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For maternity and stay at home mummies - do you ever get tired of "but I wor" from hubby?

(30 Posts)
jessica3692 Wed 01-Jul-15 12:57:13

My parter is a good dad but sometimes very frustrating. He doesn't understand that being a mum can be difficult. My daughter is 5 months and at a stage of getting bored easily making it increasingly difficult to do house work. On those tough days he has come home asking "what have you done all day?" patronisingly. Somehow I always manage to make him fresh home made meals daily and yet if he doesn't have any lunch at work and I ask why, it's because I haven't made any for him. Why do I have to? Because "I work". I breastfeed and asked theoretically if I switched to formula would you help with night feeds. "Only on Friday and Saturday".

What really annoys me is at one point before our daughter I was working (always have until LO) and he was unemployed and I still manage to do more now with a baby than he ever did!

Anyone else's fella the same? I'm sure he thinks I sit around with my feet up drinking tea all day!

jessica3692 Wed 01-Jul-15 13:01:46

I should mention though that he does help with thorough house cleaning and bakes me cakes if I want them so he isn't an unhelpful pig!

WhirlpoolGalaxyM51 Wed 01-Jul-15 13:03:21

TBH mine wasn't (and isn't) like that at all and lots of men aren't, although reading MN plenty are as well!

He sounds like a lazy sod really and a bit, I don't know, if you don't make him lunch he goes without, presumably to make you feel guilty or something?

Have you tried talking to him about it?

WhirlpoolGalaxyM51 Wed 01-Jul-15 13:04:02

ah xposts

still though I don't get the lunch thing?

and saying what have you been doing all day is horrible.

WorldsBiggestGrotbag Wed 01-Jul-15 13:05:20

No, because my DH would never say it. DD is 19 months and still wakes in the night. I do the majority of night wakings but he does his share. I EBF until 6 months but generally I fed her then she winded/settled her. He would never ask what I'd done all day and is more than happy to muck in with housework. He also does the cooking (he enjoys it). He works full time.
I'm a SAHM not a housemaid.

jessica3692 Wed 01-Jul-15 14:04:36

He's not completely unhelpful. He does the more thorough cleaning jobs like pulling out furniture to hoover and deep cleaning the carpet and thorough dusting. but no he shouldn't come out with patronising digs!

He doesn't make his own lunch because he is too lazy and would rather go without or buy lunch depending on where he is based for work. Definitely going to have a chat with him. I thought it was common for men to have that attitude but obviously not!

WhirlpoolGalaxyM51 Wed 01-Jul-15 14:34:04

I think some do and some don't. But rest assured that they aren't all like that so when you talk to him you can be reassured that it's not the "norm"!

Highlove Wed 01-Jul-15 14:37:42

Sorry - I'm sure he's s really lovely which is why you married him - but he sounds like an arse.

Will DD take a bottle? If so, I'd arrange yourself a day out - all day - this Saturday. And then another on sumday. And see how he gets on. wink

mrstothemr Wed 01-Jul-15 14:37:50

Has he experienced looking after your lo full time at all? Only when I went into hospital did dh really get a handle on how much I actually do

ItMustBeBedtimeSurely Wed 01-Jul-15 14:44:20

He sounds deeply sexist and totally disrespectful of your role.

My advice would be to go back to work if and when you can. Men like this rarely change and being a sahm is intolerable if your partner does not respect your role and you while you are doing it. I am a sahm, BTW, but my dh would never speak to me like that.

lexyloub Wed 01-Jul-15 14:45:09

Yes and I could quite happily punch him in the face every time he says it angry

lilacblossomtime Wed 01-Jul-15 14:49:54

I think you should have a talk with him. It's not up to him to question what you have done, he's not your boss. Put your foot down now and tell him this is the 21st century and he needs to sort out his attitude.

jessica3692 Wed 01-Jul-15 14:50:12

Good points. Well whenever I've mentioned arranging to go out with friends he's encouraged it. But yes would be interesting to see how he gets on!

Eventually I'll be going part time and things will have to change!

jessica3692 Wed 01-Jul-15 14:51:12

Actually things are going to change NOW smile thanks for the empowerment ladies.

dairyfreequeen Wed 01-Jul-15 14:58:12

er, no!! my dh fully acknowledges that i often have a busier day than him, even if the house is a tip. i find getting stuff done around the house next to impossible when ds is awake. We both try hard to make sure the other gets enough rest. Sounds a bit like your dh needs to spend a bit more time looking after dd on his own!

WhirlpoolGalaxyM51 Wed 01-Jul-15 14:58:35

smile hope you can get the message through!

Minesril Wed 01-Jul-15 16:58:06

My husband would never say that. He looked after our baby on his own for a day when the baby was three months old so knows how hard it can be! He actually bought me loads of chocolate after that day!

Also...he would never, ever, ever, ever, ever, EVER expect me to make his lunch - because he is not a child.

purplemurple1 Wed 01-Jul-15 17:38:30

Mine did once so I went away with work for 3 days (I'm freelance) he never said it again.

Littlef00t Wed 01-Jul-15 20:50:04

I presume he gives you a good lie in at the weekend? Even when exclusively breastfeeding DH and I would each take a morning.

I would feed dd in bed and DH would take her downstairs through to first nap while I went back to sleep or just read/tv. Was sort of bf on demand, in that unless expecting her to be hungry I would assume it was something else, but if it didn't solve it, I would offer feed so didn't usually feed her after that until 'due' and meant DH couldn't keep running back when struggling.

You then ask whether he could theoretically have fitted in some housework.

Littlef00t Wed 01-Jul-15 20:51:05

Ps my DH was off work for 3 months after dd was born so we were joint parenting til then, which gave him a good idea of life with a baby, and confidence looking after her.

Athenaviolet Wed 01-Jul-15 21:01:41

What's the longest he's had sole charge of dd?

Ime it's only men who haven't experienced real childcare who come out with stuff like that.

badg3r Wed 01-Jul-15 21:45:09

we're the other way round, dp is sahd. I would never in a million years expect him to have done housework during the day! we do it together when I get home or at the weekend.

It sounds like he could do with some alone time with your baby to remind him how all consuming looking after a five month old is... wink

squizita Thu 02-Jul-15 09:05:36

We split housework and it is agreed my "job" 9-5 is to take care of dd. You wouldn't want your childminder, nanny or teacher cleaning her oven on the job ... so bar a bit of laundry or washing up I focus on dd.

GinandJag Thu 02-Jul-15 09:14:27

I don't think you can read too much into it. Men and women are wired differently. Men find it difficult to visualise all the unseen things you have been doing all day and women often perceive criticism where none was intended.

If he isn't having lunch because you haven't made it, give him leftovers from last night's supper.

Roseybee10 Thu 02-Jul-15 20:20:38

My dh isn't like this. He's always been really supportive when I've been on mat leave both times. He actually took split parental leave with dd1 which was good as it allowed him to see how hard it was being ah home with dd all day and juggling the house. It was good for me to see how tiring it is going out to work all day and desperately needing some decompression time while also wanting to spend as much time as possible with dd before she went to bed.

I do the majority of the housework when I'm on Mat leave but we split it more when I'm working. He does things in the evening and weekends during mat leave. At the moment I'm putting dd2 to bed (she goes down awake but I usually stay with her til she's out as she needs dummy putting back in etc) which is my down time as I can lie in bed and catch up on my phone and he usually washes the bottles and gives the kitchen a clean and then we sit down and watch something together on TV.

The lunch thing is ridiculous. It's not your job to make his lunch.

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