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Feeling sad as DS just said none of his friends come round coz I shout too much

(54 Posts)
voluptuagoodshag Fri 19-Jun-15 16:58:55

This all stemmed from the usual straight out of school pestering to have a sleepover despite being told that advance warning is always necessary.
Anyway, after a firm no but a play is fine he and his pal continued to pester and pester me. Still a firm but exasperated no. I was then chatting to two other Mums and they come up again and pester. I'm getting quite cross now but repeated no several times and told them not to interrupt.

When we were finally walking home, they told me that pal's Mum said it was ok to have a sleepover at pal's house, despite the original question being if they could a sleepover at mine. I asked how they knew that when she wasn't at the school gate and they said she said it was ok when they asked her. I got cross again with DS saying that he knows he is not supposed to put Mum's on the spot by inviting himself because it's rude and he should wait to be asked and anyway I'd heard nothing from the Mum so surely she would have mentioned it if it was ok.

Upshot was, pal was going home to ask his Mum and she was going to text me. That was ages ago and I've heard nothing so kinda proves my point that they were at it. However I gave DS a bit of a ticking off about it and how fed up I was at being pestered when I had already said no and he knows he's not to spring such arrangements straight out of school without checking first.

He got a bit quiet and then dropped the bombshell that I shout too much and he overheard two boys in the cloakroom saying they don't like coming to my house to play footie because I shout too much. So he has stopped asking pals to play (even in the street or park where I wouldn't even be there) because he's scared they will say no. He said he didn't know which two boys it was which is the bit I find hard to believe because their cloakrooms are small and he would surely have known who it was.

I do shout a lot and I hate it but it's mainly exasperation at continually repeating myself to no avail. He said I shout too much on school trips coz I'm telling kids to hurry up (they were dawdling way behind, in a wood, near a dangerous cliff and I wanted them to keep together).

I shouted the other day to go round the back which is always open because they ring the doorbell at the front and I'd only just sat down on my ass to have a cuppa after being on my feet all day.

Sorry for long rant, I'd hate to think kids never came here because I was too shouty. Generally if any pals do something amiss I'd just tell them not to and they usually do as they are told. I don't shout at other kids, just my own coz I figure aged ten they should know the rules by now so it's not like I shout without reason. Feeling crap now.

VirginiaTonic Fri 19-Jun-15 17:05:08

Doubt it's true, he just sounds like he wants to hurt you for saying his pal couldn't sleep over. You just sound like a sensible firm mum to me who actually means no when you say no. I hate those mamby pamby can''t say no mums, at least with you they know where they stand and what the boundaries are.

voluptuagoodshag Fri 19-Jun-15 17:16:30

Thankyou! Though they do like to keep testing those boundaries wine

ImperialBlether Fri 19-Jun-15 17:22:11

It depends on the tone of voice though, doesn't it, and also what you're saying? Do you shout, "Come on sweetheart, you'll be late" or "Please can you come round the back?" or do you shout, "Come on! I've told you! You'll be late!" or "Come round the back!"

saltnpepa Fri 19-Jun-15 17:56:46

How horrible for your son. I imagine he is telling you the truth and personally I would take that as a wake-up call.

BeeInYourBonnet Fri 19-Jun-15 18:02:24

Very supportive saltnpepa hmm

OP only you know if you shout too much. There's nothing wrong with being firm. I think a lot of parents put on a type of act when they have children visiting, whereas I think being consistent is the way forward.

Perhaps time to tone it down a hit, but I wouldn't worry too much.

Finola1step Fri 19-Jun-15 18:03:06

Erm...he probably is trying to tell you in a 10 year old, cack handed way that you do indeed shout too much... And show him up in front of his mates. Which we all do in some way.

From your posts, I can tell you don't like things being sprung on you. That's fair enough but are there any times when the rules can be a bit bent?

Artandco Fri 19-Jun-15 18:03:15

I would def have a look at shouting tbh. All the above reasons don't seem valid to shout. In comparison I only shout if someone's in danger. So about to leap in front of a car kind of thing.
If they are playing in area disturbing you just go and explain that ' Ds and friend, do you mind going around the back to play as I'm trying to concentrate on something and sit down 5 mins quietly and can't hear myself think. Thanks'

' children dawdling, can you please try and keep up as I'm having a nervous breakdown here about that cliff your close to'

Finola1step Fri 19-Jun-15 18:05:58

Oh and I posted the above because I see these in myself. I am a mum to a ds and a dd and.. I'm a primary school teacher. I sometimes have to give myself a little check as in too much teacher, not enough mum. I don't want my dc growing up with too many rules and inflexibility.

nagsandovalballs Fri 19-Jun-15 18:14:02

I was that kid. It was shit. My mum used to get stressed, mainly because of work, and was still bawling me out in front of friends when I was 17/18 for not tidying up/forgetting something/being late/making a mess/being irresponsible. My friends concluded she was terrifying and would rather not waste their time being in fear at my house. She actually wasn't terrifying, but her timing meant that she would do it in front of friends quite frequently, meaning that that was the only impression they had of her.

Take this as an opportunity to talk to your ds and see if you can find a different way of communicating.

NorahDentressangle Fri 19-Jun-15 18:23:44

I would be surprised if other DCs were complaining about you. I don't think kids care what other parents are doing, they are too busy being embarrassed or shown up by their own smile

Probably your DS was cringeing at what he saw as shouting at others, on the trip, the others prob just accepted it.

If he truly hated your shouting he wouldn't be a repetitively whingeing and pestering little pest (for the sleepover), would he?

FenellaFellorick Fri 19-Jun-15 18:30:21

So he and his friend pestered and pestered you to come to your house for a sleepover and then he says his friends don't want to come over because you shout?
Clearly the pestering friend doesn't feel that way, does he?

I'd say that although you may well shout, who knows, it's unlikely to be making him not want people to comeover if he's, well, pestering for people to come over.
It's one or the other. He can't have it both ways.
This is seperate from him feeling that you shout a lot, of course.

ImperialBlether Fri 19-Jun-15 18:47:51

I'm concerned that some people are dismissing what her son says when actually none of us have any idea whether he's right or not.

OP, do you feel you are losing your temper too quickly? Do you think you do shout? Do you come across differently from other mums in the way you talk to the children?

Starlightbright1 Fri 19-Jun-15 18:58:00

I think at times we all need to take a look at ourselves and our approach, once we have them in line all the rules change again..AS they grow up the shouting all the time doesn't work it becomes louder and louder to be heard.

Do you think you shout too much?

Maybe re establish the rules and what and isn't ok and find another method of getting your point accross.

lilivonshtupp Fri 19-Jun-15 18:58:30

Tricky to say whether it's 'true' or not that you are really shouty and if it's putting friends off.

But you say yourself you 'shout a lot'. I would have found just being shouted at once by a parent of a friend absolutely terrifying. (but then I was quite a sensitive kid, I don't know what your DSs friends are like).

I would take it as a wake up call. I sometimes realise I'm getting shouty (when tired, stressed, agitated) and take it down a level as I genuinely think that it shouldn't be used too often.

Put it this way, is someone bellowed at me in an agitated way because I had accidentally rung the doorbell when I shouldn't have, as an adult I don't think I'd be happy. I probably wouldn't go over there again for a while. Kids are just as sensitive as adults sometimes. I would consider this conversation with your DS and just see if you can't be a little less 'barky' at his friends and him when he's with them.

caravanista13 Fri 19-Jun-15 19:04:30

As adults we rarely shout at other adults but so many seem to think it's ok to shout at children. It isn't!

saltnpepa Fri 19-Jun-15 19:23:02

Can you promise to your son that you won't ever shout at him again infront of his friends? If so he might be able to communicate that to his friends and be able to have his friends over. You could extend the olive branch and invite 4 friends for a sleepover and contact parents before to apologise for being shouty last time they visited and make up some excuse for yourself. Once you have repaired his social life I would focus back on your shouting. I shout but would never humiliate the kids by doing in front of their friends and I don't shout about everything, maybe a raised voice once a day which I feel shit for let alone if the kids said what your has.

Momagain1 Fri 19-Jun-15 19:43:58

I wouldnt be apologising to parents as S&P suggests. You have no idea if the other children actually said anything, nor that anyone has involved their parents. So just leave that off.

Whther or not the other children said anything, your ds has said something and you admit you shout a lot. He evidently is embarrassed. If your DC keep not following the rules or your instructions, saying them more loudly and with an angry tone is an easy habit to fall into, but a bad solution.

Tell ds/dc the new plan is, you will repeat yourself ONCE. After that, they start accruing appropriate consequences. Loss of TV or other screens. Loss of other toys. Earlier bedtimes. Additional chores. Nothing outlandish and impossible to actually enforce. You know this drill, you have read it elsewhere, and probably used it too, but everything has slipped.

It also might be handy for you to get out in front of this: look at your calender and decide one day a month per dc for a sleepover or playdate more elaborate than just coming over and playing. Then when they do this last minute stuff, you can make a counter offer for a time that suits you. Or you can just tell dc on Wed that he may invite someone on friday, and then be able to call that childs parents on Wednesday so they can plan ahead. He wont learn to plan ahead unless you teach him to plan ahead.

voluptuagoodshag Fri 19-Jun-15 20:11:07

Believe me I do try to get him to plan ahead and take responsibility. He had this pal back on Tuesday. And he was the one ringing the doorbell but still wanted to come for a sleepover. My DS says he doesn't know which children said they don't like coming round so how can I try to make amends or apologise to the parents if I don't know who they are. This is the bit I'm wondering if it really is true or if DS is making that bit up to justify his argument.
He was playing with his pals on Wednesday, had an activity last night, had a sleepover about three weeks ago so it's not like he has no one to play with. For a while it seemed like pals were round here all the time but he was never at anybody else's, honestly my house is like an after school club sometimes.
I helped at a school trip this week and never raised my voice once.
I probably could change my tone though I do start off just being firm. What the kids may perceive as being shouty is when I'm at the exasperated stage after constant repetition. I really do pay attention to other parents but their kids don't seem to whinge and pester like my DS does. E.g. At Easter in a holiday cottage he made friends with the two wee boys next door and was harping on about a sleepover after knowing them only two hours.

We did have a good chat after dinner about it and I explained that he has to take responsibility for things, which he seemed to accept (again but for how long). I said I only get shouty when he springs things on me or when heis not doing what I've repeatedly asked.

lilivonshtupp Fri 19-Jun-15 20:18:57

Sounds like you had a good talk with him, Volup.

I'm afraid my exasperated sounds like shouting too.
Perhaps in future if he keeps on at you, especially when you are talking to other people (and the other boy too) you take him/them off to one side and hiss tell them that every time they badger you, it's makes you even more determined not to let the fun thing happen. I tend to get lairy at mine when they do this too, and taking them off is a good thing, even if it's just a couple of meters away. At least it seems to them that you are 'properly' listening to them, rather than with what they see as listening with half an ear.

voluptuagoodshag Fri 19-Jun-15 20:28:01

And I didn't shout at all during the no sleepover discussion. I was firm and my tone of voice may have been brusk but it certainly wasn't shouting. And the pal in question had been round to play during the week and is also coming again on Monday for tea and a play - all organised before the sleepover whinge. And the pair of them were fibbing when they said the other Mum said it was ok.

WorldsBiggestGrotbag Fri 19-Jun-15 20:35:03

I don't think I'd completely discount what he's saying. I had a friend whose house I hated going to as her mum shouted too much/was generally very abrupt and I know other friends felt the same. It's very uncomfortable to be around even if it's not aimed at you. You've admitted you shout a lot so sounds like his friends may have a point.

saltnpepa Fri 19-Jun-15 21:19:10

Believe me I do try to get him to plan ahead and take responsibility But do you?

voluptuagoodshag Fri 19-Jun-15 22:26:11

Salt - Yes I do! Constantly! Why don't you believe me?

Anyway, further developments. I asked DD if it was possible to overhear a conversation in the cloakroom without seeing who it was and she said it was virtually impossible. DH also did some gentle questioning about the friends saying I'm too shouty and DS became even more vague and changed his story from what he told me so we are 99% sure he made it up.

WorldsBiggestGrotbag Sat 20-Jun-15 06:40:45

Maybe he doesn't want to tell you who said it in case it puts you off those particular friends?

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