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I need a break from worry.

(21 Posts)
squizita Thu 06-Aug-15 08:55:44

I tend to worry and over think. My dh does not, but objectively (ie I know from all our f&f) worries almost too little about stuff and can be messy and disorganised.

We have a 10 month old dd. He helps out practically - will care for dd whenever he's home, does his fair share of cooking and cleaning ... He has a highly responsible job, but (IMO) doesn't worry about himself enough either. For example at least now he makes sure he has his inhaler. .. a few years ago he would not bother checking. This led to a really scary incident. Though I honestly think he now bothers for my sake not his risk!

But I'm exhausted by being the only one who worries and sees the "bigger picture". sad He is also getting upset as he feels it's nagging and can't draw the line between legitimate worries as he has been a bit oblivious and me "overthinking" and being anxious - so will write off stuff I say and I then have to go digging round for the hv letter or my consultant letter or explain and justify I'm not making it up.
It's so frustrating. And I'm so tired of doing all the worrying ...HV visits (dd grows very slowly), hospital, finance, paperwork, safety/baby proofing, minor illnesses, things working in tge house, weaning ...
In the end I do start over thinking (eg house is very messy ... If dd had accident the hv could turn up - they do in my area, happened before - if she was OCD she might be disgusted and threaten ss (as per a mn thread I read) and so on...).
The thing is, DH immediately cleaned up for me as I was looking after dd. But he's "clutter blind" so while my reaction was too much, had I not been there he would have just lived in the mess with the baby.
But the less he worries, the more I do, and the less likely he is to have an appropriate awareness (as he thinks it's all overthinking).

Any suggestions? As I mention, he does stuff ... but I'm exhausted. And tbh wary, wondering what would happen if I was out or away (though he's cared for her while I've been at work for 2 full weeks) - would he give medicine or bother with naps/meals? I know he would ...

But all the worry/thought is exhausting and I need a holiday from it. sad sad sad
I need him to go to the fucking hv and deal with them. angry

squizita Thu 06-Aug-15 09:06:33

...sorry to drip feed. A normal concern would be that dd must have prunes/weetabix/lactulose as the gp said so for her constipation. I would then have to spend 5 min explaining why this was a real and legitimate minor concern and not be ignored.

Because he doesn't worry, my crazy overthinking and that quite normal concern register the same with him because I'm "always" worrying and complaining ... He says it's like the boy who cried wolf.

But I have no accurate sounding board. sad

teacher54321 Thu 06-Aug-15 09:14:08

I worry about everything and it does drive dh crackers, and also means that sometimes he dismisses more serious things because of all the mad things that I've panicked about. I now have got into the habit of separating them when I talk about them. So for example I am emetophobic and we're on holiday next week. I am having sleepless nights worrying that one of us will get a sickness bug on holiday/will prevent us travelling. I KNOW that this is an irrational worry. So I talk about it with dh but tell him that I know it's irrational. He is able to be reassuring and offer solutions to my anxiety, but doesn't have to actively DO anything about it. A real worry is ds's ongoing constipation problems. We were prescribed movicol, dh came to Drs with me and DS and knows that he has to have this medication first thing every morning. So that anxiety is one that has to be acted on if that makes sense?

squizita Thu 06-Aug-15 09:45:42

Yeah I get what you're saying ... The problem is my dh has irrational relaxation iyswim. So there's no problem with me explaining through my irrational thoughts.
It's making sure he 'believes' or invests in (and acts on) rational things.
We've had incidents where he's quietly assumed "take care when they crawl" is a crazy Internet thing. Then I hear THUD WAAA! and he's looking distraught when dd has fallen off (low, onto a mat thank goodness) furniture.
At hcp they have to use the most brutal of language before he "gets it" if it's bad news.

It's exhausting. sad

NickyEds Thu 06-Aug-15 11:57:54

No great advice but many sympathies. I'm the worrier in our house and also the planner. I always feel like l'm living 2 steps ahead of myself, especially since dd was born (and she's only 2 weeks old), I'm the one who has to think about timing of feeds, finding somewhere to sit to feed her etc. Dp us fantastic with ds and it has got better since I've been heavily pregnant and now with a newborn so just can't do as much. I think that it makes a difference that I'm at home with ds all day, it doesn't really matter if he has a biscuit for his snack every now and then but not all of the time, same with teeth brushing, and a million other things, dp has an "it'llbe fine attitude" to everything whereas I don't.

squizita Thu 06-Aug-15 12:21:11

Yeah that's it!

I mean he's not neglectful at all but I feel like I'm the watchman.

NickyEds Thu 06-Aug-15 16:05:12

Yes! At the moment dd is only tiny so I'm spending ages feeding her and dp is doing most of the housework, which is great but he makes such a meal of it! He sort of potters about doing a bit of this and a bit of that, having a break to listen to the radio etc and I find myself wanting to scream at him "just get on with it!". If I had a free hour the house would be clean, change bags sorted and a meal cooked but with dp there would be a few jobs half done. He often gets an idea in his head about a nice day out and then I stress out making it happen, he just doesn't worry about naps and feeds and logistics in the same way as I do. Dp never forgets the bag of toys but I never forget nappies and wipes so I suppose we complement each other quite well.

Buglife Thu 06-Aug-15 17:04:57

As a laid back and relaxed person I know he he feels in a way, it doesn't make me a less able parent or more likely to harm my child than someone who worries constantly, and I would feel hectored and insulted if I was constantly being to to 'see the bigger picture' and that I was too relaxed about DS. I'm relaxed in the sense I doneverything to keep him healthy, happy, fed and safe, but I don't think about 'what ifs' beyond the immediate care I'm giving, iyswim. So if he stumbles and falls a bit when trying to walk, I think 'oh no, is he hurt, was that something I could have stopped or is it just a normal bumps, he's fine, ok off you go again' and I wouldn't then keep thinking on it or feel like I'd done something wrong. I think loads of people are like that. Because as you say, you know he's not going to forget to feed her, or give her medicine that she needs. The things you mention in your first post aren't really 'the bigger picture' either, They sound more like catastrophsing and really over thinking (a HV with OCD might see a messy house and report you to SS? That's not a normal worry and I don't think your DH is alone in not thinking like that, many wouldn't. I see my house looks messy and think 'better tidy up tomorrow'.) so I'd say it's impossibke to make him think like you and be able to share that burden of worry. Because to me, even what you are saying are some of your more legitimate worries still seem to be overthinking. I can see what you mean about it being so hard for you to have to explain yourself as he has 'switched off'. But how you describe him, makes him sound like such a normal person to me. The kind of parent most of us are, forgetting some things sometimes but no harm done. You have the thought process of 'no harm done NOW but something terrible could have happened so this is almost as bad as it happening and it could again'. I really feel for you but I think PP suggestion where you point out when you feel it's your anxiety but explain when it's really not, and by all means get him to come to see the HV etc with you. But I honestly think it's impossible for him to think of things the way you do, I just can't comprehend what it's like to think in that way, because its a very different personality to me. So would you say when there's a 99% chance of something not happening, you worry about the 1% chance it will? So if your DH was alone with your DD and you know he can care for her responsibly, you still worry he's not got your worriers vigilance and she's in some level of danger because of that? Really I know it must be hard, I hope he can begin to listen to you more and relieve you of some stress, but I don't think he sounds any more 'over relaxed' then the average person and certainly not 'dangerously' so. But flowers because you must be very stressed.

Buglife Thu 06-Aug-15 17:25:00

I suppose what I'm trying to say is 'is the worrier in the relationship always right?' The indication on setups like this is that the laid back one is the problem. But I think whilst obviously you are going through a hard time with this, I also think the strain of living with someone who tells you things like you have to tidy up or SS will take your child must be hard too, and unless you think for example left alone your husband would starve your child, live in filth, not pay the bills, and generally deteriorate then surely the issue isn't that he won't do these things, he just doesn't do them to the standards of an anxious worrier? If he actually would do all their things then I definitely have massive sympathy! I don't want to seem unsympathetic. But I read this and its just the other side really resonates with me.

squizita Thu 06-Aug-15 17:51:41

Except he has let her fall off furniture by completely ignoring me telling him she could move and not to leave her on furniture. He was mortified. Luckily just a small bruise.

He's been nearly struck off from his job before for not bothering to send back a bit of admin paperwork to his governing body, his credit rating was poor not from unwise borrowing but just "meh I'll pay tomorrow...".

He thinks any worry us silly.

squizita Thu 06-Aug-15 17:55:03

And pre kid/marriage, yes he has had electrics cut off and actually been ill (food poisoning) from his "whatever" personality.
Now he wouldn't deliberately do that anymore but his family ring me about serious stuff (wedding dates etc) because whatever the opposite of anxiety is, he might have.

squizita Thu 06-Aug-15 17:59:27

... The mess was the kitchen. I'd decided to let him do it without reminding. As part of my job I see homes S'S call "chaotic" and "squalid".
Now it wasn't quite there yet BUT that was after 3 days.
I resumed nagging.

Buglife Thu 06-Aug-15 18:20:13

Well then it's hard to see a solution, if you really can't trust him to do certain things you will worry. What you mentioned in original post was more that he was laid back and took a few telling a to do stuff. Although I would point out that loads of people are a bit shit with bills/credit (DH and I were!) in younger days. Doesn't mean we don't pay all bills on time and have a mortgage and savings etc now! Yes the bed thing was an oversight, and he felt awful as you say. But there is not much chance of your DD going through childhood without bumps and grazes that happen when on your watch as well. Any parent has had these moments. But roll everything you've said together and I can see how living with someone (and raising a child with them) who is so different to you in your way of thinking has created this mental exhaustion. However, how long have you took on all the responsibility? Isn't it enabling him not to have to think about these things? I arranged our house move, I set up all the online bills and monitor the bank accounts, I deal with nursery etc in my marriage. I also pretty much do all the housework. I do it myself because I want it done when it occurs to me to do it, but I know it has meant that DH has let go of that side of things because he doesn't have to think about it. Mat leave does have a way of forcing some weird dynamics on a relationship! But the only solution for you would be to say to your DH 'right, you deal with the online banking, you pay the bills etc, you take over the communication with nursery and let me know etc, you take Dd to the GP or her HV appointment'. BUT you'd have to let go of it and trust him to take it on, so would that help of would that just up your worry and tension?

squizita Thu 06-Aug-15 18:24:22

Weirdly it was better when I was at work 2 weeks. There was no assumption I could/would plan everything ... yeah I do just need to let him do stuff.

Buglife Thu 06-Aug-15 18:31:42

yeah. Or LTB grin

purplemurple1 Thu 06-Aug-15 18:46:41

Have a read of the book wife work? This sounds like a very typical set up of you doing all the day to day running of the house and family and your oh thinking its ok to not bother with it.

Were a bit diff as we both work pt but we have our own big responsibilities like car maintenance, buying kids toys and clothes, paying bills, gardening etc. And then we also have a daily rota for the person at home with of cleaning, kid care, and a schedule of naps and feeds for the 6 month old which we both alter/update when we notice things have changed.
We importantly wrote these together and discussed what has to be done what can slide/wait and agreed frequency and standards for the jobs. Could you try that with you oh?

squizita Thu 06-Aug-15 19:06:32

He does a lot in the practical sense ... but the crux is he doesn't do the "thinking" and if I initiated a discussion, I wonder would it still be me deciding and worrying, but with him there in the room iyswim? hmm

Buglife Thu 06-Aug-15 19:21:43

I just don't think you can make him do the thinking if you've got the kind of worrying mind that means you've done all the thinking before it even occurs to him. With an anxious mind constantly whirring away thinking and overthinking everything and formulating plans and strategies and then thinking of other potential things to do based on that... It's just a huge ask to expect someone who doesn't have that mind to be able to do the 'thinking'. He's never going to be able to anticipate what you've already spotted, worried about and need solved. Or you'll just have to step back a bit, try and accept that no terrible disaster will befall the family of you donkey go of some things and give him the chance to see what needs doing and formulate his own plans and strategies, some of which you might take on and let him decide.

Buglife Thu 06-Aug-15 19:23:08

Err, not donkey go, let go!

purplemurple1 Thu 06-Aug-15 19:33:06

Can he be responsible for certain jobs in the home and you just leave him to it?
I don't know the last time we brought oil for the cars/tractor etc as its not my job equally oh doesn't know if the kids have clothes in the next size up or we need to buy them still.

ODog Fri 07-Aug-15 16:28:24

I sounda like your DH is the extreme end, but I think a lot of people are like this. I have told my DH on numerous occasions that I feel like a single parent a lot and like he is just some close relative that lives with us as I literay do all the planning and preparation for everything. It works for a bit but he (and I) know deep down that I will always continue to do stuff as that's just the way we are wired as people. And actually its why we work as a couple.

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