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help with my daughters father and his girlfriend

(12 Posts)
hollieandmyivy Mon 20-Jul-15 19:20:38

I really need help! My daughter is 4 in January, so already a big girl!
Basically, my ex-boyfriend(father) has never been active in her life, always dropping in and out every few months. He would go months ignoring us, once we were even in a shop and she called 'Daddy!' after him, and he ran away.
Since December 2014, he has suddenly got a new girlfriend and is playing the 'no.1 father' card. He asked to see her, so we started off him coming to my home and seeing her for a few hours one day a week. Then his girlfriend said she wasn't happy with him being in my home, which i understood so me and him sat down and spoke about him seeing her one day a week from 11am-6pm.
Now i think this is pretty reasonable, being i am being very understanding in my position. Being a single parent is really hard, so I let him see her because she needs her dad in her life.
However now he is trying to make me feel bad, saying that his girlfriend wants to start seeing her more often and even asking to take her to the zoo (which is 3 hours from where i live) i said NO because i am not even happy taking my daughter that far, alone.
However now he is saying he is going to take me to court because i wont let his girlfriend see my daughter, especially when they have only been together a short amount of time. confused confused
Am i being unreasonable? Or am i in my own rights to not let some strange woman who i have no idea of seeing my daughter?
I must add, he was very violent with me and verbally abusive to me since recently.
Please, someone help me.
Don't get me wrong i am NOT jealous of them, i have my own boyfriend (who currently lives in Scotland, while i am in England blush ) so it's not like i have some strange man in my daughters life... Please don't think i'm jealous, i really am not. I just need this advice. TIA smile

33goingon64 Mon 20-Jul-15 19:52:39

I didn't assume you were jealous. I think you're right to be cautious about your DD spending time with a father who was violent and is abusive to you. Did you ever report his violence towards you? I expect a court would not take his side if they knew what he was like with you. At any rate I would want to meet the girlfriend before sending DD off with them.

Bellemere Mon 20-Jul-15 19:57:09

If that's what he's going to put on his court application then I can't imagine he will get very far. He will also need to attempt mediation before he can apply to court for an order. It's a long, slow process and if you are working up to him having overnight contact then he would be stupid to drag it into court. What his girlfriend wants has got nothing to do with it. It's about what is best for your DD.

GuybrushThreepwoodMightyPirate Mon 20-Jul-15 20:10:12

Blimey, lots of different issues here. First of all, you need to protect yourself and your DD from your abusive ex. Whatever happens that needs to be your priority. It's great that you are so open and willing to facilitate your DD having a relationship with her dad. He has absolutely no right to demand that his new partner has contact with your DD. The rights are all your DD's and the responsibilities are all for you and your ex.
You sound lovely, have confidence!

hollieandmyivy Mon 20-Jul-15 22:33:06

He has never hurt my baby, I know he loves her, but i am still sometimes worried when he shouts at me. Especially around her!
I really think it's so wrong that she is demanding to see my DD, she is still basically a child herself! I know it must be difficult for her, but she has no rights.
Whenever me and my ex have an argument about something, it's ALWAYS about me not letting HER see my girl.
It is about my DD and her Dad, not her. How do i say this to him in the nicest possible way?
I'd like to avoid court at all costs, i don't want my little lady to go through all that. I just want my feelings to actually be HEARD instead of ignored, being called rude names like a selfish bi**h by him because i don't let her see my little girl!! sad Thank you all so much for your lovely comments, it means so much. I don't have any friends because they all left when me and my ex broke up, because i met them through him! I have my family, of course, but it's so nice having other parents and such giving me this advice, thank you all so much grin

worldsworstmum2015 Tue 21-Jul-15 05:52:27

Do you know this girl have you ever met her? I'd try and say in the nicest way you can without wanting to punch him that you appreciate he might be serious with this girl and of course if they stay together your dd will have some sort of relationship with her but that you want to meet & get to know this girl before your happy to put your dd in her care and of course if your current relationship progresses you shall afford him the same luxury. Be firm though that this girl will not be making any demands over your dd

adle77 Tue 21-Jul-15 06:12:18

I would suggest mediation. My ex never listened to a word I said, always spoke over me and just wouldn't let me have my say. I booked us mediation and it's the best thing I ever done. Everything I had tried to say previously and he had disagreed with and shouted down he listened and actually agreed! Good luck smile

SycamoreMum Tue 21-Jul-15 06:19:37

His girlfriend has absolutely no right to see YOUR child, so number one, she can fuck right off.

Number two, her father has been absent most of your daughters life and needs to build a relationship with her. But this needs to be handled through the court/ some sort of official mediation if he has an abusive past. I am sure visiting hours can be arranged then and you will be present.

hollieandmyivy Tue 21-Jul-15 15:23:48

UPDATE:
He came round today and we had a chat, my Mum was there to keep things calm.
I basically said to him i don't care about what his girlfriend wants or says, it's about HIM and his daughter.
He said 'don't worry, she is in a meeting right now'
Then he said he would be taking my DD to wear m out and it would only be the two of them.
When he left, me and my mum went on the balcony for a coffee and we saw him and his girlfriend walking off with my little girl!
He has just lied to me TWICE. I really do not know how to feel about this.
I said to him that if he wants to take this to court, he bloody well should because it isn't going to be sorted otherwise. I am simply only not letting a girl he has been with for a few months see my little girl.
I was shaking with anger but i managed to keep calm while i was nearly shouting at him saying its nothing to do with his girlfriend, and only to do with my little girl and him.
But, he has now lost my trust and respect by lying to me. angry
I don't know what to do now, i am conflicted.. I want what is best for my DD, but i cannot handle him lying to us both sad

Happy36 Tue 21-Jul-15 15:25:16

Why do you not want your daughter to spend time with his girlfriend? (Sorry if I have missed something).

Bellemere Tue 21-Jul-15 16:29:14

He hasn't lied to your daughter, he has lied to you. That's totally unacceptable but seriously - avoid court. Avoid it however you can. It's hell.

Encourage him to go to mediation. Calmly explain your reservations about the girlfriend but sadly at the end of the day, what he does during his time with his daughter is up to him. It's a horrible thing to deal with but you have to deal with it otherwise your daughter gets caught in the middle. I can imagine what you are feeling - my ex husband introduced our children to his new girlfriend in our family home while I was at work!

Propose a reasonable schedule of contact and if he doesn't agree, he can apply for mediation.

wannaBe Tue 21-Jul-15 16:53:09

ok, there are a number of issues here.

Firstly, while I understand your reservations over you not wanting your dd to have a relationship with his gf, the reality is that there is very little you can do to prevent this, and assuming she doesn't have any kind of history of abuse etc no court would uphold your wish to not allow your dd contact with the gf, esp as you say she has been on the scene since January.

Given that your xp's contact with his dd has become more established since she came on the scene I would imagine it is in fact possible that she has been an influencing factor here, and may in fact be a positive influence in your dd's life.

it may not in fact be the case that she is demanding to see your dd, but that she is rather questioning your xp as to why she and your dd need to be kept apart, iyswim. There is a difference.

I would play this one differently in fact and ask to meet her rather than refusing to allow her to spend time with your dd. Ultimately if they stay together then she will be a part of your dd's life for hopefully the rest of it, iyswim. It is far more preferable to desire positive relationships between children and potential step parents than to be obstructive because of our own thoughts and fears.

At the end of the day who your xp introduces his dd to on his time isn't anything you can have a say in. Ultimately you wouldn't want to be dictated to as to who you could introduce your dd to, so that does go both ways I'm afraid.

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