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I don't want to be a mother

(26 Posts)
whereintheworld5 Wed 05-Aug-15 00:02:17

So firstly I have to say I love my two kids. I have a 4 week old an a 2.5 yr old and I wouldn't want to be without them.

Except I do want to be without them, not all the time and not forever. Just long enough so that I don't resent them. I really hate being a mother. I hate being tired, I hate being at home all day with children. I'm fed up of peppa pig. I have sore nipples, I'm lonely, i hate that my conversations are about potty training and how much my son weighed at birth. I hate relying on my husband financially, and I really miss the intellectual challenge of work, and the value I felt I from having a respected career. I miss being in charge of my own time.... I really miss my old life.

I resent my husband because he is still living his. He sleeps (seperate rooms) he works, he travels, he plays sport, he has challenge in his work everyday, and can get his own space when he wants it. He has the freedom to make plans without worrying about babysitters.

I'm angry that in our relationship because I'm the woman i have to give up everything that I value.

I do love my children and I wouldn't give them back. they will continue to be my priority. I'm just so miserable about what my life looks like for the few years.

What can I do?

ThereIsIron Wed 05-Aug-15 00:08:30

Go and have a chat with your GP about PND, and more importantly, remind your husband that he is now a father and offer to help him pull his finger out of his arse and start parenting rather than playing.

LittleBearPad Wed 05-Aug-15 00:12:03

Iron summed it up very well. Good luck.

MagpieCursedTea Wed 05-Aug-15 00:14:12

Your husband needs to pull his weight. The children are his responsibility as well and it sounds like you could do with a break. Have an honest conversation with him about division of childcare.

Peppa Pig is truly awful though, no getting away from that! I'm not sure any of us like it, I convince DS to watch other things for my own sanity wink

Peppasmate Wed 05-Aug-15 00:17:16

I've been a mother for nearly 26 years. I have 6 dc.
The most valuable advice I was ever given is parenting is joint. Your dh sounds oblivious & pretty selfish.

You need sleep/ time off / rest etc. If your dh can't be there to do that, then get someone who can. A babysitter, friend, mil etc.

Talk to your dh. I know it's obvious what you need, your dh is clearly not seeing this. So tell him very clearly.

Take care of yourself.

whereintheworld5 Wed 05-Aug-15 01:12:14

Thank you. Im feeling really down right now and nice to know people are listening.

I don't mean to have a rant about my husband. He does pull his weight -I think?- he offers to help with feeding (but I'm breastfeeding) he gets my daughter up and to childcare most mornings. At weekends he takes them out so I can get some rest. We do deals that he has them in the morning while I rest, and I have them in the afternoon so he plays tennis. So its not that I'm grumpy about what he doesn't do, I'm jealous of what he does do.

I can't do sport at the moment because I am recovering from a c-section, I don't sleep because I am breastfeeding a newborn. These are all things that are part of being a mother. Just because I can't have them now doesnt mean he shouldn't, or that because I hate it I should make him go through it with me. .. does it?

But I do wish he understood how I felt though. He can't understand why I dont enjoy being at home, and why I am so keen to go back to work. I do believe him when he says he would swap with me... i think we would both gladly swap, if it made financial sense. I tried talking about it with him but it came out all wrong and he got upset, insulted and cross. I ended up feeling even more alone.

It did cross my mind whether it is PND because I don't remember feeling this down after my first child. But my feelings are real - it's not hormones.

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty Wed 05-Aug-15 01:49:20

it's perfectly valid to feel that you want to be out at work (or indeed pursuing hobbies, volunteer work, getting your hair done, reading a book....), not with the DC all the time

ThinkIveBeenHacked Wed 05-Aug-15 01:57:31

I may get flamed for this but would you consider switching to formula?

Being at home with a newborn and a 2.5yo is a full time job - I know, ive been there. DH also saw it as that and from the day DC2 arrived we alternated nights "on duty" - yes, even though he had to go to work. He got coffee breaks and lunch breaks and train commutes to Facebook/watch netflix. I didnt. He had colleagues he could turn to for help or to delegate. I didnt. We did (and still do) everything 50/50 and it would not have been possible if I BF.

He could do alternate nights. He could do Fri and Sat nights and you do Sun-Thur.

You could go out for the whole day on your own.

You could go for a night away.

BathtimeFunkster Wed 05-Aug-15 02:52:53

Just because I can't have them now doesnt mean he shouldn't, or that because I hate it I should make him go through it with me. .. does it?

Well that's a weird way of putting it.

Your family is at a stage where neither parent should really be living life as before.

You have a newborn and a toddler.

Why the fuck is he off playing tennis at the weekend when he's out at work all week and you are struggling?

Yes, he should be going through the newborn days with you as much as possible, not taking himself off to a separate bed and leaving you alone with both children at weekends.

If you felt supported, and like your husband wasn't going to get in a strop if you tried to explain your feelings, then this wouldn't be so hard.

itsbetterthanabox Wed 05-Aug-15 05:22:50

Why do only you have to worry about babysitters?
At 4 weeks old why is he off playing tennis? You should be doing this together. And then in a few months you can return to work as it sounds like this would be better for you and then all childcare must be completely split equally.

TeenageMutantNinjaTurtle Wed 05-Aug-15 05:33:02

First off, its ok to feel the way you do. It might well be hormone related which doesn't mean your feelings aren't "real", it just means there is another factor driving them so its worth mentioning to your GP so they can keep an eye on you.

Your DH isn't an arse just cause he plays tennis. Every couple manages the division of labour differently, problems arise when one person feels they are being unfairly treated in the deal. Are you happy with the division of labour or do you think he should be doing more??

And finally, it's OK to go back to work as soon as you want to. I know people who have gone back after 8 weeks, three months, six months, 13 months and never. Its fine if that's what works for you and your family. Don't martyr yourself on the cross of motherhood, there is no "right" way, you need to find what works best for your family.

bwow Wed 05-Aug-15 05:46:57

I can't say I felt like you in every aspect but totally felt the same re dh. In fact his social life seems to have improved. He goes out a least once a month for a big blow out drinking session. Really depresses me that I can't even so much as go to the loo without thinking about the baby! Never mind going on an all night bender! He goes to work so he thinks he deserves a break, suppose it's my fault for breastfeeding!

broomy123 Wed 05-Aug-15 05:49:30

Bless you. Firstly don't feel bad you feel this way. Having a breastfed newborn post c section is the hardest thing I've ever done let alone with a toddler! You're knackered and you need a break. Is there anyone who could help you in the day maybe so you could nap?
I think it's worth having a chat with DH and saying for the next month or so he may have to put tennis on the back burner. Where is your family time in all of this? Suggest in the afternoons you could go to the park or out for lunch if you're up to it. I think some men don't get it and think women can survive off no sleep as they're home all day hmm. My DH is the same and I often have to chat to him about my feelings. He's normally very understanding. Good luck and remember once you crack about 8 weeks you'll be feeling better physically and the feeding should be established!

Fairylea Wed 05-Aug-15 05:55:05

4 weeks in with a newborn and a toddler I'd say it's entirely normal to sitting there thinking "what the fuck have I done". It's the worst possible time, especially if you are breastfeeding too as you never get a break (sorry but that's why I formula fed from birth - here you go dh I'm knackered, your turn....).

Things will get better but it just takes time. Your dh does also sound quite separate. Maybe if you could express some milk or offer a formula feed he could look after the dc for a whole night / day to give you a proper break from reality - and so he can see what it's really like for you.

Don't feel bad about relying on your dh financially, he is relying on you too - for childcare, for being at home etc etc. Both equally valid jobs. Make sure you both have equal spending money.

BudgeUp Wed 05-Aug-15 06:18:48

"We do deals that he has them in the morning while I rest, and I have them in the afternoon so he plays tennis."

That's not really a fair deal is it?

Bit anyway it is totally natural to feel like that. I remember being desperate to go back to my job (one that I hated!) just for the intellectual stimulation of talking to other adults and the ability to pee in private!

It does get easier as they get older. Just hang on in there and tell DH how you feel. flowers

StonedGalah Wed 05-Aug-15 07:27:23

This is like the other thread where the OP's dh went away for 4 nights with a 5 week old.

A dm would never do that and as l said on the other thread l would judge any parent who left a small dc. There is a reason why it takes two people to have a baby, and that's because at least two are needed to raise it!

I hope you can talk with your dh and he stops being a twat. Please do go and see your gp also.

It's bloody tough, I'm 33 weeks with dd2 and starting to panic a bit flowers

tumbletumble Wed 05-Aug-15 08:32:51

I'm just so miserable about what my life looks like for the few years

OP, in the kindest possible way, you have a 4-week baby! Newborns are incredibly tiring and intense - your life honestly won't be like this for the next few years!

What would you most like to change in the medium term (ie the next few months)? You'll be able to exercise again soon - maybe start planning what you would like to do and how to fit it in. When are you due to go back to work? As others have said, there is no shame in changing your plans and going back sooner if you continue to feel like this.

Why is your DH sleeping in a separate room - your choice or his?

I agree with others that while you have such a tiny baby it is perfectly reasonable to expect your DH to scale back on his tennis and social life. Make sure that when he is looking after the DC, you don't just use it to sleep, you also do something for yourself. Child free coffee maybe? Don't feel guilty about this - you deserve it!

Try talking to your DH again. Don't say you'd rather swap roles, just tell him how tired you are and how tough you're finding it, and ask for his support.

flowers Hope you start feeling better soon.

squizita Wed 05-Aug-15 09:51:18

What can you do? Kick him up the arse well the only job you alone can do is breast feeding (and if you got a pump you could have a break in a couple of weeks). Could you speak to your GP or HV to get some back up that this family set up is exhausting you and needs a rethink?

squizita Wed 05-Aug-15 09:53:56

...Oh and my dh counts sleep time for me as different to free time. Eg last Saturday I had a lie in and (dd is 10 months but a boob fed restless one) I went to see friends 6-8 so he did bed time. Not either/or.

museumum Wed 05-Aug-15 10:01:04

I understand totally. I had a very easy birth and was able to go out for a short bike ride after just three weeks. I'd feed ds then nip out for an hour knowing that dh would be fine as ds wouldn't actually be hungry again within an hour. I also did postnatal Pilates and buggy bootcamp with ds in the week so my "baby groups" were very much with likeminded active women who all bemoaned the impact of bf boobs and weak pelvic floor on our ability to run.
I can imagine I would really have struggled with a Cs recovery.

But..... You'll be recovered physically really soon. And the sleep will improve not long after that. Then you'll be weaning and able to get away, go back to work.... this isn't forever. The next few months you just need to get through them you've years of enjoying being a mother smile
Try finding some little things to look forward to. This weekend plan a lazy brunch out. Research a yoga class for when your Cs is healed. Step by step.

scandichick Wed 05-Aug-15 10:01:47

YY: rest vs. playing tennis is not a fair exchange! You need both sleep and free time - if he can only play tennis every second week to give you a break to actually do something rather than sleep that's entirely fair.

YeOldeTrout Wed 05-Aug-15 10:05:47

I understand how you feel, OP. I went back to working FT so that I could see less of my children.

You need to find some time to have another identity & to have a break from the relentless responsibility. Do what you can to get your husband in charge (even a 4 week old can go 60-90 minutes without seeing you). Are there other people you can call on to sometimes mind the kids long enough for you to do a shopping run or go for a walk in the sun, or just think about something other than your kids?

Is there no prospect for you to go back to your old career once your body has recovered a bit more? How financially or logistically tricky would it be? I had an 8 yr break & went back to work that was quite similar but sufficiently different to be interesting & I can still be competent at it.

While a SAHM and even working PT, Toddler groups were a lifesaver for me to talk to other adults & adults who understood the constant interruptions. This is a lousy time of yr for groups, though, because most shut up for the summer. is there a local events/for sale Facebook page you can go on to ask about the best local parent + baby/toddler groups?

hippospot Wed 05-Aug-15 10:24:40

I haven't read all the replies.

A few years ago I was in EXACTLY the same position as you.

In addition my baby had some health issues (not life-threatening) to add to the stress. We were living in a building site. We were short of cash. It was the blackest time of my life.

I felt extremely resentful towards my husband. I ended up on ADs.

In the end what helped was a course of CBT. I felt totally trapped and like a victim of circumstance, and I was very blue indeed. The CBT helped me carve out an identity for myself despite the situation, and helped me make changes in my attitude and behaviour so that I could start to feel like I was moving forward in my life and not just disappearing as a SAHM.

Obviously it's too early as still recovering from a csection but what did eventually help me enormously was being proactive about making time for "me", to exercise, read, see friends, etc. The CBT therapist helped me realise I was just as entitled as my DH to have this as he was - but that he couldn't read my mind. I had to learn that instead of sulking it was more effective to just announce "I"m going for a swim" or whatever. DH preferred to see me being assertive rather than being a martyr, which had become my habit.

I started CBT as I came off the ADs to cushion the transition, however with hindsight the CBT alone would have been more useful than the ADs (disclaimer - for me), since the ADs brought other side effects that complicated things. Obviously ADs do help many many people, so don't rule them out.

FWIW I continued breastfeeding for over a year, at the time it was actually the only thing I actually felt good about (I felt like such a failure not "coping" or being "happier" with my beautiful children).

My motto, stolen from a friend, was "the days are long but the years are short". One day you'll look back and realise it was a difficult time (it is!) but it does get easier.

Good luck, and keep posting, you're not alone and you'll get lots of support on here (I did).

TiredOfPeople Wed 05-Aug-15 13:49:14

I feel the same. I have no friends here, no family, my DH works abroad a lot, and it;s just me, my high needs,high energy toddler and my 9 month old. I haven't had one night away, or one true lie in, in over 2 years. I'm mentally done in, fully exhausted, and knowing that this will continue for the next 5 years plus makes me just......I can't even descibe the black hole I feel I'm in sometimes. I never had a career, just jobs to earn money, but I miss my hobbies and just being able to walk to the shops (I can't even do that because my DS tantrums and thrashes after 5 minutes in the buggy). So tired of it all soemtimes.

Iggly Wed 05-Aug-15 13:52:18

It will get better. I was in a similar place when my DD was young and ds a toddler.

Now they're 5&3, life is easier, I'm back at work and I have a social life again (more so than DH!!).

I think you need to chat to your hv.

Also you are only 4 weeks in to being a mother of two. It is so so hard. But it does get better.

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