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Feeling lonely and guilty

(14 Posts)
Lilipot15 Sun 16-Aug-15 21:03:24

Not sure where to post but would like to get some perspective.
I have two lovely DDs, 2 months and 18 months old so life is hectic. A lot of my time is spent breast feeding and carrying youngest in sling. I'm tired but not horrendously so, but even so I suspect this is having some effect on my mood.

We have recently moved to a small town for DH's work and I am on mat leave. I feel lonely as moved away from friends that I had before, eg antenatal group for DD1 and work friends. Didn't have time to do an antenatal class here. It's been difficult to meet people as my toddler is always on the go and any toddler group chats are interrupted to stop her climbing etc...she is in nursery a couple of mornings which I am grateful for. The other children in her room all seem to do full days so I never have any opportunity to meet other nursery parents.

I've tried a couple of baby groups but feel really old compared to most of the mums there (I know that shouldn't matter but I'm feeling a bit down on myself) and also most of them are first time anxious mums who want to discuss in lots of detail about sleep / feeding etc...I can't seem to get past these conversations and I'm desperate to have adult conversations with people about things other than babies and toddlers.

I feel really guilty about this as I'm so happy with my family (which I waited a long time for) but feeling a bit cooped up and lonely at times. Baby breast feeds all evening and not yet on bottles, DD1 never had an evening babysitter so I can't see any prospect of going to an evening class or anything.

I know there is no obvious solution, guess I just need to hear that this will pass. I just have no idea how we are going to make friends here - DHs work colleagues are all older and have grown up kids so we don't know any other families with kids our age. Perhaps I am being too impatient and in time it'll come together!

Georgethesecond Sun 16-Aug-15 21:09:16

It will pass. You have young kids and will make friends naturally at toddler group/school. This time with a baby and a toddler is the worst bit!

In the meantime be kind to yourself, don't expect too much of yourself as long as the kids are fed (bugger the housework!) and try to find things you like doing even if they are small things.

Lilipot15 Sun 16-Aug-15 21:21:07

Thank you. It's the guilt for feeling like this that is also getting me down as I am so grateful that I have a healthy family. I am struggling with feeling like the house is in chaos, I'm always late, I snap at DH (who is the only person I can talk to) and just generally missing some friends to mutually offload to and then have a good laugh. I'm exhausted with just the day to day stuff even though DH is really doing a lot of the house stuff. I just find the speed my toddler moves at and her constant climbing / wanting to be into everything tiring and sometimes terrifying when I have a tiny baby as well.

I think perhaps I am more tired than I realise as I struggle to push a conversation at a baby group past baby stuff whereas through my work I am normally quite good at social chat. I feel really envious of DH with work, it has made me realise how much social contact and general feeling of well-being I get from my job. But need to find a new job in our new area....

Georgethesecond Sun 16-Aug-15 21:25:20

Of course you're tired with two under two, anyone would be.
Use mumsnet for a chat - this is why it's so popular you know, it's not just you!
It will pass. Honestly.

Lilipot15 Sun 16-Aug-15 21:30:25

Thanks George. Your point about using MN for a chat is sensible - and really staring me in the face!!

bluejeanswhiteshirt Sun 16-Aug-15 21:35:16

I'm a single mum to my 11 month old so quite a different situation but I feel lonely too. Me and my ex moved to where I live now for his job so I barely know anyone here. I find it really hard to talk to mums at baby groups as like you say they mostly talk about sleep/feeding etc and as much as I love being a mum, I need normal, adult conversation to stay sane. It's really tough.

I don't have anything useful to add but just add to comment because I can relate to how you feel. I used to feel envious of my ex when he went to work and could speak to adults and even have general chit chat about nothing whereas I was at home sinking in housework etc.

I hope it's just a phase that will soon pass smile

bluejeanswhiteshirt Sun 16-Aug-15 21:37:10

had not add.

I need sleep!

Lilipot15 Sun 16-Aug-15 21:41:28

bluejeans thanks for the reply. Sorry to hear you feel the same. Makes me wonder that there are probably quite a lot of us like this but we're too tired to work out how to take the conversations further.

I'm a bit shy at times so not great at striking up conversations in playparks etc, but might need to get out of my comfort zone. My mum came to stay and came to a toddler group with me and managed to learn far more about folk than I ever had. Perhaps I should get her to come and make friends for me (how sad!!).

Lilipot15 Sun 16-Aug-15 21:53:14

bluejeans - does your ex take your little one at all at weekends / overnight? Maybe there would be some evening class / exercise group you could try where you might meet some other people. Or be really brave and see if any of those mums you meet at baby groups fancy going out for a drink one evening? You might find that away from the babies, conversation is more varied. I wish I'd been less precious and got rid of my impression that I was the only person who could get DD1 to sleep and gone out more before DD2 arrived.

Another issue I have is that lots of other mums I meet have their parents or in laws close by to help out (and presumably to babysit or provide adult company).

bluejeanswhiteshirt Sun 16-Aug-15 22:24:48

He doesn't take her overnight but will take her out for the day most weekends. His shift pattern at work makes it quite awkward really. I'd love to do some sort of evening class or something though! I'm thinking about retraining once dd starts nursery or school so I'm hoping I'll be able to make friends then but that's quite a while away! Do you think you'll be able to find a job easily enough in your area?

How do you generally fill your days? Do you manage to get out much? I imagine it's difficult with a toddler and a small baby. I try to get out most days even if its just for a short walk but when my little girl was tiny I used to shut myself away and couldn't face it! It can be very lonely without family and friends close by.

Lilipot15 Sun 16-Aug-15 22:39:15

Shift work is difficult to fit regular activities around so I can see that an evening class would be difficult bluejeans.
We do get out every day, as it's actually easier and I feel better to be out (once we've actually made it out the house!).
DH has had some time off which has made it easier as very few toddler groups and stuff like that on in the holidays so no routine to speak of yet. Fortunately the weather has been favourable for going to the park!
Hopefully I will be able to get a job here after mat leave, I am being easy on myself that it is too early to be planning too much!

Imeg Mon 17-Aug-15 08:56:35

I have a 17 month old and cannot imagine how I would deal with a baby too so you have my great respect!
No other particular suggestions but I think anybody with two children of those ages would be finding it hard.
I met lots of other mums at baby groups but it took me 6 months to meet the first local mum who a) I really clicked with and b) also didn't have other friends/family nearby so was open to making a new friend. I had to pluck up the courage to give her my number/ask her to pop round, but it worked. So maybe you just haven't met the right person yet? (sorry, that sounds like you're looking for a boyfriend!).

Lilipot15 Mon 17-Aug-15 18:52:39

Thanks Imeg, hopefully it is just a matter of time. I have met someone nearby who has a baby a few weeks older than mine and whilst we have met up once individually, she spends a lot of her with her NCT group which feels very exclusive. I guess they are quite far down the line of getting to know each other.

BrightonMum36 Mon 17-Aug-15 20:45:43

Do a Facebook search for mum groups in your area. If there isn't one, start one. It's a great way of networking x

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