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Guilt

(12 Posts)
Thomasjames2007 Sun 21-Jun-15 00:09:22

I'm probably just venting but does anyone else just feel permently guilty and constantly second guessing their decisions??

I have a lovely little boy who is 17 weeks he came via a c-section as he was half breech so that was my first feeling of guilt!! His blood sugars dropped in hospital so we had to top up with formula therefore I combination feeded for the first 4/6 weeks then moved on to formula which stirred more guilty feelings. He then had bad silent reflux (under control now) so he cried and cried and refused to sleep on his back so we placed him on his front (guilt again). Finally the reflux settled and he turned into a great sleeper (but a light one) so we put him in his room and he sleeps through from 7pm with a dream feed at 11pm (more guilt for not keeping him in with us) Finally the last straw on the guilty camels back was that I started weaning recently due to the reflux!!

Also if I'm being honest those massive feelings of motherly love seemed to take there time kicking in so again more guilt.

Don't get me wrong no one has really said much I just am finding this overwhelming feeling of guilt hard to shift. All my friends seem to be doing things the "proper" way and I just feel that I'm being judged I guess?

Anyone else feel the same?

cookiefiend Sun 21-Jun-15 02:42:50

It does get better. I had feeding problems with DD too and I think the whole "Breast is best" campaign by the NHS can make you feel really shitty when for whatever reason it doesn't happen or is difficult. Lack of sleep in the early days really doesn't help- everything seems so much worse. I am sure you are a great mum and you are providing everything your child needs. Be kind to yourself. It is still early days.

Many things you do as a mother are tinged with guilt- whatever you do. Work? Feel bad for abandoning your child. Don't work? Feel bad for setting a non feminist example. Formula feed? Guilt for poisoning your child. Breast feed? Guilt for child not gaining enough weight.

People have strong opinions on everything in motherhood. Do not let these opinions or your pre child ideas make you feel bad. You do what you can for your child in the circumstances. What suits one child and mother may not suit another. Do what works for you. If your guilt is overwhelming speak to your GP or HV as it can be a symptom of PND.

Iggly Sun 21-Jun-15 06:58:31

The choices youve made had improved things for your child.

Noone has said anything to you - it is a your own feeling. You feel guilty because you think you're doing something wrong but it sounds like you've made the right choices. So think of this that way.

2boys2girls Sun 21-Jun-15 07:07:53

As a mother you always feel guilt :-)

Bobian123 Sun 21-Jun-15 07:23:52

You could be describing me in those first few months OP smile. As iggly says, I think the judgement comes mostly from within, based on what we all think we should be doing. The fact that you worry about it shows you care very much about your baby, so try to go easy on yourself.

I found those first few weeks/months so hard and had more of a primal instinct to care for DS rather than this all consuming love I was expecting. But that has come with time! I think guilt never goes away-I now have a very active toddler but feel guilty if he's had a bit too much screen time, or not even enough veggies Etc.

You're doing a great job, keep going smile

formidable Sun 21-Jun-15 07:37:07

Yes the guilt!

I made a silly mistake on Friday. No harm done (thank god) but I've been consumed by guilt all weekend - trouble sleeping, the lot!

Awful. I don't think it ever goes.

Thomasjames2007 Sun 21-Jun-15 09:18:12

Thanks all, I guess it's just all part of the course. I have started working from home a couple of hours a day which again isn't helping.

I also know that I need to stop comparing myself to others - I've never done this in the past but probably put it down to lack of confidence.

I also agree that PND may have played a part in the beginning but who really knows as it's hard to know the difference between what's a normal feeling and what's not - of course except in the extreme cases.

Trooperslane Sun 21-Jun-15 10:28:02

Breast is best. IF you can BOTH do it.

All that's important is your child is loved, cared for and fed.

You have nothing to feel guilty about and you are looking after your DC beautifully.

Now have a brew and a thanks and crack open some wine later.

CultureSucksDownWords Sun 21-Jun-15 13:28:16

All you have to do as a parent is to make the best decision you can based on the circumstances you are in at that moment. You have done exactly that, so if you can, please try and give yourself a break.

The first few months can be a really hard slog - sleep deprivation, physical recovery from birth, adjusting to the responsibility, and you don't get much back from tiny babies. It should get better as your baby turns into a little character and their personality starts to make itself known.

tiktok Mon 22-Jun-15 11:55:22

This sounds exhausting sad

Yes, guilt is part and parcel of parenting, but the sort of feelings you are describing - relentless, keeping you awake at night, repeated going over events of his very early life - are not normal, and you may need help with them.

What you are doing is 'ruminating' and it's not good - it's all part of anxiety and low self-esteem....please don't feel guilty about it though....instead, seek help. Start with your HV. Describe what you have described here.

Hope you find the right support soon.

tiktok Mon 22-Jun-15 11:58:25

Useful article on rumination and self-blame here:

www.bbc.com/news/magazine-24444431

squizita Mon 22-Jun-15 15:47:26

YY this sounds like anxiety. thanks Mention it to your GP, there are treatments (most non drug based) available to help.
It's horrible and soul destroying and you don't have to suffer in silence.

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