etc, all of this talk at this stage!!! I feel I won't be able to buy any of this for her as they literally are buying everything and she'll probably never enjoy being at home because she'll always have something that little bit better at their house. . MIL I feel is trying so hard to create the 'best' atmosphere at her house and it is really getting on my nerves, I feel she has no respect for my role as mother. I am also sensing huge jealousy from her mainly, she can't handle my role as mother and constantly snatches her from my arms and makes a point of saying how she's all 'Nannys girl'. She watches me like a hawk when I'm nursing LO, just staring at us, always trying to get in little ones face at every opportunity making stupid faces all the time, she just can can never allow me to just sit with LO for 5 minutes.

She often refers to my LO as my SILs baby, my SIL can't have children, but MiL insists on referring to my LO as 'your baby', saying things like 'do you want your baby for a hug'. I feel it's totally inapropriate and disrespecting me as Mom who is sitting right there as my daughter is not her baby, she's mine, quite simple really. My partner has pulled her up on it though.

Not sure what to do, as partner feels them buying everything at this stageis fine, he also thinks it's awesome that she has a nursery at hers. For me there is just one too many things happening and she is only 12 weeks. I dread family occasions and we are so involved with his family, we have to go there twice a week!!. I can't sleep at night thinking about it all, it's having a real impact on my happiness as I feel suffocated.

honeysucklejasmine Sun 25-Oct-15 17:41:59

I think I'd find I was suddenly far too busy doing enriching activities with my DD to go over even once a week.

Is it any better if mil is at your house? Or just as bad?

Willow123707 Sun 25-Oct-15 17:46:33

I've tried to do that and say I'm going out, but when I say I can't go over on a Wednesday as I'm busy with LO, my partner says that's fine as well just go over on a Friday evening. We also have to go over on a Sunday, every sunday!! She's the same no matter where she is, she acts like LO is her possession. My partner just says she's excited, but she is so rude I feel!!! I feel so stuck.

Secondtimeround75 Sun 25-Oct-15 17:48:38

Reminds me of the movie ' The hand that rocks the cradle'

I would have to say something or my head would explode.

Call over without the baby or Dh when she is home & give her a straightener.
The competing ends now as there can only be one winner & it won't be her. She needs to tow the line or ye will stop calling.

Be civil( ish) but firm

winchester1 Sun 25-Oct-15 17:55:52

My oh family can be a bit like this we just had to talk to them about it. I also just let them try and fail a few times. So when ds was crying they would try to rock him, feed him etc and he would just cry more until me or OH took over. So we basically undermined their confidence.

I've also vetoed use and buying of any toys I consider dangerous (my kids are 9 months and 2.2 yrs) so far I've had to say no to motorised cars, trampoline, pool and a 10ft slide confused
We encourage saving for them as much as possible maybe you mil could use that money to save for her first car or driving lessons.
As they say on mn time to put on your big girl pants grin

Pancakeflipper Sun 25-Oct-15 17:56:13

I would be looking at nursery and childminders for May. This won't improve when she is providing childcare for your child.

DoreenLethal Sun 25-Oct-15 17:57:37

Get a sling and don't let the child out of your arms.

honeysucklejasmine Sun 25-Oct-15 17:58:28

Eugh, its time for the classic line... You have a DH problem not a mil problem

Although clearly mil IS a problem, DH should be backing you 100%.

Willow123707 Sun 25-Oct-15 18:11:35

My partner says all grandparents have a baby room. I know grandparents have toys at their house, but an entire room?

Mouthfulofquiz Sun 25-Oct-15 18:21:22

My inlaws have a 6 bedroomed house and they don't have a baby room!! Ridiculous. My parents don't have a baby room either. The only nursery required is in your house. A travel cot and a changing mat is all your MIL actually needs.

Lunastarfish Sun 25-Oct-15 18:22:57

Your DP is a bit deluded. I'm with you your Mil behaviour is odd.

My parents have a few toys for my niece and they have two spare rooms but none have been set up as a nursery despite my niece regularly sleeping over.

When my dd was tiny my Mil always complained she didn't get to hold her but that's because I was breastfeeding, the thing she nagged me to do during my pregnancy. confused

I don't really know what to advise you in afraid. Ive been having a few issues with Sil over how she behaves towards me and my dd and I'm just ignoring her now but I don't think that will work long-term and I'll have to tell her to back off

nephrofox Sun 25-Oct-15 18:30:00

You need proper childcare in place for when you go back to work. And you need to set boundaries NOW. Book a Sunday trip out for next week, break the habits and regain control

BlueThursday Sun 25-Oct-15 18:55:26

I feel your pain OP, my MIL has gone a bit like this too, she used to be fairly normal.

She's created a nursery in hers for DD - however, at 9 months DD is yet to be in it which I find strange!

My PILs have volunteered to look after DD 2 days a week when I go back to work and I'm dreading it to be honest. It's taken a while for me to realise but when they are with DD all they do is sit her on their laps - that's all, not even speaking to her confused

I can see us arranging for the nursery to take DD extra days

MrsBartlettforthewin Sun 25-Oct-15 19:53:46

Sit DH down explain how it is making you feel and if he doesn't get his mum to toe the line then you and the baby will not be going to any more family get togethers and MIl will only be allowed to see DD under your supervision at your house. If DH doesn't step up then no more visits to MIL's house and every time they come round just take DD into another room to feed/ nap etc.

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