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I hate being a mum. I can't cope(15 Posts)
I'm looking for some advice and to find other mums in my situation.
In March me and my husband split up. We just weren't getting on because we are very much incompatible. He was never around, always 'working' when in actual fact he would be anywhere just so he didn't have to be home (he is a farmer so doesn't like to be indoors). We would never do anything as a family and I was bringing up the children on my own as well as holding down a job and training to be a nurse. Since he has moved out I am so much happier not having to put up with the grumps everyday.
My problem is my children ?? their behaviour has become appalling, they have never been easy children they are very active, extremely temperamental amd very argumentative and if i'm honest I hate being their mum on times.
My ex is adamant that he point blank cannot have the children for a weekend because he is too busy. He is welcome at our home anytime and he calls in most days to see them for half an hour so it's not that he won't see them he just won't have them to give me a break ?? I only requested that he have them every third weekend but he refuses. I don't have family around me except for his family so I have no one to turn to.
Bedtime in my house is killing me. My dd who is almost 3 just screams and cries for hours which then winds my 7 year old up who kicks it up a gear and just runs around screaming and shouting for attention because she is having it all... The days are just as bad...
Dd cries because she wants toast
Dd cries because she doesn't want the toast she wanted
Dd cries because she does want the toast that I've just put in the bin
She cries because the telly programme she was watching has finished
She cries because I told her not to pour her juice all over the Sofa. PLEASE HELP ME!!!
Last night I broke. I called my ex to come see the kids and I got dressed and left and if I had somewhere to go I wouldn't have come back. I dont want to be here.
I can't take much more it's absolutely killing me, I'm drowning, I'm suffocating.
I really really dislike my children on times and can't even bring myself to do mummy things with them. It breaks my heart to feel like this but I'm stuck with them day after day night after night with no break, I have no life. I am so skint because I work flexi but can't pick up shifts because I've never got a break from them to work. When they are out at school and nursery, I'm so greatful for some peace that I can't even go to work then because I'm enjoying some time to myself! It's a vicious circle.
I'm sorry I've dragged on abit, and I'm still not sure it makes sense Haha ??
Love to you all and I hope there is some advice anyone could give me ??
Please go and talk to your GP, they might be able to offer some help and point you in the direction of some family support groups or similar. You sound extremely stressed and tired which is perfectly normal when you are juggling. Contact your own family and tell them what's going on and that you'd really appreciate some support. Good luck. Xx
How did your ex react last night? Is there any way he can reconsider having them at the weekend even if it was for two hours on a Sunday afternoon. Or a visit to the grandparents? Bedtime sounds v stressful - all into your bed for a story and hope you all fall asleep? Not a long term solution but short term might leave everybody less stressed? Don't be hard on yourself. If Ex comes every night why don't you go for a walk whilst he plays with them for half an hour just to get a break/fresh air and exercise too?
Imo your ex should have his children for some days per week. If he is busy then he must rearrange his work or whatever it is or get someone else to do the work or get childcare. He should take responsibility for his children for ideally 50% of the time.
I am sorry you feel like this. You should call social services asap for help and respite care. They want to help keep families together not rip them apart and will not judge you. They'll help you work things out and get support in place.
You also need to go see your 7yo head teacher first thing Monday. They can help you access social services and other support.
Please don't suffer alone. X
I think you need to stop your ex flitting in and out it is probably making things worse
Being a parent can be harder than anyone can imagine and behaviour gets into a horrible vicious cycle.
Farmer or not your exh needs to step up as a parent - you re doing it alone and it s not fair.
Of course you re not enjoying it if you hae no break no support and no back up.
Do you have any friends or family or in laws that can step in and help out?
If necessary I d get legal advice about dh and access.
Or maybe a frank talk about splitting assets (threat of dividing a farm will make dh sit up and pay attention) I know it s extreme but you can't go on, you could use your share of assets etc to fund some extra help.
Or can dh pay towards an au pair or childminder to help you out if he s not going to step in?
First- i should imagine you are stressed and tired, this wont be helping.
Every day is a new day
Think of something good/funny that happened and remind yourself of that
Yes to family support, school, gp can help.
Get out every day, park is the kids are energetic.
Stay calm. Smile. Breath. Kids will mirror your mood/reactions.
Every child has a price - use this- either they love something or want something use it as a leaver to comply - go to bed nicely - try reading or a short film.
Stop these visits. It will feel like judging.
Contact a solicitor to sort child care. He needs to step up, you need a break. He doesnt have a choice.
Another saying your ex popping in daily is probably adding to the DC's sense of instability at the moment, which is probably making them act up more.
I remember when my parents split up (I was older - about 11), I found my dad coming round to visit really upsetting, because we'd sort of slip back into old routines and then he'd leave and I found that really hard. After a few months, I asked my mum if he could not come round any more and instead we'd see him elsewhere - at his place or the park or wherever. While it was still hard, it wasn't as 'weird' as him coming round.
But yes, ultimately, it sounds as if you need some support. You can't do this all on your own! Ex needs to step up, or can you organise playdates for the kids of a weekend so you can get some time to yourself?
Your ex sounds like a nightmare - probably someone who never wanted kids? He needs to step up though, as he has a duty to look after them as well.
And meanwhile you should take supplement of vitamin B complex, it would take about three weeks for the effect to click in but I found it a life-saver when my dd was young, it really helped to calm my nerves and help me to see the funny side of things again.
Could you move closer to your friends and family?
So your ex gets to dip in and out of stressful parenting whilst you're stuck for the entirety?
I would put a stop to that. He shouldn't be allowed to come into your home in that way.
Either he has the dcs for a set time at his place on a regular basis or he doesn't see them at all.
He's not stepping up to the plate and you're picking up his slack. That's not fair. At all. So get harder on him.
AHomestart volunteer might be helpful. It is a great organisation and might be exactly right for you. Your volunteer would only come once a week, but they can make a real difference.
Can you get your ex to pay for some sporty extra curricular? I have similar energetic whiney children and at that age very very hard work. We do lots of gym softplay, swimming lessons (so you don't have to get in the pool) and BMX biking on tracks.
We do this to tire them out and it works.
Put a ban on your ex coming round. Or he takes them for a complete afternoon or day during the week. You need to step up the tiger in you.
And implement firmer discipline . use the naughty step. Reinforce your rules. Ifmy dc has a tantrum, it's timeout for every minute of their age. 3yrs is 3 minutes. They are getting your attention the bad way.
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