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Parenting

Why do I feel like they're somehow happy to see me and DH struggle

85 replies

TwilightMad · 09/07/2015 18:16

This is how I feel about my own parents! Me and Dh have had a really tough couple of years, we have three children and the youngest who's 4 is on the verge of being diagnosed with additional needs. These last two years we have been through hell and are at the point were we feel that we are not coping and could crack any second.

As parents you don't expect to get much time to yourselves, especially when they're young but we never get ANY time together by ourselves, never. We've had two trips to the cinema in the last four years and although I'm not wanting a big night out with Dh, we are however feeling as though we need some to take some time for us before one of us snaps or we end up separating just so that we could both have a break.

But my parents won't help! Don't get me wrong they visit twice a week (for a whole hour!) and they clearly love and adore our chidlren and always spoil them but I dont want them to be spoiled all I want is for my parents to want to spend time with their grandkids and god forbid maybe once a month to maybe sit with them for a bit so that me and Dh can have a little alone time.

I'm sorry to come across as moany, I don't intend for it to seem like that, I'm just desperate! I love my kids dearly but I put myself last at every opportunity and have done for years putting everything above my own thoughts, feeling and needs and I'm now wiped out, I love my husband but I fear he's going to leave me or I'm going to leave him, and neither of us wants that. So are we being totally unreasonable to expect a bit of help from our own parents? I just get the feeling that they don't want to see us happy!

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jellyjiggles · 09/07/2015 18:21

Your not being unreasonable and having children is incredibly stressful on a relationship.

I wonder if you know why they don't offer? Have you made it clear to them that you need this time? Can you children ask them to take them out? It's far harder to turn a cute child down than an adult.

If all else fails employ a babysitter!

TwilightMad · 09/07/2015 18:26

Hiya, we can't hire a babysitter Hun, my Ds completely freaks out if he's left with anyone but family (an nursery) and after one failed attempt were he scratched the Babysitters face and winded her in the stomach we can't risk leaving him. Now don't get me wrong my Ds loves his nan and grandad and has never been aggressive towards them but he is a handful none the less. Although if they bothered to engage him in a game or watched a film with him then I've no doubt he'd sit there quite happy with them.

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MythicalKings · 09/07/2015 18:30

Maybe they feel, at their age, that looking after 3 DCs is a bit too much to ask. Have you thought about asking them to sit after you have put the DCs to bed? Maybe they would be willing then.

pinkyredrose · 09/07/2015 18:33

Do your DH parents help?

puffinrock · 09/07/2015 18:33

It sounds like they don't like children but have to pretend they do so you don't fall out with them. My parents are the same. Just let it go over your head.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 09/07/2015 18:34

Could you ask them to mind the youngest at theirs and book a Sitter for the two eldest at your hpuse?

Are your In Laws around?

If he settles at Nursery, would any of their staff be up for extra cash via babysitting?

westcoastnortherneragain · 09/07/2015 18:34

My DH and I would have a day out cinema and lunch whilst the kids were at nursery occasionally.

SleepShake · 09/07/2015 18:35

I know you feel. My parents don't live nearby but my parents in law live near by but never offer. They are very happy to look after their daughters' kids but not ours. It is upsetting but to be fair if I asked them, they probably wouldn't say no, but I just can't see why they don't

TwilightMad · 09/07/2015 18:36

Well yes I know three kids is a lot but my eldest two are 13 and 10 and are no bother whatsoever and would offer to help with our youngest DC if they were struggling. That's the thing though I genuinely don't think they would struggle as they know our Ds well and know how to manage him, I just don't think they want to help which makes me feel sad as I'd help my own children if they ever found themselves in a simile situation. And plus my mum is 51 and my dad 52 so hardly an old couple in their 70's/80's.

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ThinkIveBeenHacked · 09/07/2015 18:39

You dont say whether you have asked them, and what their response was.

puffinrock · 09/07/2015 18:40

If you feel like they want you to fail, then they probably do. My parents would love that as they get very jealous of us being so capable. It is only their own guilt for being selfish.

You can't change them I am afraid. Does your dh actually say he wants to leave or do you just feel that way? It is just one of those things that passes and goes up and down. Sometimes I want to bury dh under the patio, other days it is the kids! We always get over it quickly though.

QuiteLikely5 · 09/07/2015 18:43

I think they are being quite selfish.

Baby sitting isn't obligatory but there is nothing standing in their way.

TwilightMad · 09/07/2015 18:46

Yeah I could see if my parents would have Ds at their house and hire a sitter at mine for my youngest two, but like i said, my eldest two are no bother. They can entertain themselves, will go off and read or use the computer in their rooms and they are a pleasure (most of the time lol) it's mainly my youngest who needs looking after.

You see they had me and my twin brother young (16 and 17) and I think they feel like they missed out on loads, but I don't know how as me and my brother were always at either our nan's or grandma's house of a weekend so that they could go on days/nights out!

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puffinrock · 09/07/2015 18:50

Mine the same twilight. I practically lived up my Nans and my parents argue with me as they had to look after my 2 whilst I gave birth as they wanted to go out for dinner. I was 2 weeks over and they said well are you having it or not? Can't we just go out and you drop them rouns after? After a fight they took them and baby was here less than 2 hours later

puffinrock · 09/07/2015 18:51

Mine were in their 30s when they had us though. I have always put it down to they didn't like children and that is why they waited so long to have them.

PotteringAlong · 09/07/2015 18:54

Have you actually asked them?

TwilightMad · 09/07/2015 18:54

Sorry, yes I have asked them before and like I said they've had Ds twice before but they've made it very clear on more than one occasion that they "don't do babysitting" and that "they've had their kids and it's now their time". But what has angered me is that they've offered to mind my brothers kids once a month to help him out. Now my brother is a single parent BUT he only has his two kids during the week and of a weekend they stay over at their mother's house, he lives the easy life, out every weekend, sleeping in late etc yet my parents think he warrants help over me and my Dh. And believe me I'm not having a dig at my brother as I love him dearly, he's my best mate but I'm feeling resentful towards my parents for offering help to him and not me also, and i know that sounds juvenile but it's how I feel.

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PotteringAlong · 09/07/2015 18:56

Well how about asking your birthed one weekend?

TwilightMad · 09/07/2015 18:58

I already have but he always makes excuses ie he's working, he's already made plans, plus to be honest I don't want to have to keep mithering or begging people to help us out, it makes me feel awful. And as for dh's parents they are fab but they are in their late 70's and are struggling with their health at the moment so I couldn't ask them.

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SmokingGun · 09/07/2015 19:01

Could you find a babysitter you like, and then slowly introduce them to your DS when you are around so he becomes familiar with them? Do you have any other family that could help?

PotteringAlong · 09/07/2015 19:01

Ask nursery staff if they will babysit?

puffinrock · 09/07/2015 19:01

My advice would be don't make a big deal of it. Dh had a go at mine recently and it only made more work for me as I had to take them round and entertain them.

It is sad but this what children with ASC will have for the rest of their lives. You just have to be there for them and pledge to be a better grandparent

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bigbuttons · 09/07/2015 19:04

Can't you just get a babysitter?
There must be a reason why your parents don't want to look after your dc. Are they difficult to handle?
Perhaps your brother's children are easier?

yellowdaisies · 09/07/2015 19:11

If they help out with their other grand kids, is it possible they find your youngest hard to deal with but don't like to say so?

Would your older two be mature enough to be left on their own for an hour or two if youngest could go to your parents for a sleepover? Or is there anywhere else he might go (your brother's?)

But would second the idea of finding a babysitter he does trust - via nursery, or someone else he knows or could get to know.

But I agree they're being rather harsh on you by never offering to look after them.

TwilightMad · 09/07/2015 19:11

Well my youngest can be hard to handle hence the additional needs but he's usually really good when they come round to see him, and the two times they have babysat him he was really good. I just feel that they can't be arsed taking time out of their busy lives to help out and feel like they think we should be able to manage on our own. And to be fair we've managed on our for over 13 years no problem but we are only human and if we can't ask our own family for help every once in a while then what'sthe point?.....

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