If your parents or partner's parents were against you having a child, did they come round after the baby was born? Did they take it out on the child or treat them differently to other GC? If so, what did you do? Did you lay down THE LAW or pick battles or...?
{{{{long background follows}}}}
DP and I are not married. We are having a baby in 3 months. According to his parents, this is "the worst possible thing you could do to a child" and "child abuse" and letting us go ahead with this madcap plan would be "like letting a child play in traffic". You could say they're a tad upset.
(If it matters, we're in our 30s, financially solvent, been together a decade, and it's a long-awaited, planned, much wanted pregnancy. The rest of his family, sibs & aunts/uncles are happy to off-the-wall excited, as are mine.)
They've decided being unmarried is solely my fault (ahaha it's like they don't know their own child) and told me (again) that I am "not part of their family". (At least they've moved on from calling me a gold digger and threatening to withhold DIY assistance - as we don't own a house or even a shed, that was never going to be that effective as blackmail! 
)
(Incidentally, they are very nearly as unwelcoming to their actually married son-in-law who won't go near them now, so I feel getting hitched would simply shift the focus to our other "failings" 
.)
Frankly, I'd be happy to never see them again. But that's not my call - it's DP's and he loves them.
Right now, being super mature, I'm not speaking to them. (As they live 4+h away, won't talk to me if I answer the phone and haven't called since January, they haven't noticed. But I feel better.)
I am encouraging DP to ring his folks every week or so as usual (he's a bit fed up with them, as you can imagine), to tell them baby news (scans etc) even though they carefully don't ask or say anything positive in response. I've been trying to find a time he can visit them on his own, but due to the distance, other commitments and a health scare, it hasn't happened yet.
I just don't know what to do about this mid to long term. I'll have to see them again eventually, and I'm wondering whether we need to have another row Great Big Talk and at least make it clear what what lines we will not have crossed (not that I know what those should be) or just hope they come round after Little Bean is born.
What would you do???
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Did grandparents stop being angry after baby was born?
TheMidnightHour · 03/06/2015 11:48
They sound awful. Do you want them anywhere near your child? Sorry but I think your DP needs to stand up to them: stop being total dicks or have no role on the child's life.
Good luck with your new baby. It'll be lovely. I'm sure it won't be THAT dages by its ungodly parents.
These people won't change. Ever.
It's not the law you have to see these people, if your dp does - fine. But you don't have to. Your an adult (and so is dp) so you can choose if you want horrible twats in your life or your new babies.
Toxic horrible parents make toxic horrible grandparents, they don't miraculously change over night. They may decided to like the baby when it comes but they will just choose something else to be arseholes over.
You need to think about this long term. Will DP ever stick up to them? Can you stick up for yourself? Do you want to spend the next twenty years having an arm wrestle every fucking time you speak to them?
Deal with this now. Don't think a baby will win them over. It won't. It will just make them pull more because they will want ownership on the baby too - as they will see it as an extension of their son.
I wish I had opened my eyes more and grew balls quicker with my mil. I've been NC for six months and it's been bliss
Thank you for all your comments! I feel rather less unreasonable :)
DP is (as heartofgold rightly said) very disappointed with them. He is good about drawing lines with them and is planning on reading them the riot act next time he sees them. (No good trying to do it on the phone as they can too easily hang up, and they clearly haven't taken on board what he said last time.)
We're having a bit of trouble trying to figure out what lines we can draw and enforce. Previously it's been easier, e.g. "you are not going to be invited around to our house again until you confirm you won't make racist remarks to our other guests" or "not under your roof? Fine. But if you won't give [me] a proper bed then we'll stay in a hotel." But I'm not sure how to demand or enforce that they act like normal human beings or treat all their GC equally.
Tendon I hadn't thought of it like that, but I think you're right: if there aren't any consequences they'll keep going. I don't want to have to make him choose between us and them, but I'll try to stop reminding him and let him drift away from them if that's what he feels is right.
I think some contact is unavoidable though. He is (entirely reasonably) going to want them to meet our daughter. Plus, he has siblings so we'll see them at family events. I think I will just stay away and see how it develops. And try to not bitch about them to him, too. (So hard!)
Of course, that assumes I can resist poking the bear. They do say the funniest things, with a complete straight face. Did you know that if you have a kid after 28, it will "come out weird"? DP was born when his mum was 36 . His face was a picture when she said that one! (This was back when we were 22 and they were trying to convince us to get married and give them grandbabies now now now!)
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