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How it feels when you discover that your child has been being bullied.

(16 Posts)
OinkBalloon Thu 14-May-15 00:16:57

And they put up with it for months.

And they did their best to treat it with disdain.

And they told the bully to stop.

And they kept their temper under provocation.

And they did not even understand that they were being bullied.

How does it feel to be that parent?

I'm furious that someone did this to my child. I'm distressed that my child is suffering. And I'm frightened, because I was also that child; I couldn't deal with it then, but I HAVE to deal with it now.

LittleLionMansMummy Thu 14-May-15 09:37:39

I know how I feel when ds has fallouts with others that are in all probability 6 of one and half a dozen of the other. It feels awful when he tells me some other child has hit him or won't play with him, so you have my deepest sympathy.

I was bullied because I was quite clever and wore the wrong trainers as my parents didn't have lots of money. I really believe it's made me stronger as infortunately bullies don't just exist in the school playground. How old is your child? Focus on love and cuddles and being there now, offering advice on what to do in future if it happens. You can't change what has happened but you can make sure it doesn't happen again and help equip them with skills to deal with bullies later in life. flowers

cactusandalan Thu 14-May-15 10:01:44

My parents didn't know the extent of the bullying that went on until years later, my parents were gutted and wished that somehow I'd felt able to talk to them more, when I was at school they packed us off for the day and that was that.

How old is you DC? Are they at school today? I'd find it so hard if any of my DCs were bullied as I just know how crap it feels. Is your DC opening up and talking to you?

LittleLionMansMummy Thu 14-May-15 10:46:21

My parents didn't know the full extent either, but they had some idea when i deliberately scored low in a science test and the teacher picked up on it (a very wise man - nothing escaped his attention). With me though i carried a lot of guilt because the stuff the bullies were saying was an attack on my parents (stuff to do with material possessions, which we didn't have a lot of.) and I didn't want to hurt their feelings. Kids keep this stuff from parents for all kinds of reasons - it doesn't mean you're a failure at all. In all likelihood it's because they worry about you and don't want to see you upset sad

iklboo Thu 14-May-15 10:53:53

My parents ignored it. They were of the 'just stand up to her and it'll stop' variety. Plus the age old (and I later found out from my auntie very much exaggerated) story about how my mum stood up to a girl who tried to bully her at school.

So I stopped trying to tell them about it & just took the bullying. Until one of the older girls found out & put a stop to it.

I'd be horrified if DS was bullied.

Kiwikiss1 Thu 14-May-15 10:59:44

I feel for you deeply. I was bullied and it affected me deeply. My parents never knew, however, like a poster above said, it was back in the days where school and home were kept very separate. The only thing I can suggest is back your child 100% and fight the little f%^kers! Why should they get to damage your child's self-esteem. Use every avenue you have to put a stop to it. Good luck and big big hugs xx.

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 Fri 15-May-15 17:18:24

My parents went in all guns blazing. And I am forever grateful for that. I plan to do the same if ever the case with my two.

Initially I was given a mentor from an older year group. That didn't work out. Then I was moved up a year. That didn't work. So after one term, they put me in another school, which was perfect time for me and I was there five years. It was a rapid, firm response. To me, they were loving and deeply sympathetic about it all, I was shielded as much as possible from the everything, as dealing with the bullying was enough stress.

When I think back to that time of my life, I feel such a surge of love for my folks. I really felt like we were in it together and that they had my back.

Bunbaker Fri 15-May-15 17:19:55

I know exactly how it feels. I couldn't sleep or eat.

I contacted the school, who were wonderfully supportive and dealt with the bully effectively.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant Fri 15-May-15 17:32:13

We had quite a lot if it, the school was plastered with antibulkying poster but didn't maje much about it., they made it it was DS fault, I was too protective or any other rubbish despite the fact he was coming home with friction burns in his back of being dragged around the floor or shoe marks on his hips of being kicked even when standing up.

Obviously tey tell you all that rubbish that they need to learn to relate with other pupils or stand by themselves as otherwise they will take the bulkying with them into the new school. Which was rubbish, two weeks in his new school and hid confidence started to come back.

He is a completely different child nowadays, my only regret was not moving schools much earlier.

waddleandtoddle Fri 15-May-15 17:32:33

I can add that I wish my parents did more when I was being bullied - I had to put up with it for years! They didn't even click when I applied to another school! So I dropped out after gcse and have had to fight even harder to carve a good career.

My son gets the occasional scratch or bite as he's in nursery and it makes me furious - I actually really struggle to contain my rage!! God help a child if they decide to bully my DS in the future by the looks!!

Thanks for your story enjoyingmycoffee - hit a nerve :-)

BlueChampagne Sat 16-May-15 22:27:15

I put up with it because that was what you did in the 70s and 80s. Very grateful when my Dad got a new job and we moved. DS1 has encountered some and schools are so much more on top of it now. Look at your school's published policy, and compliment your DC on being so adult in his/her response. If school not up to the mark, take it to head and governors,

SalyCinnamon Sat 16-May-15 22:39:56

I really feel for you, when my mum found out I was being bullied she was devastated with what I had to put up with on my own.

It really hit my dad hard, he had a very poor upbringing and suffered a lot of bullying, which led to him learning to stick up for himself, fighting a lot, which then led to him getting into a lot of trouble, it followed him into his adult life and even now he's 55 and if I tell someone who my dad is they will say ridiculous things like 'ohh don't mess with her' it hurts him because he isn't a thug, and hates that people will be scared of him, he will never admit it but I truly believe that the fact he put up with this for years, unable to tell his parents for fear of upsetting them, it affected his mental health.

He was furious, he always brought us up to never intentionally be unkind to anyone, to always think about our words and actions and how they could affect others, he couldn't believe that someone hadn't taught their own child this.

I felt so much better once my mum found out, so I'm sure your DC does too, I think all you need to do now is to support them all the way, which I am sure you will, it says a lot about your child's upbringing that they haven't reacted nastily, they sound like a lovely child.

AlmaMartyr Sat 16-May-15 22:46:10

So sorry for you, it is a horrible feeling. It happened to my DS and was grim to watch. The school weren't very helpful but it has been dealt with, although I did lose a lot of friends in the process (it was friends' children and they were not interested). I did protect my son though and stood up for him and I'm proud of that.

Good luck getting it sorted, it is heartbreaking sad

Mitzi50 Sat 16-May-15 22:55:59

DD was bullied by 1 girl throughout primary. Both girls are now 18 and I still feel full of rage when I see the girl and her equally nasty mother.

OinkBalloon Sun 17-May-15 07:42:46

It's shocking how we take it with us into adulthood. No-one really talks about it. Of course we need to support our dc, but the expectation seems to be that we CAN. But what if we haven't learned those skills? What if your child's experiences catapult you straight back to your own childhood, and paralyse you?

I have to say that school have been fantastic. The bullying came to light the day before my OP, and had been dealt with by the day after my OP. dealt with in a way that was authoritative, clear, and compassionate to all the children involved. My dc is happy with the outcome.

SalyCinnamon Sun 17-May-15 12:54:06

I'm so glad to read that your DC is feeling much better, kids can be horrible!

Also glad the school have supported you with this, your DC have learnt first hand that if they tell someone when they are having problems then it will be sorted out, that's a really great thing for them to know!

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