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Unhealthy attachment ! Is there any term like this In parenting

(17 Posts)
gg1234 Mon 06-Jul-15 23:04:55

hi all ,
When does the attachment between mother and kid becomes unhealthy for both . My sisters kid is quite so much attached to her that if he doesn't sees her for a while he doesn't stops crying .They both are like ball and socket together . I feel it's not good for both . What are your views .

redcaryellowcar Mon 06-Jul-15 23:07:20

I think attachment is healthy, as he gets older, he will get more confident and less need to be with her all the time, but I really believe this needs to be child led and at the right pace for them, it's different for every child when it's right.
Most importantly I think you need to find out if it bothers your sil, if she's happy then I think it's fine.

Anticyclone Mon 06-Jul-15 23:35:47

I think we need to know the age of the child!

AlpacaMyBags Mon 06-Jul-15 23:46:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kampeki Mon 06-Jul-15 23:49:30

How old is the child? And what does your sister think?

gg1234 Tue 07-Jul-15 00:31:11

My sisters son is 3 years now . I totally agree with the views presented . As he gets old it will not be an issue . She is only unhappy that too sometimes because she needs some space and this kiddo provides none .

NanaNina Tue 07-Jul-15 00:40:19

I'm a bit puzzled by your comment that you "totally agree with the views presented" when your title mentions "Unhealthy attachment" and in your OP you say "I feel it's not good for both of them....." I wonder if you are a parent? I don't think it's unhealthy at all - quite the reverse, perfectly normal for a 3 year old and it shows there is a very secure attachment pattern between mother and child.

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty Tue 07-Jul-15 00:45:36

I don't think that there is such a term as "unhealthy attachment". Some children, for various reasons, might be more anxious when their parents aren't or clingy to them when they are, but often this is a sign that there isn't a healthy attachment not that there is.

squizita Tue 07-Jul-15 16:00:33

Age please.

In a school age or older child, there are anxiety and attachment issues which could be at play.

Younger many kids are like that.

squizita Tue 07-Jul-15 16:03:19

Sorry just read ... yeah at 3 it's normal. She could try familiarising him with another caring adult to build trust, then they might be able to babysit. But as a slow process. Being clear about where she will be and how long also helps (maybe leaving a note or clock to show) as it is very hard for them to grasp "2 hours" or whatever and trust in the return.

Heartofgold25 Tue 07-Jul-15 18:40:07

I would say that kind of attachment is completely healthy and natural, and you should be glad it is present and so obviously in place. A child depends on its parents for survival, that bond is there for a reason. I would be more concerned if there was not this kind of bond you have witnessed.

If you don't mind me saying the tone of your post suggests you feel dislodged or displaced by this attachment? Instead of feeling this way be pleased that your sister is such a good mother and that your nephew is so well cared for.

If their bond makes you feel a little left out, try and arrange to see your sister in the evenings sometimes when the little tot is asleep, and you can have a glass of wine and a natter without any interruptions. I am sure your sister would enjoy some time with you and adult conversation that was not always precariously balanced with caring for her child. I think your relationship would greatly benefit.

Flywheel Tue 07-Jul-15 18:47:09

I think needing your mum in sight at all times is a little extreme. Is there anyone else the child has a close bond with at all? Father, grandparents, you.
As the other replies indicate, lots of people are happy with this level of attachment, but I would have found it suffocating to be honest. Mine all had very strong bonds with extended family from babies and by 3 were very confident and sociable.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Tue 07-Jul-15 18:51:48

It could be anxious attachment style, impossible to say. But there are unhealthy attachment styles and being overly clingy can be a sign of anxious attachment

Heartofgold25 Tue 07-Jul-15 19:09:10

Flywheel, usually the mother (if she is the main carer) is the person a child is most attached to, it is the same all over the world.
Suffocating is not a word I would associate with a child wanting to be close to their mother, which is normal. Often toddlers DO cry when their main carer/mother leaves them...we have all seen it a hundred times over. Some children feel that way until they are five or six years old, but all will grow up to feel secure and confident in the main.
An early attached childhood is very well documented to extremely beneficial to a child both in the short and longer term.

Flywheel Tue 07-Jul-15 19:14:29

Heart, usually the main carer, yes. The ONLY one with a close bond, no.
I'm very close to my kids. They're older now but we still have a fantastic bond. But yes, I would have found it suffocating if I couldn't have had a moment to myself until each of them was 4+. I'm not suggesting that level of attachment is damaging, but it's not for me.

squizita Tue 07-Jul-15 19:25:58

Heart however even Dr Sears who is the big exponent of attachment parenting suggests the mum should (as is advised to not just it's ok) have time out with dad taking the child now and then - and also date nights with a trusted friend or relative babysitting.
Attachment parenting is NOT attached mothering it's parenting - and it doesn't mean the child just follows mum round 24/7 fearful of her going.

This behaviour is normal at 3.

However advocating being unable to leave one persons side as a part of healthy attachment parenting isn't quite right.

squizita Tue 07-Jul-15 19:28:31

Here is the link - www.askdrsears.com/news/sears-family-blog/balancing-attachment-parenting-marriage

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