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feeling pressured to leave baby

(33 Posts)
pennylilian Mon 21-Sep-15 11:13:21

I am having a bit of trouble specifically with baby's granny on his dad's side. She is putting a lot of pressure on me to go out and leave my little boy (10 weeks) a lot, it started with asking over and over if I wanted to go out to the pub, I've never been one for going out drinking and now is not the time I want to start, to the other day suggesting I go on holiday for a week and leave my baby here with her. I'm getting frustrated now that she's not listening to me, I don't like leaving my baby even with my own mum, it's not about them I just want to be with him and I'm not ready. It's causing me to not want to be around his family at all, I feel that they aren't listening to anything I say and he's my child. I'm not sure what I can do because I don't want to upset my partner by saying they are being unreasonable. Am I being over the top? It's driving me mad.

NannyOggsHedgehogs Mon 21-Sep-15 11:15:28

What does baby's dad say? It's up to him to tell her to poke her nose out!

LibrariesGaveUsP0wer Mon 21-Sep-15 11:16:44

No, you aren't unreasonable.

Just say "it's a lovely offer. We aren't ready yet but we will let you know "

I don't get the obsession with wanting the baby tbh. Seeing them, yes. Wanting them overnight or alone, I don't get .

LibrariesGaveUsP0wer Mon 21-Sep-15 11:17:42

Oh, but unless there is a back story, she is not different to your mum

pennylilian Mon 21-Sep-15 11:19:18

He does let her know that I'm not ready yet but she just doesn't seem to listen. It's very stressful to feel like I'm constantly fighting against them and we both do things so differently, like I don't leave him to cry it out but she will so it's even more reason not to leave him there.

I am being made to feel that I'm being stupid and possessive but he's my child? Even down to people getting annoyed when I have to take him to breast feed.

pennylilian Mon 21-Sep-15 11:21:56

yes I also don't get why there is an obsession with having him on his own? I'm not taking him all the time when I'm there but I like to be around him and he likes to know I'm there. I'm sick of being made to feel like that's not normal.

Basically my own mum is a lot like me so naturally I do feel more comfortable but she isn't asking to have him alone all the time anyway and she hasn't.

pennylilian Mon 21-Sep-15 11:24:34

I know I'm not physically being forced to leave him but it's making me feel like I don't want to spend time with them if this is all that's talked about the whole time, I've known them a long time and now our relationship is totally different I don't want to start disliking them!

fluffikins Mon 21-Sep-15 12:20:20

You're breastfeeding? So how on earth would you leave for a week anyway!? unless you have a ton if milk stashed already. And even going overnight is unnecessarily painful/annoying as you'll have to pump if he's still feeding at night. Did she bf? Maybe she doesn't understand the logistics of it - if not I'd use that as my excuse to tell her to butt out!

GothicRainbow Mon 21-Sep-15 12:24:08

Just keep saying No and keep it up. Be a proper broken record about it! My DS is now 2.5years old and the nagging about having him overnight started with my MIL when he was about 4 months old. It hasn't happened yet and it won't until he can understand fully what will be happening.

pennylilian Mon 21-Sep-15 12:36:49

It's nice to know I'm not the only one thankyou, I was doubting myself thinking I was being over the too not wanting to leave him.

Fluffikins - exactly. I also feel pressure to STOP breast feeding like it's an inconvenience to everyone else because I have to do it quite often.

fluffikins Mon 21-Sep-15 12:41:05

I hear you. I was feeding every hour until recently and DD refuses all bottles. I'm just rolling with it, but others are baffled at it and are suggesting baby rice/cereal to 'help' (she doesn't need any help!). I'll be damned if I do anything that ruins my supply too - I've worked so hard to get to 3 months bfing, I'm not ruining it now!

Sunshineandsilverbirch Mon 21-Sep-15 12:49:19

No one babysat for my children until they were six months old.

I didn't leave them overnight until they were nearly 3 yo.

Excellent caring GPs on both sides.

We just weren't ready to leave them.

It sounds like you have been polite and now you need to put your foot down and be very firm:

'I am not ready to leave the baby yet. It is my decision so please don't ask me again.

I'll let you know when I'mready. "

Don't get into an argument about it, don't try to defend your position.

It's your baby you are in charge.

Even the best grandparents need reminded of that occasionally.

TheOddity Mon 21-Sep-15 12:50:00

I'd give her a clear message that there will be no overnight visits until they are MUCH older. Mine is three, nearly four and he still wouldn't be left alone overnight with grandma, and when he is poorly I still couldn't leave him for a couple of hours with my own mum. I know others do it sooner, but it is for you to feel happy with, not other family members.
Just next time it is mentioned, say no way are you leaving him overnight, and you hope the offer for babysitting is still valid when he is a toddler!

SevenSeconds Mon 21-Sep-15 12:52:40

She wants you to go away for a week's holiday without your 10 week old?! I've never left my DC for more than 2 nights (and wouldn't want to) and the eldest is 9! You are definitely not being possessive. Just be polite and say "no thank you" over and over again.

horsewalksintoabar Mon 21-Sep-15 12:59:39

She sounds controlling! What a pushy woman. I'd have no problem telling her no. Please don't worry about p*ssing her off. If she wants to play dollies, it won't be with your infant for one whole week. Honestly. Please set your boundaries now because she will be a piece of work to deal with over the years. If you draw your line in the sand now, she'll know better than to push you in the future. And your DH must back you. This is a tricky one, but please stick to your guns.flowers

NickyEds Mon 21-Sep-15 13:14:09

I thought you were going to say your "baby" was 10 years not weeks! She expects you to leave your baby for a week???!!That's crazy.

My dd is 9 weeks and I left her with dp for a couple of hours last week and it was ok-but I wouldn't want to leave her with anyone else or be far away. When ds was little I left him with my sister over night at 4 months- I trusted her completely but it wasn't as good as I thought it would be. We had a lovely meal but I had to go home and pump, didn't pump enough and woke up covered in milk so needed a change of clothes etc. All in all I got less sleep than when he was with us!!

AbeSaidYes Mon 21-Sep-15 13:19:23

I really think in cases like this you have to summon all your courage and say 'When I am ready to let the baby stay with other people I will let you know but it's not going to be for ages' maybe follow it with something like 'I am happy to pop in with the baby from time to time though'

LikeSilver Mon 21-Sep-15 13:23:08

If you aren't ready then that's all there is to it. No discussions. "Thank you for the offer MIL - I'm not ready for that yet but I'll let you know when I am" repeated as required. No reasons or excuses needed from you.

My eldest is 3.5, she's never been left overnight anywhere and has only been to see the panto/the odd cinema trip alone with my Mum (I don't have a MIL). DS at 8 months has only been left with my DH for an hour or so so far. You're the parents, you make the decisions.

really hoping I don't suddenly turn insane when I'm a MIL

Rach000 Mon 21-Sep-15 14:39:03

You are normal not to want to leave your baby with her, tell her no. She sounds like my mother in law, she is a nice woman and we get on well but she wanted to have my dd overnight from very very early. Like a week or so old and said if we needed a break and it would help us to get some rest if she had her! I am breastfeeding so god knows how it would work when my supply hadn't bearly even got established.
I also feel like my parents in law don't like me breastfeeding as it's not as easy for them to take her for long periods of time. They have asked a few times if I am still feeding her, and say things like she need to take a bottle. I wish I was a bit more forceful with saying no from the start as they may have more respect for my options now if I did, but maybe not as they tend to want to do what they think and not listen to me.
Why on earth does she think you will go a weeks holiday without your baby! Think that is so selfish of her to even suggest it. X

UngratefulMoo Tue 22-Sep-15 07:49:08

She sounds like a standard grandparent tbh (is this her first GC?) but that doesn't mean you are unreasonable! I get this all the time from mine and DH's parents - you just have to stand your ground as PPS have said - don't get into an argument, just smile sweetly and say 'that's so kind - we're really not ready yet.' and repeat!

We are leaving DD (2yo) next week with PILS as we both have to go away for work and they have been on at me ever since I arranged it 'why don't you bring her the day before, so you can get organised? Why don't we keep her till Saturday in case your flight's delayed, etc etc'. It comes from a place of love, but my god it's annoying!

LetThereBeCupcakes Tue 22-Sep-15 07:55:35

She sounds bonkers! FWIW, I didn't leave DS for quite a long time - not until he was 2 years old and he suddenly announced he wanted to go home with Grandma (she'd been visiting for the day) and he toddled off quite happily - when we were ALL ready.

It's hard to be forceful yourself at this stage - your a new mum and probably utterly exhausted. I can clearly remember my FIL insisting DS couldn't POSSIBLY need to feed AGAIN, and refusing to give him back to me. By the time I wrestled him away DS was so worked up I really struggled to latch him on.

Leaving him at 10 weeks when you're breastfeeding is utterly ridiculous, especially when you know her parenting methods are so different to your own. Your DH needs to have firm words with your MIL I think.

Spidertracker Tue 22-Sep-15 08:09:21

Just say no.
I have left my oldest with MIL once when he was 3, and my mum twice,once over night also when he was 3 as I was pregnant/giving birth.
I have never left DD she is now 6.
No matter what anyone says leaving your children anywhere with anyone is optional. You don't need to feel pressured whether it is ten weeks or ten years.
You need to be clear now, no we'll sees or possibly in the futures.

Bunbaker Tue 22-Sep-15 08:13:21

It's a physical impossibility right now because you are breastfeeding.

Part of me thinks it would serve her right if you left your unsettled baby with her for an afternoon and see how she "enjoys" that.

Kent1982 Tue 22-Sep-15 10:04:00

I get exactly the same as you. Mil wanting baby on is own and to sleep at her house. He is 6 m now and bf I have evaded it by saying 'he is not going anywhere'i do it while laughing by I'm totally serious.

I have read a few books on baby's etc so I've used them as an excuse saying that the book says it's really important for baby to have stability overnight and consistancy. On the pub thing I have just said I've only got my boy as a baby once and going out and away can wait until he is older. It's a short time in my life to stay home with him and pretty much why go somewhere when I don't want to anyway. In my mind I'm going to stay with my boy for a year until I leave him for any length of time (apart from work) And maybe more until he sleeps somewhere else. In fact I've told mil I don't want him to sleep elsewhere until he can understand

Really she has backed right off now cos seriously who can fault someone for wanting to look after their own baby. I'm maybe being precious with him but I want to do my best and not look back and have missed anything. Stick by your guns

Ilovemybabygirls Tue 22-Sep-15 12:49:27

My dds are now 10 and 7 and I STILL don't leave them over night, much less one whole week. This is completely unreasonable on their part not yours, every parent is different.

It is not being precious wanting to be with your own child and take care of him yourself, biologically you are programmed exactly this way for a very good reason. It is called being a brilliant and caring mother!

I would tell them clearly but gently, you have no intention of leaving him yet maybe never, and actually you love the fact they are so involved and are so supportive, but see them on your own terms. Don't go to the pub if you don't want to, don't leave him if you don't want to, you must not feel pressurised either way, but you must be more assertive, you will need to be throughout your child's life so best to learn now.

I don't regret my choices all these years down the line, my dh and I know we have cared for our dc with such tender love and care, and would not have it any other way. Enjoy your baby and be sure that one day you will be ready to take the next step, there is no need to rush it.

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