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sent dc to grandparents because I just can't cope

(30 Posts)
worldsworstmum2015 Mon 13-Jul-15 20:50:36

Name changed as I'm so embarrassed and ashamed sad

3 dc aged 9 6 and 6mth . Since dc3 was born it's all gone a bit tits up. Dc3 is such a good happy smiley pleasant baby sleeps 12 hrs at night you couldn't wish for a better easier baby. I love this child with so much a little smile from him just melts my heart we have a fantastic bond I think it's him that keep me going from day to day.

It's my relationship with the older dcs that is the problem. They don't listen to a word I say don't do anything I ask everything is a constant bloody battle even the simplest of requests, they just blatantly ignore me and carry on doing whatever the hell they want. Dc1 is full of attitude constant back chat kicking off and stomping off out the door and up the street when things don't go his way,if I ask him to do anything at all his response is "make me ". Dc2 doesn't do anything at all she doesn't want to do and has started to run off when we are out. I know none of these things are major issues but constant of it all has ground me down so much. At the weekend we were in the park when it was time to go home dc2 darted off up onto the hills despite me shouting for her to come back for ages she just turned round laughed some more and ran even further away, in the end I got so worked up I walked home and left her I LEFT A 6YO ON HER OWN BY HERSELF WHAT TYPE OF MUM DOES THAT??? dh had to go back and find her she was put straight to bed when they got home. Dh and I ended up arguing and I have spent ever since pretty much in tears.
I know deep down they're not bad kids but why are they such little bastards for me?? It's all got too much at the minute I'm ashamed to say it but I can't stand to be around them. I could easily walk out the door with dc3 and not come back. Dh knows how I'm feeling and has begged me not to he tells me I'm a great Mum and he'll have strong words with the children but at the moment something has got to give it's either them or me so grandparents have agreed they can stay there for a couple of days to give me a break.

As If that's not bad enough here's where the honesty comes in I don't feel like I want them back I'm actually dreading seeing them again on Wednesday. They love going to grandparents so they will probably see this as some type if reward sleeping 2 nights in a row.

I've tried to discipline them sending them to bed taking away privileges etc but they don't care. I've not been sleeping well for ages and been getting over anxious about all sorts it's now all coming to a head. The other week I was so stressed out all day just because they wouldn't eat their breakfast I was so wound up all day over something so insignificant I couldn't calm down.

Not sure what I want from this thread probably just to claim this year's worst mother award.

hesterton Mon 13-Jul-15 20:54:56

Poor thing - that sounds so stressful. Glad you are getting a break. You do need to have a longer term plan for dealing with them though. Do you have a health visitor you could talk to?

sandgrown Mon 13-Jul-15 20:56:43

You are not a bad mum you just have a lot on your plate at the moment. If it makes you feel better my friend got so fed up with her children rowing in the car she dumped them at the side of the road then drove round the block to calm down! Are the older children feeling pushed out by baby? Your DH must help with discipline. Good Luck x

worldsworstmum2015 Mon 13-Jul-15 21:01:22

My health visitor is fantastic I see her every 6wks or so I've also been to GP who has prescribed some medication but at the moment doesn't seem to be doing much. Dc2 was sort of incentivisied (if that's even a word) by what her teacher thought of her for example if I told her teacher she'd not been good getting ready for school she'd be mortified but now school is breaking up I've not even got that in my corner. I'm dreading the summer holidays.

FadedRed Mon 13-Jul-15 21:02:21

they will probably see this as some type if reward - not if I was one of their GP's, they wouldn't.
There would be some very serious talking going on, and from GM that would really get home that they need to be caring for you and their baby, and that I would be keeping a very close eye on what happened in the future.
Can you get the GP's on your side?

worldsworstmum2015 Mon 13-Jul-15 21:14:25

GP are most definitely on my side and I do think they will be talking to them but they love going to see them so how much will actually sink in I don't know. Ds1 is grandads favourite so to speak but even he is getting fed up of the attitude and was a bit reluctant to have them stay over but has done anyway to help me out.

When dh disciplines them it does seem to have more effect but he works 12hr days and often away so it's mainly me dealing with the day to day shit. I hate having to resort to the "do I have to tell/ring your Dad line" & he must hate walking through the door to me saying "x has done this".
Babies are Easy I'm not cut out to deal with what comes as they get older.
They probably do feel a little pushed out by dc3 but like I said he's a fairly easy baby he's put down whilst I try to do things with the older ones, they still do all the hobbies they did before and we still do all the things we did before, plus he's in bed by 7 so there's always a couple hours after that that im there to do whatever with them.

Andro Mon 13-Jul-15 22:42:42

My 2 went through tough phases at ~7 & 10, bolshy, disrespectful and argumentative to say the least...they got through it. Firm boundaries, set sanctions and lots of affection. Martial arts also helped to run the corners off, it gave a safe place to work off excess aggression.

Unfortunately, your dc (especially your eldest) is likely to be picking up on both how much you adore your baby and how much you don't like him. He's pushing boundaries looking for your strength as a leader in the house and your love as his mother. By your own admission you don't want to be around him, that is more painful for a child than I can explain...he'll act out for attention to assure himself of his security.

Maybe your meds need changing or you need some new parenting techniques, do you get quality 1-2-1 with your eldest to just spend time with him doing something age appropriate?

worldsworstmum2015 Mon 13-Jul-15 22:54:27

Yes he plays football every week I'm his biggest fan and supporter dc2 sometimes comes but generally dc3 is left at home.

I suppose it hurts more when he plays up because he knows how upset I get and he hates when dc2 plays up and upsets me so it baffles me why he then proceeds to play up too.
I try to ignore as much bad behaviour as I can and will take myself away to calm down and have a little cry then try to be upbeat and talk about something positive they've done to try and enforce the attention from good things not bad. I truly believe dc2 does not have the slightest care in the world that her behaviour upsets Me.

RandomMess Mon 13-Jul-15 23:00:28

Sounds like they are both attention seeking, they are fairly old to suddenly have to share you even more than before. It does read that you've all quickly got caught in the vicious cycle that any attention (ie for bad behaviour) is better than none.

Do you follow through with consequences? Do you let the small stuff go and pick your battles?

It does sound very tough for you.

worldsworstmum2015 Mon 13-Jul-15 23:07:00

I define try and pick my battles and I know I get worked up over stupid things even if I'm seething inside I try to let little things drop. I do stick with consequences such as taking the ipads away (this is a big one they love them ) not allowing them to do nice things we had planned like the cinema or sending them to their rooms without any tv/xbox.

Misty9 Mon 13-Jul-15 23:21:08

I really feel for you, I've got two and a very involved dh, and I still regularly want to chuck in the towel!
I would say, reading those consequences, there's a risk that they've got nothing to lose, so no reason to behave better if you see what I mean? Could you reverse it and have rewards for good behaviour? Even if that means the smallest of positives to start with? Things like, being kind with each other, eating nicely, getting dressed without fuss etc?

What are your plans for the holidays? They will smell your fear! pick up on your feelings about these so preparation is your friend here. Any schemes the older one can go to? Could be an incentive? Can your partner take some time off? Or did he use it all up when the baby was born? Don't forget you're probably still recovering from the birth too. Ask for help and accept any!

PorridgeBrain Tue 14-Jul-15 06:07:57

Not sure if this will help but I'll share it anyway in case it does. I have just introduced a new (about my 60th!) reward system which is a behaviour ladder which is what they have at school and seem to respond to it there. I have posted a set of family rules on the fridge. They start in the middle of the ladder (green) each day. If they are doing a pretty good job of rules they go up (up to 3 rungs up) and there are staggered rewards. If they are not following the rules, in most cases they get a 1-2-3 and on 3 they go down and there are up to 3 rungs down, with 3 diff consequences. If they start to behave they can go back up, otherwise they keep going Down. There are two things - not hitting and telling the truth and they know that there is no 1-2-3 with these, they go straight down . It's early days (week 2) but it's definitely helping and they are motivated by it. Mine are nearly 8 and 5 and I too am tearing my hair out and getting down over their behaviour. I feel I have at least gained a little bit of control with this (in the short term at least!) and everyone is clear on what is expected of them and the rewards and consequences. DH and I are now parenting more consistently as we are not trying to remember what we agreed/each other do, it's all in black and white.

Happy to give more info, if you think it may work.

Don't beat yourself up, I and many other parents are feeling exactly the same as you and have also regretted how we have reacted to a situation

RandomMess Tue 14-Jul-15 13:25:37

Can't believe I forgot to mention 2 of the best books I've ever read:

"How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk"

and then go onto their next book

"Siblings without Rivalry"

It may help you get to the bottom of what is going on and help all of you be happier together.

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers Tue 14-Jul-15 13:36:37

It sounds like they are jealous of their new sibling, which I guess is quite a natural reaction.

Can you try and flip it round - cinema trip as a reward for good behaviour - they can earn iPad time by getting ready for school/bed nicely? It is really easy to get into a negative cycle, and all it does is feed the 'waaah we are so hard done by, mum is horrible' mindset.

The breakfast thing - just ignore it. They are old enough to realise that when they are starving at 10am it is because they didn't eat that morning. If you take away the battle they have nothing to push against and are only punishing themselves.

Do they get any time with you without the baby?

worldsworstmum2015 Tue 14-Jul-15 13:37:03

We are on holiday for a week, they're going on holiday with grandparents for a week and older 1 is doing a football camp for 1 week so it's only 3 weeks I've got to cope with. To make matters worse dh will be working away mon-fri in London

worldsworstmum2015 Tue 14-Jul-15 13:40:23

We do the odd things without baby but nothing regular. I have to say they are brilliant with the baby especially Dc1 I suspect that's maybe because he's a little bit older.

SanityClause Tue 14-Jul-15 13:53:11

Do read the books Random suggested upthread.

They are are really good. It's more than having techniques for making your DC behave; its a whole change in the way you perceive things.

RandomMess Tue 14-Jul-15 20:26:34

What SanityClause says - it really does help you start seeing things from their perspective and that helps you deal with things completely differently.

Children have confusing and conflicting feelings which often comes out in "bad" behaviour because they don't know what is going on and how to express it.

tribpot Tue 14-Jul-15 20:44:33

I think your DH needs to take a few days off. Anyone would be at the end of their rag in your situation. What you need is a show of force to establish regime change.

worldsworstmum2015 Tue 14-Jul-15 21:22:44

I've not seen or spoken to them since they went to school yesterday morning and I'm dreading having to see them tomorrow, I've not even text/rang GPs to see how they are if I'm honest I don't want to know. I am a disgrace to motherhood sad

tribpot Tue 14-Jul-15 22:40:57

Well their dad could phone ...

This really isn't your problem to solve on your own.

worldsworstmum2015 Tue 14-Jul-15 23:01:45

Dad has phoned and been to see them

worldsworstmum2015 Tue 14-Jul-15 23:02:12

I think he's feeling quite torn

sootballs Tue 14-Jul-15 23:11:38

Being a disgrace to motherhood would be locking them in a room with no food every time they spoke.

Really. You need to stop saying that.

Mine are 2 and 4. The older is cognitively disabled (she is about the same age thinking wise as my youngest but has rhe body and size of an almost 5yo). Yesterday my two screeched and shrieked all day, fighting bickering and all sorts. They were horrible. Ans i was fairly horrible too. But they almost thought it was funny. DH was firm when he got home and said that they weren't playing nicely with mummy and that as our house rules say we have to be kind then they wouldn't have any TV before bed.

Today was a new day, I rang my mum and my oldest went to her for the day where she got some 1-2-1, and my.youngest and I went and looked at shoes (she loves shoes) then played puzzles. It was a really ok day because I knew I could call in backup. Tomorrow I've got in baking stuff so when my youngest naps I can make biscuits with my.oldest which she loves doing. We've found in the past that the oldest plays up mainly to get attention from me. What family or friends do you have as support?

I adore my.youngest although she is hard work, whereas I have a very different although still loving relationship with my oldest. I went on meds for a while as my anxiety was out of control and was in fact a sign of depression (which got worse as I refused meds), we had Homestart come in because my husband was facing redundancy and working every hour god sent. The meds stopped the red mist descending, and the support from the homestart volunteer backed me up in dealing with the god awful behaviour from my oldest.

Although mine are younger we have through a long process found that rewarding the good behaviour (over the top sometimes) and ignoring the petty bad behaviour has helped my blood pressure and their respective attitudes.

sootballs Tue 14-Jul-15 23:14:40

Stupid phone.

That said we have zero tolerance on some things. Hitting or throwing are the main two. Hurting intentionally as well. The consequence is to have a minute per age in their bedroom.

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