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Constant and unending, snipping, quibbling and bickering: how do I stop this?

(20 Posts)
WixingMords Mon 13-Jul-15 19:57:13

Two boys, 9 and 11, and they are now always snipping, quibbling and bickering, and I mean CONSTANTLY.

It used to be now and again, then frequently and now it's constant.

If i sit them down together or individually and ask them it's just a resentment filled stream of 'he did..' 'he said''.

They were just outside in the garden playing ball with other children from the estate and all I could hear was DS1 telling DS2 he was wrong all the time, criticizing him with I feel the intent to humiliate him in front of the others.

DS2 was shouting back at him telling him he was stupid and he hated him.

It's breaking my heart, he's (DS1) is wonderfully kind and patient with every single other younger child he comes across. There are times when he's so thoughtful about DS2, he'll go out and buy him something because he's upset or he sees something he knows DS2 likes with his own pocket money, but he just doesn't seem to be about to speak to him civilly.

It's not all coming from DS1, DS2 takes DS1's things and says things he knows will get DS1 into trouble, but it does seem to be mostly coming from DS1

This may or may not be important;

Both boys have struggled in school keeping up with their class, DS1 has now caught up after simply being on the latter end of the learning curve where reading and writing was concerned. But for the couple of years I think he was very conscious he was 'bottom of the class'. DS2 has just been diagnosed with dyslexia and is hugely self conscious about people being better/cleverer. He thinks his brother is smart and talented and feels he is stupid and talent-less (he loves sport but his co-ordination is hampering him somewhat, though he certainly isn't poor at the ones he plays)

I'm at the end of my tether and I would welcome advice

WixingMords Tue 14-Jul-15 17:28:49

Anyone?

ChillySundays Tue 14-Jul-15 22:28:30

Siblings do bicker and fight so it's not unusual. Mine used to literally kick the shit of each other. Both knew how to push the other's buttons.

I have no experience of dyslexia but can understand how your DS must feel. Now he has a diagnosis help can now be put in place for him. Plenty of dyslexics go to universities.

Hope this has helped a bit

Hellionsitem2 Tue 14-Jul-15 22:31:08

Can you try live bombing both boys separately and making them feel more valued and special

Hellionsitem2 Tue 14-Jul-15 22:31:22

Love not live

FunnyNameHere Tue 14-Jul-15 22:32:19

I could've written this! My boys are 12 and 7. DS2 used to idolise DS1, until DS1's non-stop sniping, judging, criticising and mocking put him off. Now they fight/bicker/snipe most of the time.

I'm trying to improve things by making them spend time together, doing things they both enjoy. But if it's helping, it's really slow.

Hellionsitem2 Tue 14-Jul-15 22:34:27

Also are there things you can do together with both and one child? Do you share any hobbies?

Can you talk together about how you might help them feel happier?

Hellionsitem2 Tue 14-Jul-15 22:35:41

The happier, more content my kids feel, the less they snip with each other

bakingtins Tue 14-Jul-15 22:36:07

Marking place. Mine (8 and 5) are driving me insane with their squabbling. Both got glowing reports from school, tempted to write in the parent comment section 'not known at this address'! They are both lovely with baby sister. Have already said the summer holidays are going to be zero tolerance of bickering, if they want to spend the whole summer in their bedrooms with the door shut just carry on....

TigerFeat Tue 14-Jul-15 22:42:18

Mine are the same ages, but a girl and a boy with no problems in school.

Love bombing works for lots of stuff, but I don't think it helps with this.

I don't have the answer.

WixingMords Wed 15-Jul-15 00:12:04

Oh thanks for replying. I've not heard of love bombing, will look it up.

One big thing that occurred to me was that Ds1 isn't sporty, isn't interested, ds2 is and his dad trains the juniors so Ds2 spends a lot more time with his dad.

Talked to Dh about this and said we need to figure out how he can get time with ds1 alone.

Both boys get time alone with me. Not big long periods but a bit each day.

Hellionsitem2 Wed 15-Jul-15 06:43:29

Great idea to get DH to spend time with DC1.

What about cooperative board games? Catan or pandemic

CamelHump Wed 15-Jul-15 06:54:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

timeforabrewnow Wed 15-Jul-15 07:10:44

Siblings Without Rivalry by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish - great book with lots of helpful practical pointers.

My 2 boys are a year apart and used to fight/bicker (and play together) a lot.

They are much better now that they're older(they are now 15 and 14). Unfortunately now it's DS2 being critical and mean to DD3, despite the fact that she generally adores him!

WixingMords Wed 15-Jul-15 07:24:28

Great point about removing my emotion.

Yesterday they were at each other (outside playing with the other children) and I pulled them inside and told them to sit in the kitchen and keep quite until they could civilly explain themselves. DS1 spoke and then DS2, asked both how they'd feel if they had been spoken to like they had spoken to each other, but didn't express my opinion.

Though I told them that if I heard it again they be spending the day in the kitchen together, alone with only each other to speak to and play with.

I've NO idea why I said that confused

I'll look out for that book.

CamelHump Wed 15-Jul-15 07:33:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TigerFeat Mon 20-Jul-15 23:11:24

Just wondering how you're getting on Wixing? After a whole weekend of bickering and very physical 'wrestling'. I have removed all access to anything with a plug on it (except the telly) for the rest of school (so until next Tues). I'm going hardcore as I don't want to listen to them having a go at each other right through the holidays. They seem to have wracked it up a gear recently which may be down to dd being on the verge of leaving primary.

I may be imagining it, but there was marginally less fighting today.

On the plus side, they both got really lovely reports so at least they appear to be able to behave at school grin.

Kiwiinkits Mon 20-Jul-15 23:21:38

I second Siblings Without Rivalry. Excellent pointers that have helped with my (albeit much younger) kids. Practical tips about how to deal with play fights, bickering, teasing, sharing possessions etc.

WixingMords Tue 21-Jul-15 09:17:16

We're actually doing OK. I've removed my emotions, in as much as I intervene at the get go by asking ds1 to stop and think if what he's saying is nice or kind, and he sometimes comes back with 'because he...' And I just answer I understand that but there's no need for whatever he did.

ds2 tends to overreact so I'm also stepping in at the start and explaining to him why it's over the top.

There's still quibbling of course but not major set tos. We've only had one major incident because I was skyping my parents (different county) last night and ds2 stood in Ds1 way and he pushed him and it all got a bit silly. Sent them off to their rooms to put pjs on and come down when they'd calmed down.

So I will strive on!!!

WixingMords Tue 21-Jul-15 09:18:29

It's quite exhausting but I'm liking the effects.

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