How to handle other people disciplining your child...?(15 Posts)
That bothers me and i wondered if anyone has a view or experience of something that's niggling me...
Have any of you had experience with someone else taking it unto themselves to discipline or tell your child off in front of you? Now I know my child is no angel but i find it rude and condescending. Surely the best approach would be to discuss it with me if you thought i wasn't disciplining my child correctly? Example: DC allowed to play under table - for pete's sake what's the worse that could happen... a bump on head? Said other child not allowed to do it. Tells my child off for setting a bad example and that it's dangerous. Now every time we are together i have to tell my child not to do it.... because the younger one will follow mine - i don't even agree with it as it's only a bit of innocent fun. What's more complicating is its extended family... Don't see them often but still bothers me.
Am i being unreasonable ? If not, how would you handle it? Any experience or advice welcome!!
Let me guess, first child?
Once you have more children you're grateful of not having to do all the watching, managing, telling work all of the time. You'll probably just enjoy sitting down and having a coffee.
So my advice? If the disciplining is harmless (i.e. not violent or verbally abusive) then relax and let it go.
Are you at home or out somewhere?
At a relatives house or once even my own home... Not out somewhere in public thankfully.
Kiwiinkits yes it's my first can you tell...lol. That puts it a bit more into perspective for me thanks! I guess I am a bit of a control freak and don't like someone else taking control of a situation when I don't agree with the outcome... But I will try to think of it that way next time and breathe!
Is it the relative whose house you were at telling your child not to go under the table? In which case it is fine.
It's the inlaws' house/ her parents. To be honest I see the point, its someone else's environment. But it's more a case of not wanting their own child to do something, now they all have to stop. If I don't want my child to do something, I tell them and not everyone else they are playing with? It's almost like, if yours stop doing it then mine will too, mine isn't listening, so i will tell yours to stop in the hope mine will too....
I'd politely cut in if someone was telling DC off for something that is allowed at home and just explain, not fair being told off for something you're usually allowed. I'd also ask DC not to do it at that time/place if I could find a way to, because it is pretty hard getting your kids not to do something their friends are allowed to. I say if I could as e.g. cousins had some rules about food that we just had to present as different families have different rules.
Generally I find I know better how to get through to my DC than other people so if I'm there I'll handle it and leave other kids' behaviour to their own parents. If my DC were not responding to a polite request from another adult I'd be embarrassed and want to step in anyway to save them (adult that is) the trouble.
I've always taught ds that different people have different rules so if he's at nanny and granddad's or auntie and uncle's then he respects their rules. If they tell him off I'm fine with it providing it's not really unfair (such as letting another child get away with something ds gets told off for). I personally don't like children clambering around under tables while people are eating. It's really, really irritating. But ds plays under the table loads otherwise - making dens, hide and seek etc. It depends on circumstances tbh. If out, I'd rather a stranger speak to me if they think ds is misbehaving, unless he's doing something dangerous or hurtful that I haven't noticed.
Im pg with my first and won't have a problem wih friends or family disciplining them. obviously only if it's called for... equally I wont have a problem saying if I think what they've disciplined is out of order.
I have no problem being stern with my friends LO's, but she is a very close friend. I wouldn't with anyone else's children.
I am.more likely to speak to a child in my own home, usually, we dont whine in this house! If my kids are doing something irritating elsewhere i would check if that behaviour is ok? Are they allowed to jump off the sofa? If not I would expect home owner to deal, and i would back them up.... those are more house rules, or irritaring behaviour. If my child hit another when out, i wouldnt expect a parent to come over to complain, i would expect them to say `stop`, being caught is enough!
On that note ... you are telling the behaviour to stop ... but as a parent you deal with the consequences .. i.e your rules on behaviour ... youll lose x when we get home ...
I bloody love it when other people tell my child off. I'm sick of always feeling like boring nagging mum. I feel it's important for them to know they need to listen to other adults and not just you.
Is it partly annoying because she feels she has more right to set rules in the house because it is HER parent's house? I have 3 dc, I prob wouldn't mind but I would be mildly irritated they didn't mention it to me first or say it in a more positive way - 'dear niece can you help me, I don't want dear cousin playing under the table ...'
I am fine with other people telling my children off.
My sil/Bil don't have children. I love them dearly but they did get involved too much in the beginning. Mine were toddlers when I met dh so they hadn't known them as babies. There were things especially to do with food where they'd say 'no x clear your plate/eat your veggies first/or no pudding' etc. it used to really bother me but I did just cut across them in the end (kindly) as I know it was meant well but it honestly wasn't helpful. I have enough food issues that I can see that's exactly how it starts.
They are much better now and I never want to undermine another adult, but then I don't want another adult to needlessly step in where it's not needed. Please note I'm not really talking about behaviours or manners - I am happy for them to pitch in there.
Ok, so there will be frequent situations where there are differences in parenting approaches and you have to find a compromise- this is one such time. They will get greater over time. They do need to learn that different people have different rules and it's easier if all children abide by them when they're together. There will be times when you will be grateful that other parents didnt let their kids do stuff you dont want your kids to do when they're together (i.e. play GTA when they're 8, cycle down the main road with no helmet), so pay it forward.
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