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Help, My 15 year old daughter is pregnant!!

(87 Posts)
onceskinnysize8 Fri 03-Jul-15 21:49:38

So here we go, My daughter told me on Monday that she thinks she might be pregnant. Fast forward to Thursday and the Gp has confirmed it, she is 100% pregnant!
I really don't know what i am supposed to do, I haven't stopped crying, my husband has taken it even worse, i have never seen him so angry and upset. Our daughter is scared and is crying constantly.
She is resolute that she is having the baby, She says she couldn't live with herself if she had an abortion, she said she would feel like she had killed a baby. Only she could possibly make that decision.
I have told her we are there for her and we will help her bring up this baby.
I worry about her future now as a single young mum, what about school, university and being a normal 15 year old?

I really do not know what i am supposed to do in this situation, we have not told the father yet or his family, it is a boy the same age she knows from school. Beyond the shock that she is pregnant i feel ashamed and embarrassed that i have failed as a mother. I had had the talk about contraception and sex with her earlier this year as i suspected she might be sexually active, she has always been well developed physically for her age compared to her peers, clearly it didn't sink in!

I just can not get my head around my young girl being pregnant at such a young age,

What do i do? Has anybody else gone through this?

WixingMords Fri 03-Jul-15 22:14:00

No I haven't, but I don't think you have failed as a mother, she came to you and told you for a start, and it sounds as if you are handling it as well as you can.

Is she planning on telling the boy?

imwithspud Fri 03-Jul-15 22:18:50

It must be utterly devastating to find out that your teenager daughter is pregnant. But what's done is done. She is pregnant, she doesn't want a termination. There's clearly no going back now so try not to think about all the 'what if's'.

You have not failed as a mother, you cannot control everything they do at this age. Unfortunately these things do happen and the best thing to do is support your daughter in what ever she decides to do, which in this case is to continue with the pregnancy.

I'm sorry I can't offer more advice as my girls are still babies and I've never been in this position myself. But it doesn't have to be the end of her life as she knows it. A normal teenage life will be off the cards now obviously but there's no reason why she can't go on to get an education, a job, and live a fulfilling life. Your support will be imperative in helping her achieve this.

lexyloub Fri 03-Jul-15 22:21:45

No personal experience but just want to say how lucky your daughter is to have you as a mum supporting her. It's not an ideal situation and I'm sure you didn't envisage grandchildren from her for a good few years yet but the reality is that's what's happening. Support her and help her the best way you can it's not the 1950s anymore a baby at 15 doesn't mean her life is over it just means she'll need to do things a little different to others her age.
The way I see it there's worse things than babies - would you prefer to find out she's got a serious illness as opposed to having a baby?
It might be wise not to tell the boys family's straight away until you've all got your heads around it especially your daughter.
Be there for her as hard as it may be for you.

AlpacaMyBags Fri 03-Jul-15 22:25:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Devora Fri 03-Jul-15 22:26:38

No I haven't, though I myself was pregnant at not much older. My aunt had a baby at 16; my grandmother gave birth to my mum at 17. OK, those were different times, when women did start families earlier, but I also know a very sussed young woman (mum of a child in my dd's class) who is 19 now (14 when she gave birth).

None of these people had their lives destroyed by early pregnancy. I'm NOT saying it's ideal - it is certainly going to be challenging for you all - but it doesn't have to be a catastrophe.

So, what do you do? First, try to reduce the panic. If she is really resolute in her choice, then you have several months to get yourselves sorted. Get her booked in for antenatal care - there may well be a specialist midwife for teenage pregnancy who will be a source of good advice. You'll obviously need to talk to the school at some point - how far along is she? And obviously there needs to be a conversation with the young man and his family...

Mamabird3 Fri 03-Jul-15 22:26:54

I can't offer any advice as a parent in this situation as my children are all young, however I wasn't much older than your dd when I had my first son. I was 16 when I had pfb, 18 when I had dd and 21 when I had ds2 and I imagine my parents felt a similar way to how you are feeling now when I told them I was having ds1, they didn't show it though, they let me make my choice and said they would stand by me no matter what, and their support was very important to me. For what it is worth, I am still with the father of my pfb ten years down the line and we are married with two more dc. I finished my education to a levels, so did my dh and he now has a senior management role and I've recently today in fact gotten my dream job offered to me with a view to getting a degree. I just wanted to show you a positive outcome for the situation your dd finds herself in. I know it's hard for you, and it's not going to be easy for her at all, she has a long road ahead of her and she needs to be prepared for it, it hasn't been easy for me at all, but I wouldn't change it for anything. My post probably isn't that helpful to you right now, but please feel free to pm me if you would like perspective from a teenage parents point of view or just some support.

Devora Fri 03-Jul-15 22:27:26

Oh, and to add: of course you have not failed as a mother. Absolutely not.

SurlyCue Fri 03-Jul-15 22:30:29

Hi, i am really sorry you have had this news, despite what anyone says it isnt good news right now, it is life changing for all of you.

I was a teen mum and my parents took it very badly. I was slightly older at 18 and working so not as tricky a situation however i think the one great thing your daughter has going for her is you. You have said you will help her and that is just about the most important thing you could do. She absolutely will need that support and it will be a comfort to her to have heard you say it aloud.

Going forward, take some time to let the news sink in. Sleep on it, lots. Answers to the big questions will probably find their way to you with time and when you are thinking less panicky and more rationally. In the meantime, just support each other. It is a huge shock and lots to process, be kind to each other. She really needs you right now.

Mamabird3 Fri 03-Jul-15 22:34:06

I also meant to add you have definitely not failed as a mother. As cliche as it sounds, this really is one of those things that can just happen. My mum was as lovely as can be, but I still got pregnant. I knew all about sex education and contraception, but something went wrong somewhere with it and I got pregnant. I still genuinely don't know why the pill failed with my first two dcs (dc3 was planned after we married) but I am glad they are here no matter how hard it's been and now don't trust the pill at all!

Steben Fri 03-Jul-15 22:34:44

You have not failed in any way OP but you do need to ask yourself if you are prepared to take on another baby which is what in all likelihood this will be. I couldn't do it

BabyGanoush Fri 03-Jul-15 22:37:52

She must tell the father

He is 50% responsible

elderfloweriver Fri 03-Jul-15 22:41:14

Poor girl.

My friend had her DD at 15.

She has a degree from a RG university. DD is preparing to sit her GCSEs this year. They're fine smile

It can sometimes turn out OK x

LibrariesGaveUsPower Fri 03-Jul-15 22:42:35

You have not failed!

One thing I would say is be very honest about what you will do and what raising a baby will involve. Depending on her maturity, at 15 she may have a very rose tinted view of motherhood. I have a friend who was insistent she would go ahead, but basically thought her mother would do daytime childcare and babysitting. When that wasn't what her mother was prepared to offer, it was pretty ugly. As a teen my sympathies were with her, but as an adult I see it wasn't reasonable to think her mum would basically parent another baby except the fun playing bit.

Mamabird3 Fri 03-Jul-15 22:42:44

Steben that won't necessarily be the likelihood, I can only speak from my experience and in all honesty I was lucky to finish school before my son was born and came out with all A grades (sneaky stealth boast about something insignificant in the grand scheme) however I believe there are childcare grants so that young parents can carry on with studies while baby is looked after. A specialist midwife or health visitor will be able to help with that. My mum has never been expected to look after my dc beyond the usual grandparent babysitting that she offers to do, in fact I've been a bit of a martyr with refusing help just to prove I can do it! I think your dd needs to understand what boundaries you expect to be put in place when the baby arrives before she gets too far to change her mind. I think that you need to have a gentle and measured chat with her about this. It will be hard to outline those boundaries without getting upset but you both need to know what you are both expecting to happen should she continue with the pregnancy.
I'll stop the continual posting now, and I hope I have helped, this is something I feel really passionate about and have been a speaker about teen pregnancy in schools previously so have too much to say probably! blush

ohidoliketobe Fri 03-Jul-15 22:44:54

You have not failed as a mum at all OP.
I'm the product of a teenage pregnancy, my mum was 15 when she fell pregnant and 16 when I was born. She had amazing support from her parents and my Dad, she took a year out of education to look after me then went to college to get her o levels. Got a job a few years later and moved into her first home with me and my dad when she was 20.

She's an inspiration to me. My grandparents were there for her but did not bring me up. As another poster has implied this is not necessarily the case and is frankly a bit offensive.

After the initial shock, and adamant that abortion/ adoption was not a route she wanted to go down my mum got her head round the fact she was no longer a child and was going to a mum pretty quickly. Your DD needs your emotional (and yes your financial) support at the moment. Yes it's the end of her childhood but it's not the end of her life. hug it out, cry it out and start being practical now, as a family unit you're about to expand.
Good luck to you all

Jerseyknit Fri 03-Jul-15 22:47:27

My mother was pregnant with me at 15. I didn't turn out too bad. You will manage and with your support you will all be just fine. She's so lucky to have parents like you. Life won't end it will just be more challenging and everyone will be more resilient as a result. Good luck all.

FretYeNotAllIsShiny Fri 03-Jul-15 22:48:06

I wasn't much older when I had my first. My dad asked me only once if I had considered not continuing with the pregnancy. Once that question was asked and answered, neither of my parents brought up the subject again. And I was grateful for that. They were a fabulous support to me, even though I was determined to do it all myself (father was off the scene), they were there if I needed them. They helped me when I moved into a flat with decorating and such, and my mum was my birthing partner. For my daughter's first few colicky weeks, they took care of us both. Mainly emotional support, they were not well off.

History repeated itself a little when that baby hit 18 and told me she was pregnant. Slightly different circumstances, because she's not single. She and her partner managed to find themselves a rented house and all the practical stuff. I was initially shocked to find myself a grandmother at 36, but it brought me and my daughter closer together. I went to her scans and I was there for the birth (as was her partner, he said he was glad I was there). She's having number 3 now and we still have a great relationship, and I adore my grandkids. She still needs support, and will ring up most days for a little chat.

With your daughter being only 15, it will probably be a little harder for you both. Hopefully she will be able to continue her education, some places have things set up for teenage mothers, but it's not the end of the world. I wish you both the best of luck.

LibrariesGaveUsPower Fri 03-Jul-15 22:50:26

I do not think it is in any way inevitable that the OP will bring up the baby. sorry if my post offended. I just meant expectations need to be clear. My school friends resented having to get up in mornings, missing parties etc. It worked out long term, but not good at the time. I think her parents needed to say "we support you, but our limit is x "

Lovepancakes Fri 03-Jul-15 22:55:39

My friend's a teacher and told me that the teenagers who became pregnant were her very best students as no doubt it gave them a reason to work hard. It was nice to hear such a positive slant.
You sound a wonderful mum and in communicating well, and approachable and now being supportive too so don't ever say you've failed.
I know it's unexpected but hope it goes brilliantly and wish you all so well

Fleecyleesy Fri 03-Jul-15 22:58:51

You haven't failed at all. She's told you about it, you are supporting her.

I understand you need to cry about it at the moment but perhaps try not to cry in front of your dd. Tell her you will all pull together, it will be very hard work but it will be OK. She's a child and she needs you to tell her it will be OK. My cousin had a baby at 16 - that baby is now a very happy and intelligent teenager.

GlitzAndGigglesx Fri 03-Jul-15 23:03:05

The fact she felt able to come to you shows what an amazing mum you are! I didn't drop the bombshell on my dad until I was 7 months gone at 18 because I knew exactly how he would react. Being a teen parent isn't an ideal situation, but it isn't the end of the world

butterfly133 Fri 03-Jul-15 23:04:48

I'm going to say something many posters won't like...

which is that I would ask her to really think for a few days if she is sure about keeping it. She is only a child herself and she's only just heard about it. I just think it's important to be clear that door is open for her in case she gets another fortnight along and feels differently. It would be awful if she did change her mind and if she felt unable to say so and she wouldn't be the first to say "I am definitely having the baby" only to feel differently when the shock has worn off and reality has sunk in.

to that end....I'm going to say hold off before telling the boy as well.

LibrariesGaveUsPower Fri 03-Jul-15 23:07:10

No. I agree Butterfly. as a black and white teenager the answer can seem instantly obvious. Keep the door open

Mamabird3 Fri 03-Jul-15 23:14:44

I agree she needs to know all her options and that you'll support her whichever one she decides, she also needs to know that provided she's still In the relatively early stages of pregnancy that she has time to decide. I wouldn't want my posts to make it seem that I'd force anyone to continue with a pregnancy that they weren't sure they wanted, it's certainly not the way i would go with my daughter if this situation ever arose. I still think a calm and kind discussion Is what you both need to work this out, and then go from there.
Life can seem very simplistic to a teenager, I know I definitely thought I was much more adult than I was and now even almost 10 years later I realise how naive I was and even now how much more there is to learn about things!

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