When to have number 2?(29 Posts)
I'm just looking to hear some opinions/experiences on when to have DC2. I know everyone's different and there is no "right time" but I'd just like to hear others thoughts on the matter based their own experiences. My DS is 6 months old.
I only have 1 ds at 6 month. But I can honestly say i would have one right now, as in go to the hospital and have it lol. In the real world my OH I'm suspecting is thinking a 3 year age gap. It's such a tough one I think as so many things to take into consideration, career, finance, managing with 2 giving the first 1 enough attention. Big age gaps. I'm not getting any younger.....argh. I still stand by that I would have one now though. What are you thinking
All of the above have passed through my mind Kent1982. I fell pregnant with DS while I was on the waiting list for IVF although technically I was "unexplained infertility" my FSH was 12 (they like to be between 4-8) I gather that this either means you have a poor egg count or the quality isn't fantastic. Plus my Mum went through the change early and was done by 35 (i'm 34).
Not that any of this really means anything but it's all going through my mind!
However my friend did warn me that apparently women go through a hormone surge when their children are between 6-9 months and it causes major broodiness!
Www decided that due to me wanting to return to work in between, we would need a minimum of three years so that we could afford nursery fees. Extremely lucky to fall pregnant straight away second tine and DC2 was due on DC1's third birthday . I love the 3 yr gap. Only needed single buggy, all equipment was finished with by DC1 and ready to pass on. They play well together too - I suspect having the same gender really helped but there's no planning that!!
We have a 3 year gap between our two, it's worked well - I went back to work for a couple of years to 're-save' ready for maternity leave, DS was potty trained, more independent etc (and was an extremely difficult child between 18-24 months and there's no way I could have managed a baby at the same time).
DS1 loves DS2, DS2 is now 16 weeks and is full of smiles with DS1 is playing with him, teaching him to crawl during tummy time etc. Yesterday DS1 ran in to tell me that DS2 was talking 'Mummy, Mummy - he said 'Egoo'!' It feels like we're all welcoming DS2 into our family.
All that said, I think most people like the age gaps they have whatever they choose/they get given.
For us, a) apart from a minimum gap, we will not be making any very exact plans because it took ages for the first one to happen
b) I don't want to wait too long because I'm not getting any younger
but c) I would like the older one to be eligible for free childcare so I have some help with him without costing me a fortune when I'm not working. I wouldn't necessarily put him in for the full 30 hours if that's what it is by then but even a couple of days a week would make a difference I think. So that means we wouldn't want number 2 much before older one is 3.
There's only so much choice and control we have, isn't there? We wanted to have ours close together and our two have a two-year gap. Reasons we wanted small age gap:
-activities, holidays, etc in future would be easier to arrange and manage as they'd be similar developmentally and in terms of their interests;
-we'd get the sleep deprivation out the way in one go;
- they'd be able to play together and have a close relationship;
- naivety about all of the above!
- They do play together really nicely (most of the time) and have a close relationship but I have no idea why I thought that wouldn't be the case if there were a bigger age gap.
- Of course, they have completely different interests! DC1 loves reading, and writing, is gentle, shy and sensitive but very adventurous (loves rollercoasters, climbing, etc); DC2 is boisterous, gregarious but easily scared (hates rollercoasters/rides!), no interest in anything unless it has wheels;
- DC2 still doesn't reliably sleep through the night at age 3 ;
- I had two in nappies for most of the first year and was so knackered I barely remember it.
I look at a friend who has a (unplanned - she wanted smaller) five-year gap with some envy as I watch her older child help out with the younger one but I've learned from my and her experience that even what you might think is a good gap for your family might not be because it depends on so much you can't really control such as the personality of the next child, when you actually get pregnant, etc.
I wanted a small gap, under 2 years. Wanted them to be close together. Would have had 21m gap, but sadly I miscarried. Now pg again and DS will be 2.3yo when this one is born, all going well. I'd say think of a minimal gap you want and start TTC then, you never know how long it will take.
Hi op, I have a 22 month age gap with two sons. (Wasn't planned)
Although I love both soon much I just wish that I could spend a bit more time with ds1 while he is going through toddler stage. I feel bad as he is struggling to understand why he has to "share me" and misbehaves to get my attention while I'm breast feeding. Although saying that he is very attentive to his brother and likes to cuddle and hold him (obv with help and support) and they will be great friends when growing up (fingers crossed)
I would say if you have a small age gap make sure you have family close by that can help
Hope all goes well with whatever you choose to do. Xx
I'm desperate for no.2 but circumstances mean we have to wait for at least another year. Dd is 4 now so there's gonna be a large age gap! I wasn't bothered about this before but it bothers me lately.
Sorry I know that doesn't help you at all Op! You just made me think a bit.
OP I've got an 11-month old and broodiness has suddenly hit! We'd always planned one but I'm suddenly desperate for 2. I've heard so many horror stories about the 2-year age gap and have so many friends for who the 4/5-year age gap has worked really well so I think I'd like to go for a bigger gap. The DC1s I know who are 4/5 are great at helping with DC2s, pretty independent and really understand and enjoy the concept of having a sibling. Oh and nursery (and maybe even university!) fees won't be concurrent.
The three year age gap is well known to work well. It definitely did for us. Our eldest had three years of our devoted attention and really loved our time with her just the three of us, no stress. When she was ready to start a little playgroup it was a good time to have another baby, giving me plenty of time with our newborn baby one to one, as well as with my eldest dd. Three years also means they will still play together as they get older ~ mine still do and they are much older now.
Four years plus and there is difficulty as the age gap is so large they may find it hard to play together or anything in common. Most of my friends who had two children under two really struggled, and the children tended to be competitive throughout their childhood (and possibly beyond) and you need to think if you are blessed with twins, three under two is properly exhausting.
I would recommend three years definitely.
my ds is 14 months. we have just started ttc #2. it took us 18 months and almost ivf with ds so im not sure what will happen.
id like a two year ish gap but obviously there is only so much planning you can do!
My DS was born when DD was 2.8 and we are now 4 weeks in. I can't account for how well they will get on in the future, however this gap has worked well for my sanity. Dd is toilet trained, verbal, can be reasoned with a little bit, doesn't need a pushchair and can understand when ds needs feeding or attention even if she doesn't like it. She can feed herself and complete a jigsaw puzzle alone. This reasonably independent behavioir has made the newborn Stage much more bearable - If she had been only 2 I think I would have found that really tough- 8 months makes a lot of difference! I think anything can work and has pros and cons
A 2 year gap is a terrible idea.
One will be doing A levels and the other doing GCSEs.
Seriously! Think ahead!
Another who the three year gap has worked well for. Dd1 dotes on her sister. Dd2 idolises her in return. I'm sure there will be squabbles but 16months on and no fights yet.
Ds1 is nearly three, ds2 is 16m and I'm soon to have dc3. somehow we managed to have three children in the time others have two. The age gap is 18m between each child.
It is exhausting and difficult to have a small age gap. It has its advantages, them being close in age but the advantages are to them not you. They play well together and enjoy similar sorts of games but a toddler at 18m is still quite needy and will find a newborn bewildering. I don't think DS1 got his head around his baby brother being a person and worthy of care until he (DS1) was about two and a half years old. That's a year of having to treat your toddler as if he were a dog around your baby (can't be trusted in a room alone with him, there always being a risk of harm. The blame for any harm being yours).
We're mad to have a third with a similar age gap but I'll have help (dp is a sahd and I'm on maternity leave)
We have a 2 yr 4 month age gap and with hindsight an extra few months would have made a big difference, I think.
But I'm very glad to be getting the baby stage over and done with fairly soon - we don't want any more - and I do think smaller age gaps are easier in terms of choosing activities and holidays that suit both, school runs, various other practicalities.
So I'd say aim for something between 2 yrs 8 months and 3 yrs 6 months.
Oh and a lot depends on what help you will have. If you won't have much in the way of family help or paid help then I would definitely wait till 3 so the older one is in nursery. (And avoid a July or August due date!)
I'm pregnant with DC2 and DD will be 2.5 when it arrives. So I can't speak of how things will be with two, but being pregnant has been tough (I also work full time) as DD is still very physically demanding. DD was quite unsettled when my bump became visible and she's also just entered a real phase of 'terrible twos' (she currently 28 months). I doubt she'll be potty trained or out of her cot by the time baby arrives either. Fortunately (or not) she's incredibly verbal, so it is relatively easy to talk to her about the impending new baby.
In hindsight, I probably would have waited a few months and I can see why many say a 3-year gap is ideal. But, 2.5 was our minimum acceptable gap and I got pregnant straight away. Also, I'm no spring chicken, so was wary of leaving it too long incase it took ages to get pregnant, or I had a miscarriage in between 1 & 2.
I have a (unintentional) 22m gap- they are currently 2months and 2, and it is exhausting. However my eldest still goes to nursery 2dpw and I have help from dm and dmil, and dh works from home- which makes all the difference.
I do hope though that maybe it won't be that long until we are all able to sleep through the night and the kids will become more independent- getting the baby years out of the way is important to me and I couldn't imagine going back to it once the eldest was 4/5. I reckon 3y may be best compromise unless you have lots and lots of help.
We took ages to conceive dc1 yet got pg with dc2 without really trying so you never know what will happen!
We will have a three and a half year gap between DS and DD when she arrives next month. I would've liked a slightly smaller gap but miscarried last year.
However, now that we have this age gap I actually think it'll work pretty well. We'll only have 8 months when they're both in childcare before DS goes to school so won't be broke forever and he is old enough to understand that he is getting a sister and is excited about it.
Op I'm Asking myself the same question, my dd is 8 months and I am slightly obsessed with having dc2. I would love to have a small age gap to Get the sleeplessness out of the way (?!) as I think it would be incredibly hard to go back to the newborn stage a few years later.... But on the downside I worry about how work would be less than delighted if I were to have another maternity leave quite quickly after my first, and there would be more childcare costs. However I only plan to have two dc and wouldn't mind getting the baby stage done in a few years.
I had a 2.5 year gap between girls,and it is brilliant. Dd1 old enough to understand, help out, not need a buggy. Its been so much better than I expected! Did take us bloody ages to concieve dd2 though and we were aiming for a much smaller gap.
We are about to go for number three and I am hoping for a similar age gap this time too.
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