Can anybody tell me what this means? V worried re Re adult son

[BananaCake123]

Feel really bad but am desperately worried about DS. Undiagnosed officially but is ASD. 23 years old but in terms of emotional development is still very much in teenage phase. V uncommunicative and difficult to talk to. Simmering with latent anger, mostly at his upbringing (by me). (I had a terrible marriage, suffered extreme depression and took out a lot on the children. Now re-married but took him 10 years to "accept" stepdad). V bright but he has no real job - appears naive about the world and uses house like a hotel. Spends all his time in his room watching TV or on his laptop. Appears for meals. Not much respect although better than it has been. Never brings friends to the house. Never appeared to have a social life. Now he has a bar job but often doesn't come home until 8am. Seems to be always on his phone but never talks about having friends. I only know of 1 friend from schooldays. If he goes out he only gives me minimal information. Very cagey. Never tells me who he is out with or what he is doing and if I ask, he always says the same friend (the only one I know of) and that he's going to the pictures. My guilt over his upbringing, and his own ASD issues prevent me from treating him in a more "normal" way and being assertive about my expectations of him as a member of the household. Eg I've tried to talk to him about contributing to the household -even just in terms of doing some jobs around the house but it falls on deaf ears).

Last night he stayed out last night but forgot to take his phone. I'm sorry, I know it's bad of me but I looked through his messages. I didn't know any of the names on there. There were none from the friend he always claims to be meeting up with. Some were from colleagues at the bar where he works. But most of them were about arrangements for meeting up for cinema \ drinks\party. Mostly "normal" I suppose. Although most of them were relatively short threads as though he's only known them for a short while (I'm talking about exchanges of maybe 10 texts on average in total). IT could be as simple as these are new people he has met through being a barman.

But then there were a series of messages from different numbers (no names assigned). Each number contained one text only, which was simply an address (a different one each time). A London address, usually a flat. So something like a text from +44 12345678 then inside the message would read 123 Any Road W123 (basement flat). Nothing else. No reply, no 'conversation'. Just that. I'm really worried. I don't know what this means. Can you help? I can't ask him. Thank you. x

[slippermaiden]

Is he delivering something maybe? Could be dodgy. Otherwise I haven't a clue, this is just what springs to mind.

[MrsEvadneCake]

He's either delivering something or its drugs related maybe. I hope it's not him taking drugs to people from a contact at work or using them himself.

[PotteringAlong]

Maybe he's working as a male prostiute? Or visiting prostitutes?

[TheWildRumpyPumpus]

Or sexual encounters of the paid variety.

[BananaCake123]

OMG - what do I do? I'm riddled with anxiety and already medicated to the hilt.

[FauxFox]

Does googling the addresses/numbers bring anything up?

[BananaCake123]

I will try that now. Thank you

[PotteringAlong]

Go to one of the addresses and see where it is? Or google earth it - it will show you what type of property it is.

[MrsEvadneCake]

Is there anyway you could talk to him?

[BananaCake123]

I can't tell anything from looking on google. They just look like ordinary flats. a couple look quite smart (fitzrovia type). I am shaking

[BananaCake123]

Mrs Evadne - I simply can't bring myself to talk to him. I just wouldn't know what to say or how to say it. I am sad to say I have no real relationship with him and if he knew I had looked at his phone he would never ever talk to me again, especially if it was all something completely innocent.

[BananaCake123]

Most of the messages appear to have been sent between 3-5am on Saturday and Monday nights\mornings.

[VerityWaves]

To me that would sound like sexual encounters of some sort x

[lexyloub]

With all due respect your son is a 23yr old adult you should not be reading his text messages or questioning his whereabouts. I understand you worry about his possible ASD but you need to back off he probably stays in his room because your on his case all the time. If he is meeting up with women for sex and staying out all night that's completely his perogative he's an adult and can make his own choices. He's not a child there's no reason for you to know his whereabouts and who he's with 24/7. If you treat him like a child don't be surprised that he acts like a child in regards to helping round the house etc.

[Embolio]

OP I really feel for you, you sound very anxious. i understand that your son has ASD but presumably he is not classed officially as a vulnerable adult? Does he have a social worker or support worker you could discuss with?

If not and he is generally well able to function you need to remember he is an adult, a 23 year old man. What you did was way out of line and a huge invasion of privacy. I think you need to step back from this - even if you were to find out what he was up to what would it achieve other than to estrange you further and increase your anxiety?

What absolutely is your business is how he behaves at home. Time for him to move out with the right support perhaps? Space might help your relationship considerably. Do you want to be in the same boat 5, 10 years down the line?

[BananaCake123]

lexyloub I totally understand what you are saying although I think you have understandably misinterpreted the situation. I am definitely not on his case all the time. I do not treat him like a child. It is precisely because he is so child-like in the first place that I feel he is vulnerable. He has a brother who is near his age and we have none of these issues with him because he functions normally - they both have the same level of freedom - ds2 goes out and stays out etc but he 'll always let us know where he's going and when he'll be back etc - not because he's interrogated but because he converses with us about his life and it's a normal thing (for him) to do given that he's under our roof. I don;t need to know every detail of where he's at and who with etc and nor do I need to with ds1. But there are reasons why I am concerned about ds1 based around his welfare. He is 23 physically but not mentally and my reaction is more a response to his behaviour - not the other way around. I can't see what I am doing to trigger his behaviour. Him treating me like shit is more to do with events of the past. I find that I walk on eggshells around him rather than make demands which would provoke him into childish behaviours. I've already stated that I feel so bad for looking at his phone. IT really was a last resort. YEs of course he has the right to live his life the way he wants and I have never done anything like that before - it was purely out of sheer anxiety. And if he is living under my roof then I have the right to have certain expectations of how he contributes as a household member. He knows I don't nag. And he knows how guilty I feel. It's more that he takes advantage of that fact and exploits my weakness.

[twentyten]

What does your other son think? Could he talk to his brother?

[BananaCake123]

Embolio - I know it was out of line. I am already punishing myself enough about it. And yes, maybe you are right, there should be a managed move. I have thought about that before. I truly want to enable him to have a full and happy life. But that does involve some interaction with him, which is a bit of a stumbling block. It's not that we never speak, just that it's all superficial because I am scared and because he is not receptive to anything more. Any attempt to get to know him, to show an interest in what he is doing, to talk about the past (in order to resolve it) to talk about the possibility of counselling is met with outright hostility. So I have no idea how to introduce this idea, without it becoming another stick for him to beat me over the head with in the "you're such a crap mother" mode. I have no confidence left in my ability to parent effectively. I (obviously, given the fact that I looked at his phone) cannot even rationalise what is a good or bad decision.

[BananaCake123]

twenty ten Ds2 has tried but he cannot get through either. DS1 v resistant to all attempts to talk about anything other than superficial things or one of his interests. DS1 very resentful of DS2. Loves him as well at a certain level, but also resentful. WE are all just very sad.

[CinnabarRed]

I mean this gently and with respect - you say you don't know how to parent him - I say that you can't parent him, because he's a 23 year old man.

You want him to be happy and fulfilled - who is to say that he isn't. Perhaps he is perfectly content with his privacy.

Be there for him if things ever go wrong, of course. But you need to accept that he is an adult now, ASD or no.

[LashesandLipstick]

Am I the only one who thinks you need to back off and give your son some space? He is 23. Leave him alone

[Naicecuppatea]

I think some of these responses are quite harsh. Your son is still living with you and if he is naïve about the world and has ASD which may affect his decisions, then I think you will never stop feeling responsible for him. I would have done the same.

I am afraid I have no suggestions as to what you should do now with re. the texts, but just keep a watchful eye on him. Discussing moving out with him may be a good idea, that way you will feel less expectations of him and it will help your relationship.

[LashesandLipstick]

Naice having an ASD doesn't mean people can patronise you and invade your privacy.

[BananaCake123]

cinnabar - thank you - Yes, I know - bad choice of words - I only meant that I will always be his mum and as such I want to be there for him and even at 23 I still have a role to play given he is living at home. I wish I could see or believe that he is happy and fulfilled - but he just seems so angry and unhappy. It's true, I suffer from anxiety and so maybe I create more worries than there are. But if he was happy and fulfilled I at least know what that would like coming from him.

[BananaCake123]

*what that would look like