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been told im spending too much time with ds1 in the evenings?

(16 Posts)
glasshouses88 Tue 04-Aug-15 07:51:42

Hi everyone, hope you are well.
I just would just like some honest opinions and info on what others do in the evenings.
I have 2 ds. One is 4 and from my previous relationship. One is 7 months with my current oh. Me and oh have a few serious issues but I shan't go into that now.
When oh gets home from work we all usually have dinner together and then I take ds1 upstairs where we read a book and poetry or I put on a dvd for him. If I put a dvd on for him I'll usually come bk down stairs for a while,talk with oh and play with ds2, then go bk up and sit with ds1 and we muck about, then read poetry.
Oh has said to me a few times it bothers him that I spend an hour or so up stairs.that what's the point in him being here! I took it on board yes but I love being up there with ds1 in our world.
Then last night oh basically accused me of living ds1 more because I did a whole first time thing book for ds1 but haven't done that for ds2. This is obviously not true.then he had another go at me for time spent with ds1 in evenings.
Oh and ds1 can have a rocky relationship at times.oh does a lot for him and dots on him but ds1 at times won't let him put him to bed or stuff like that.
What do others think as I'm not sure how I feel about it?

Jasonandyawegunorts Tue 04-Aug-15 08:09:13

Your OH sounds very petty and jealous. This isn’t a normal way to be.

Penfold007 Tue 04-Aug-15 08:10:38

Have you done a baby journal for DS2?
You admit you prefer to spend time in your own little world with DS1 rather than with your partner and the baby.

mariposa10 Tue 04-Aug-15 08:13:34

Oh tell him to do one. You can spend time with who you like in the evenings, an hour is nothing. Does he behave in a jealous manner in other ways?

greenhill Tue 04-Aug-15 08:13:46

It sounds as if your OH is jealous of the time you spend with the DC (not putting him first when he's come home) he needs to play a more active part at bedtime, so you both get the DC to sleep. DS1 is possibly picking up on this, so acts up sometimes, but your OH needs to get past that, or it will become habitual (bedtimes will always be your job, unless you share it).

Of course you prefer being with DS1 in your own world, you are getting positive attention, not negative gripes!

outtolunchagain Tue 04-Aug-15 08:14:29

It does sound a little unusual to isolate yourself and ds1 upstairs in the evening.I can understand if you are settling him for bed but just to leave your oh and ds2 downstairs does sound odd

BeautifulBatman Tue 04-Aug-15 08:17:09

I zoned out at 'poetry'....

FurtherSupport Tue 04-Aug-15 08:18:58

How long are you spending upstairs each evening? 30-40 mins reading and settling for bed is lovely if the family can make that work. Much longer and it does sound like you're avoiding the rest of them (possibly with good reason in OH's case)

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Tue 04-Aug-15 08:22:16

Why the double post? My bedtime routine with ds takes at least an hour and involves lots of reading. I wouldn't change that for any man.

Bunbaker Tue 04-Aug-15 08:22:57

I used to have to spend more time than I would have liked with DD at bedtime when she was a toddler because she simply would not settle.

There must be some middle ground here as it sounds you are spending most of your evening upstairs.

glasshouses88 Tue 04-Aug-15 08:50:30

Thanks for ypur replies.I suppose it started because oh and I were arguing and it so much nicer for me to be upstairs with ds1 in a lovely environment if I'm honest. And because throughtout the day i have to be with ds2 all the time, i cant jump around in softplay with ds1 or jump in the swimming pool with him and it's difficult manoeuvring stairs, i dont resent that its just the way it is just now!It's not at excessive levels, it will just be an hour or so.
penfold007 no I don't have a baby journal for ds2. But that is no reflection on how much I love him, just different circumstances. When ds1 was born I was on mat leave. Ds2 born I didn't take any time off uni. I absolutely adore ds2 and can't believe how happy and contented he is,he is a blessing. A lack of writing things down doesn't mean we have attachment issues!
Maybe it's not healthy the way it is and should rethink my evening plan

Penfold007 Tue 04-Aug-15 09:41:30

glasshouses you sound exhausted and stressed. I am not suggesting you have attachment issues with the new baby. This is your second baby but your partners first so maybe he would like to create a journal for his son. Does sound as though you may have relationship issues with your partner

CatWithKittens Tue 04-Aug-15 09:49:36

It is difficult sometimes to spread yourself and the temptation to spend time with older children as they develop more intelligent interests than their first cardboard books and the delight of reading stories to them can encourage me to spend more time with them than preparing supper - fortunately DH cooks and also insists on being able to read to the children when he is home in time. I think perhaps now you have acknowledged that part of the reason was, at least at one time, to avoid atmosphere downstairs you will find it easier but I wondered if you could all do some of the bedtime stuff together? Ours love it when we sit together on one of their beds and take different parts for the readings - complete with silly voices. The older 3, despite being 12, 11 and 9, and obviously far beyond Winnie the Pooh or the Just so Stories, still come from time to time and also join in for the younger 2 - sometimes in the case of DS1, who, with 4 younger siblings, has heard the same stories frequently, from memory. The only problem with that it that it is not entirely conducive to the quiet relaxation which leads to sleep but it does seem to be bonding and something they look back on with pleasure and, as yet another request for a drink or a wee comes down the stairs from an over-excited younger child, I console myself with the idea that bonds and memories may be more important than falling asleep quickly.

Velociraptor Tue 04-Aug-15 09:55:18

It does sound a bit much, but I suspect from the little you've said you have good reason to want to hide from your DP? In most families I would expect that you could spend time happily doing things with DS1 in the same room as your DP and DS2.

glasshouses88 Tue 04-Aug-15 10:31:59

catwithkittens that sounds so lovely. I have tried to get oh involved at times...which he has but is very inconsistent...and a lot of time he will hay on the floor and fall asleep. He also does very little around the house so I normally do dinner and clean up afterwards. I wish he would bloody cook!

lotrben17 Tue 04-Aug-15 13:04:47

hmmm i think your oh issues are the main problem. If you're content you are spending the same effort on each DC, an hour is more time than I could muster but it's hardly ridiculous. You probably need to involve dc1 in dc2's bedtime routine soon - can't they both have stories together? I usually try and combine rather than parallel track - similar age gap, 4 (nearly 5) and 10 months.

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