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Husband selfish or is it me?

(16 Posts)
Jcpj1405 Sun 19-Jul-15 19:03:58

I just wanted some advice as I feel I have no one to talk too. We have a one year old baby but my husband doesn't think this should change what he does.My husband is going on a stag do abroad for his best mate in September for 5 days which I don't have a Problem with. He now just informs me that his friend from uni is having a stag weekend abroad 3 weeks before the 5 day stag do and he would like to go. I think it is totally unacceptable as its too close together but he just expects me to not have a problem with it. He says that I just want to stop him doing things and he will do anything for me if I am happy for him to go on this. he says he is willing to compromise but his compromise is not going, his compromise is getting me anything I want or paying for me to go away. I don't want to go away and leave my son yet as I think he is too young. I have stopped all my hobbies and sacrificed a lot since the birth of my son but my husband has just continued with his hobbies and I think this is where resentment has set in. He also has a season ticket for football and goes most weekends to this. With the football and these 2 possible stag dos abroad he won't be spending any family time with us in August. Maybe I am being unreasonable and would like him not to go on this other stag do but he just seems intent on going no matter what I think. This puts me in a difficult position as I just feel like if he goes on this stag do then he has done his own thing again and this isn't he life I want for the future with him. In my eyes it's completely selfish but maybe that's because I am a woman. I have said in anger of he goes then I will have to think about our marriage and whether I want to continue like this. I honestly think he thinks I am joking though and is going to go anyway no matter what I think.Any advice would be welcome.

fhdl34 Sun 19-Jul-15 19:39:36

I haven't got any advice except to say I completely understand where you're coming from and i would find this unacceptable. I do think it is good that he is offering to pay for you to do the same though, assuming he will be doing the full parenting role while you are gone. Although I would also be like you and feel that is too young an age to be leaving my child.
I would be extremely unhappy with my DH just for having the season ticket TBH, the odd weekend to take some time out for yourself is acceptable in our house but not every other weekend, but then my DH is very hands on and we also make family time, doing stuff with the kids (even if it is just the local park), a priority, and we both feel the same about that. It sounds like you two aren't on the same page at all. What sort of relationship did your DH have with his dad? If it was good is it important to him to replicate that? My in laws split when DH was 7 but his dad had them every weekend and 1 night per week for tea, plus half the holidays, he was very hands on, that's how I knew DH would be, his family are very child orientated

worldsworstmum2015 Sun 19-Jul-15 21:32:02

Yes I think your being unreasonable just because you have become parents doesn't mean you stop being who you were before. Unless financially it's a problem then there's no reason why he shouldn't go. Me an my dh have always had a lads or girly breaks with our friends I don't see why having children would stop this. If you trust him what's the issue???

Kent1982 Sun 19-Jul-15 21:33:10

I'm in exactly same boat so no advice here. Mine is off on holiday and is always on some stag night away. Same offer to take me somewhere etc but I'm just not interested. I tell him he is taking the piss but it doesn't change things. I'm actually thinking that i might not be here when he comes back if he carries on organising his hectic social life and doesn't prioritise a bit better. Sorry no advice I'm just moaning

GatoradeMeBitch Sun 19-Jul-15 21:33:25

Excellent choice to put this in Parenting instead of AIBU where stag do's seem to be considered sacred above all else!

I have stopped all my hobbies and sacrificed a lot since the birth of my son
But why?! You are still an independent being, you don't have to give up everything just because you're a parent, in fact that can be quite unhealthy. Is it possible you've gone too far the other way? If you did have social commitments he wouldn't have an empty calendar to fill up.

worldsworstmum2015 Sun 19-Jul-15 21:35:52

Why have you given up your hobbies?? Why can't you continue these why dh looks after the baby? If you don't want to leave your baby that's your issue not his I'm sure your baby will be fine with your dh or Grandparents whilst you do something for yourself for a few hours

SurlyCue Sun 19-Jul-15 21:36:24

I think you are being unreasonable too. Why on earth have you given up all your hobbies and sacrificed everything? Are you one of those martyr mummies? Please dont be. You'll suck the joy from both your lives. You need to get your own life back, instead of trying to make his as miserable as youve made your own.

ThroughThickAndThin01 Sun 19-Jul-15 21:38:18

I'm thinking you are unreasonable too. Life shouldn't stop when you have a baby. It's really important to have hobbies and adult time IMO.

Gwlondon Sun 19-Jul-15 21:40:35

Start one of your hobbies again and ask him to comit to being at home while you do that hobby...? Or ask him for a weekend away as a family where he can't go to the football in return. That way you are asking for some family time..,

Happy36 Sun 19-Jul-15 21:42:19

Speak to him about how you feel and what exactly you would like to change. If he does go on the additional stag do, what could be done to make you feel better? (e.g. a babysitter so that you can have some time for yourself too) Are you worried about the cost of his hobbies and social life? Tell him and work out a compromise for both of you.

PermaShattered Sun 19-Jul-15 21:48:47

I think he's being unreasonable wanting to go on 2 close together. Has he ever heard of balance? But (as mentioned above by others) why have you given up all your hobbies, etc?

Roseybee10 Sun 19-Jul-15 22:01:21

I think you're both being a bit unreasonable.
It sounds as though you're going in opposite directions. He doesn't want his life to change and you have let your life change beyond recognition.
I think two stag dos in a month is a bit much and I'd be a bit annoyed but equally I don't think it's fair to say that some of your resentment comes from your hubby offering to pay for you to go away and you don't want to. If you don't want to then that's a separate issue and not one you should punish your hubby for. Equally I think he probably spends too much time away and doing guy things.

I think you do need to get a hobby or a regular thing just for you where he spends time with your child while you do this.
I don't leave my kids that often but I have a local beauty salon membership and go for a massage once a month. Hubby plays badminton one night a week and goes fishing or golfing once a month at a weekend. We occasionally meet up with friends at weekends and the other will watch the kids.

I don't think your hubby should maybe be going away as much but I think using the martyr line that you've given up everything for your child isn't going to help, as that has been your choice and not something your husband has caused.

Sorry if I seem harsh. It just seems like you're both pushing yourself into corners when really you need to meet in the middle.

knittingbee Sun 19-Jul-15 22:07:42

He hasn't organised two holidays for himself within a few weeks of each other - his friends have just happened to have stag dos close together. Hardly his fault. And the football season isn't all year round, so frankly I don't think that is a big deal either. What is a big deal is that you don't seem to be doing anything together, and I think if you were, you'd feel less like the balance of fun was tipping his way.

Yes life does change radically when a baby joins you, but you're still YOU - just a different version.

beavington Sun 19-Jul-15 22:09:40

I think if it was just these two being close together then put it to unfortunate timing and let it slide but if it was all the time then I'd be massively pissed off and wouldnt allow it. I would hope that if reverse situ arose then your dp would be ok with it too.

I agree you should be trying to have some form of social life while your dc is very young. Its good for you, its good for your marriage and it can be hard to get back into it when your dc are a little older otherwise. Or at least IME

Kiwiinkits Mon 20-Jul-15 23:33:12

You need to be selfish too, otherwise you will slip further into martyrdom. Be proactive and organise things that YOU like to do. In my case I like to go mountainbiking with a friend on Saturday morning. That's my time - I assert my need for that time - DH knows he's responsible for the kids.

BathtimeFunkster Mon 20-Jul-15 23:41:09

YANBU to want to be part of a family that does things together.

Our lives changed completely when we had children.

I think there is something wrong with you if your life just carries on as before when you become responsible for another life that is completely dependent on you.

No family time at all for a month is just shit.

I don't blame you at all if you want more from a husband than being the good little wife at home while he spends all his time and money acting as though your child was never born.

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