12 year old pushing things to the extreme, at my wits end

[Tram10]

My DD is being extremely rude and defiant at the moment, yesterday, tired and hungry when she came in from school, she was horrendously rude, called me stupid and dumb because I simply explained that what she was looking for in the fridge was finished. She was rough with her sister, knocking her out of the way as she passed her and calling her names too.

I confiscated her phone and iPad and she proceeded to upturn the whole house to find them, cushions thrown on the floor, papers swiped off the worktop, drawers and cupboards flung open, threw cushions at me and refused to go to her room. I was beside myself with outrage and had to lock myself in my bedroom for fear I would totally lose it with her and get physical, she then damaged my bedroom door trying to open it, it is going to cost money to have it repaired.

She finally calmed down and wrote me a very emotional apology note, and ended up falling asleep around 7.30pm exhausted. However, she has not tidied up the mess she has created, the house looks like it has been ransacked and, hard as it is, I am leaving it like this for as long as I can deal with looking at it, hopefully she will get sense and tidy it up before I end up having to do it.

This morning when she got up, despite all the apologies last night and the /I love you's', she purposely dragged her feet to get out to school and rude again when I asked her to hurry up.

I just don't know what else to do, DH is working abroad at the moment and while he is supportive on the phone, it is not the same as having him around to face it together.

I am thinking of selling her phone and iPad to pay for repairing the damage to the door, but that is somehow an own goal as we won't get much for them. any suggestions on the consequences I should put in place if I do end up having to tidy up the house, as I sit here in the mess she created yesterday, I am so tempted to go and upend her perfectly tidy and neat bedroom, but I know that would not be the adult thing to do.

I also want to block her laptop so that she can only access school stuff, googleclassroom etc. but don't know how to do it. All the school homework, resources etc are online, they even submit their homework online, the kids all Skype each other in the evening as they are doing homework, it's ridiculous.

I know that cutting off the electronic social interactions will be a big consequence for her.

[cathpip]

Sell the iPad and iPhone, actions have consequences and IMO if you deal with the behaviour very hard first time round it sends out a very clear message. You should also be able to put some parental control on the laptop, not sure how to do that though. I also find confiscating other stuff works too such as favourite clothes and shoes, I know I'm hard but it's had results. Also do you have a friend that you could pass on confiscated stuff too for storage, I do, it's had the desired effect!

[Tram10]

Thank you Cathpip.

totally agree, this is the time to go in hard. The loss of the phone is a much bigger deal for her than I ever imagined, hopefully this will be her lesson.

Hubby thinks selling the iPad and iPhone not such a great idea, we will find a way to make her pay for the damage.

NOT looking forward to the drama's of the next few years.

[LeChien]

Has she started periods yet?
IMO there's an onslaught of behaviour around that time.
How are things at school for her?
If this is out of the blue I would suspect there's something going on, hormones or something at school.

[MyballsareSandy]

I'd guess that something is going on at school - to come home in a foul mood like that and kick off. Is she year 7 or 8?

My teens have behaved horribly at home in the past, due to problems at school - friendships, level of work, certain teachers - but it has taken a while to get it out of them.

Having said that, she still needs consequences to trashing the place and being rude. I wouldn't sell her gadgets though, teens do need this shit unfortunately.

so difficult isn't it .... give me potty training and terrible twos any day.

[scatterthenuns]

I want to echo LeChien's sentiments.

If this is unusual for her, there is a cause. Feeling overwhelmed by puberty, hormones, or a problem at school, I'd guess.

[Tram10]

Actually, this is the 2nd time in about 3 months where she has blown up at me, total overreaction. But in general, she has been quite rude and grumpy lately.

She did tidy up the mess she created and she was very apologetic.

I think you are right, it's a combination of hormones and something that went on at school, but hopefully she will realise this kind of reaction is not appropriate. She told her Dad she should have just gone to her room and closed the door, so at least she is aware there are other options to losing her rag, hopefully she will remember that the next time she is in a foul mood.

Myballs, totally agree with you, terrible twos were a doddle.