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How do you share childcare with your partner?

(38 Posts)
ThinkIveBeenHacked Mon 08-Jun-15 07:49:03

Your OH is a dick.

With us I would get up work nights while on ML and he would get up Fri and Sat nights. We each had Sat or Sun as a lie in day. He has always done bath/bottle/bed.

When I returned to work we did a night "on duty" each alternatively.

Now we have a 3.6yo and a 7mo and we do alternate nights, and have done since baby2 was born, even though I was on ML.

I work shifts and he does weekdays termtime, so our kids only go to the CMs when we are both at work. He is off all school holidays so is essentially a SAHD during this time.

Whathaveilost Mon 08-Jun-15 07:39:07

Jeez, what's dick!
When Ds1 was born both of us did what needed to be done together.
DH is self employed and needed to go back straight away but the baby was initially in a crib on my side of the bed. He would snuggle into me as I fed DS and make sure I was comfortable. DH would get me a drink and anything I needed and then settle baby back inthe crib.

When I had bad nights and was exhausted he would ring up his sister who lived near by and ask her to look after Ds for a couple of hours so I could catch up with rest or if he could get away from customers would come home for an hour or two.

DH has never tried to pull a fast one with excuses not to look after his children. Consequently now the boys are older they have a very close relationship with him and adore him.

cathpip Mon 08-Jun-15 06:22:16

My dh was like this to a certain extent until I stopped facilitating it and went and dumped baby on him, literally, even when he was pretending to be "poorly". Don't leave the conversation too long as mulling over how little he does will only make you more angry.

confusedandemployed Mon 08-Jun-15 06:08:57

We split 50/50 right from the off. Bathtime / bedtime is taken in turns, the nights are split: he used to do feeds from 7pm -1am so I got a stretch of sleep and then I was on duty from 1am. I'm an early bird and he's a night owl so I do 80-90% of mornings with a day off each week. Even now, (DD is 2.3yo) it's the same. If she wakes before 1am I don't know about it. DH is completely comfortable minding his daughter and he wouldn't have it any other way
Actually he's rather scornful of men like your DH, he wonders why they bother having kids DS at all.
I've been away for 1-2 nights on countless occasions, DH manages just fine.
I think your DH is being an arse too - but it is possible that he simply doesn't know what to do...

5YearsTime Mon 08-Jun-15 06:08:17

Sorry but your DP is a total selfish arsehole. I'd have been waking him up.

My baby is 2 months and I've had to do a the night feeds as I'm breastfeeding so during the week DH will try and sleep as he gets up really early for work. He'll still check on us though. At weekends he'll keep me company during a night feed and do the nappy changes.

Right from when we brought her home he's done his fair share when he's home.

I try to be organised and have bath time all laid out for when he's home and he'll do bath time but we usually have that as some family time so I'll hang around too.

My DH does work a lot and last week was tough and he couldn't do as much but he still put her in the sling whilst he was working on his laptop at home.

When she was really little and up every two hours during the night he would send me for a nap in the evenings and keep her sleeping as long as he could. That nap saved my sanity. A few hours uninterrupted sleep was my absolute salvation at that point.

We constantly talk talk talk about what we both need/if we are tired/what we need and try to find a balance. Getting pregnant was very tough for us so maybe it's easier for my DH to appreciate it? Were you both on board with the pregnancy?

Nolim Mon 08-Jun-15 06:06:43

Like yours my dp was always too busy/tired/ill unlike i who was relaxing and getting my nails done haha during mat leave. When i went back to work our schedules meant that he had to be the sole carer for over an hour every day. So our arrangament is more balanced now due to pragmatical reasons. Good luck.

Misty9 Mon 08-Jun-15 05:56:31

Have you asked him why he's avoiding it? Is he scared? desperately trying to give him the benefit of the doubt here! with ds i did all night feedings - but dh did all nappy changes etc until he stopped needing those at night. Then dh would do the mornings after I'd fed ds. With dd, I did most of her waking and dh got up for ds still and he nearly always does the rude awakening early mornings! But we also both work part time and look after the kids part time, so are fairly equal on child care.

It sounds like your partner needs some alone time with his child - does he have this much?

Bohemond Mon 08-Jun-15 05:07:49

4.5 month old here. DH does bath time every evening. I feed and put to bed and DH feeds again at 11. I get up once in night and feed and then get up with him in morning. I can hand him over at 7.30 (we both work from home). DH then has him for two days a week if I need to work. I probably do more than 50% for the baby but he will pick things up if I need some time out or want to do something else.
Your DH is a lazy twat.

ClearEyesFullHearts Mon 08-Jun-15 05:05:18

what do you to try and make sure that childcare is a properly shared job?

Leave him with the baby for a night or two.

Also, once he's doing nights, don't split evening care. Much better to alternate 'on night duty' for 2-3 nights in a row. It provides more chance of essential, uninterrupted, sleep.

NerrSnerr Mon 08-Jun-15 04:54:22

Our baby is 9 months and is still breastfed so I need to do lots of the wakings but we also do it in shifts. My husband will go in before midnight as she's unlikely to need feeding so I can at least have a few hours undisturbed. On a weekend (and the occasional weekday) I will ask him to try and settle her if I'm struggling. I just ask for help as I need it.

Your husband sounds like an arse, I agree that you need to arrange some time away so he has to step up.

purplemurple1 Mon 08-Jun-15 04:33:38

With dc1 we split the night so I stayed up until last feed around midnight and OH got up for first feed around 5am. At weekends we took a night each.
We did that from day one so we were equally confident with dc1.
I think that could be your oh problem, i would book a night away in a couple of weeks (just for you). Then tell him you are prepared to train him up over the next couple of weeks but he needs to be up with you every night he is free the next day. Your trip will not be cancelled on any account barr him being hospitalised. Once he has done a night make a rota and stick to it put the baby in his room I need be and buy your own ear plugs.

Your oh is beng a dick don't let him get away with it any longer.

Buglife Mon 08-Jun-15 03:50:55

I have a nearly 10 month old who usually still wakes 1-2 times a night although no longer night feeds, he does require attention. I do weeknight overnights, but DH is 'on duty' from DS bedtime until 11.30pm, and again from 6am, so he will sort him out if he wakes then, which he doesn't always, but if doe example he wakes really early DH can take him so I can sleep for another hour, or get up and wash/have coffee before I do DS breakfast. Weeks he does one overnight then I get up with DS, and then we swap the next night, so I get one full nights sleep and then the next day a lie in, and DH gets breakfast, puts down for morning nap etc. DH takes him swimming on a Saturday and I sometimes go but often stay home for some alone time. DH does most bedtimes as he only gets in after dinner so it's the only thing he gets to do with him on a weekday sometimes. I'm lucky that he wants to be hands on, though I guess since I am not as obviously in need of help as in the early days when I was barely sleeping and DS would only sleep on me so in the evening there would be lots for DH to do, now I have such a routine once DS is in bed we can sit and the baby related stuff is usually done, I am doing a lot more of the practical stuff just because I'm the one here (DH out the house about 11-12 hours a day with commute). I am going back to work 2.5 days a week soon and he will look after DS on a Saturday when I work then, I'll do nursery drop off the other days as he'll be long gone to London. I am hoping DS may have stopped waking as much if he's not having night feeds but if not we'll have to think about what to do the nights before I have to work.

ohthegoats Sun 07-Jun-15 21:16:48

I have an 8 month old baby. From the first day my partner moved into the spare room and put in ear plugs. I knew he'd do this on work days, that's only reasonable while I'm on maternity leave, but he's still doing it on weekends, on holidays etc. I have stopped breast feeding in the last week, and have been mixed feeding since 6 months, so he's got a lot more opportunity to be involved in everything - he's just starting now to actually 'do' stuff, but not much of it happens without me asking him to do a specific thing. I think the general chore stuff of making bottles, getting bed stuff out, taking her for a bath etc will just improve, since it's improved a lot in the last 6 weeks.

BUT... in all that time he's only dealt with her between the hours of 11pm and 7am on 4 occasions. She's not a good sleeper, I'm exhausted and just want a night off where I can sleep for 8 hours. Or even 5 hours to be honest.

Every time we have a night scheduled in for him to be the main person getting up to her, there is a reason why it can't happen.. interview the next day, feels ill, she's ill and so on. Tonight it was meant to be happening - I put her to bed, came out of the room to find him tucked up fast asleep in the spare room. At 8.30. So... that's me on duty for the night again then is it? He's apparently 'ill' - he aches. Diddums.

Obviously we need to have a conversation about this for the future - I'm going back to work for a few days here and there as of next week, 4 days a week in September. He's also doing a 10 days in 9 days contract as of now. Even the nights before those days off there have been 'reasons' why he can't get up to her.

Apologies for the long rant (I'm FUMING right now) - what do you to try and make sure that childcare is a properly shared job? I want to get something sorted out in an almost formal way as I think that's the only way he'll actually start properly stepping up.

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