Relationship with DP gone sour after DC1- how normal is this??(6 Posts)
Once or twice a week me and DP really argue. It's got to the point where I only have to look at his face and I'm annoyed.
Just to paint a picture of our home life- he is a SAHD, and I work full time. This suits us perfectly for various reasons, financially and otherwise. However I have found it to be a massive source of tension. Tonight was a classic example, I do bed time routine whilst DP chills out for a bit. I had switched the baby monitor on and left in living room with him. I decide to go in the bath, DD is still sleeping. After about 5mins there is a knock on the bathroom door, "you really fucked up, the monitors weren't synced, DD has been screaming for god knows how long". Well actually she hasn't because I checked on her before I got in the bath, but there is no reason why you need to talk to me like that.
This happens about 1-2times a week. Is this normal? He seems to forget about it pretty quickly but it really pisses me off. During our fights he really portrays me as if I don't know what I'm doing and I'm such a shit parent. I don't think he thinks this when we aren't arguing, but frankly I've had enough.
Is this normal? Does it go away? Am I supposed to put up with this? I argue back which doesn't help but it's not really in my nature to just take it. I don't think I ever get as personal as him, although he may say different. I love him of course but he gets on my last nerve. We weren't like this before baby!!
It's possible that he's feeling tired, stressed and resentful of you getting to 'escape' to work, and losing his temper and taking it out on you. No excuse for speaking to you like that - that's awful! - but I'd try to have a proper chat about how you're both feeling. How old is the baby? Does your dp get to see friends/do exercise/keep up a hobby to relax? Do you spend time as a couple (like having a nice meal at home together)? I think it is normal for any relationship to go through a rocky patch after having a baby, but his outbursts sound quite extreme and you need to work out what's going on with him.
DD is 7months.
Yes DP is a musician and is often in the studio recording during evenings and weekends. As a consequence no we don't really ever spend time as a couple.
I enjoy cooking so we do eat our evening meals together after baby is in bed, but outbursts stil occur. He is a really good dad and I wouldn't want to take that away from him, I just don't think we are enjoying each other at the minute (well for past 7months)
Definitely try to make some couple time, and ask him how he's feeling (from the point of view of 'life's so different now, how are you finding it, do you miss work?' rather than 'so what's wrong with you?!') and really listen. I'm a SAHM and sometimes I get the rage too, though I bottle it rather than let it out - the days can be long and relentless and bloody boring with a baby/toddler, and dp seems to think that I spend my days chatting over coffee and playing with happy, well behaved toddlers and moans that the house is messy/we've run out of his favourite cereal/whatever.... When he comes in from work and says 'oh I'm just off for a run' sometimes I could cry as I'm so desperate for a break too. Me and dp sometimes do an evening where we feed the kids separately, have a nice meal together and ban TV/phones, and try to remember how to talk to each other...!
Talk, talk, talk... I'm on mat leave with ds2 at the moment and although we have a strong relationship having the dc has definitely affected it. Part of it is tiredness on both sides and it being hard to really understand what each others day is like. I think my dh swans off to work, goes for a pub lunch and has a nice day; actually he takes both dc at 5.30 for a couple of hours so I can catch up on sleep and leaves as soon as possible so he can help with bath and bed. He thinks I have a relaxing day swanning around the house with no deadlines and can't understand how I don't always get the chores done, but doesn't get how wearing it is being screamed at sometimes more or less ALL DAY by a baby. So fuses are short and we have rows. But talking helps, and trying to see it from both sides and having a sense of humour. It gets better as they get older... Hth.
We have managed to get a babysitter for tomorrow and we are going to see some live music and have cocktails. We are both so looking forward to it the mood has been lifted already!!
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