Awkward situation with my childs father and my partners family. Need advice.(9 Posts)
I have a 4 year old with my ex. I've been with my partner for 3 years and expecting a baby together.
Truthfully, my partner is more of a father to my child than my ex. It isn't that my ex is a bad dad. He is actually a good dad but due to not having whole weekends off and other commitments he only has my son for 4 hours a week on his day off which suits me. My partner works all week but has weekends off so we do the family thing, my partner is up with him when poorly if I'm exhausted (heavily pregnant) and treats him as his own. My ex and my partner accept each other and are happy with this situation.
My partners Mum seems to have a problem with my son seeing his dad and thinks he shouldn't see him and call my partner dad. I would love for him to call my partner dad but it wouldn't be fair on my ex.
She visited on my sons birthday recently and was looking through his cards turning her nose up at the cards he received from his dad and nanny etc on that side. I felt so small when she made it sound like he shouldn't of seen them. My exs partner love my son to bits.
She also has a partner that she insists that my son and our baby will call grandad. I Would never say anything but the bloke doesn't have a relationship with his own kids so why would he want to be grandad to someone else's kids but there you go.
She also insists she knows everything first. She got funny when my mum saw our scan photo before her. My mum had my son while we went so what does she expect? For me not to show my mum when we picked my son up? She gets funny if we don't go over to Christmas dinner. We usually have our own dinner to not upset anyone and visit both my family and my partners during the day. As well as my son seeing his dad.
I'm worried sick she is going to be visiting all the time when our baby is born. I don't mind people coming over but it can get too much. We both like our own privacy and home comforts.
It makes me feel upset and down. Like I can't enjoy anything once our baby is here. Will it get worse?
I just like everyone to be equal and keep the peace.
" Will it get worse? "
how dare she 'turn her nose up' at your child's cards from his family?
It doesn't sound like you have any problem at all with your child's father. It reads like all four of you adults (you, your partner, your ex-partner, and his 'new' partner) have come up with a way of bringing up your child that works for everyone.
Your problem is the MN classic, the MIL from Hell.
I don't propose to offer advice, there's thread-loads of it out there already!
My first instinct is to say she needs to back off especially over your sons dad and family. But you read so much about inlaws and parents not accepting step children that I wonder if you can find a way to manage the situation to your advantage?
Make her involved, but in a way that helps you. Let her feel important, looking after ds1 when you need it. Holding the baby to give you some precious time with ds1.
Talk with your partner and decide which battles to fight and which to let go.
What does your dp say about her behaviour? It's his job to reign her in
I think she probably needs gently reminding that although your son is very lucky to have such a wonderful relationship with your partner, his dad also loves him very much - as does that whole side of his family, because they are his family too - and it is integral to your son's happiness that his relationship with his father is also maintained. Just because you two broke up doesn't stop all his grandmother/grandfather/aunt/uncle/cousin etc relationships from being true and valid. He's a very lucky boy to have so many people that love him and are involved in his upbringing is the line I'd be touting regularly.
I think your setup sounds pretty good, and am a big advocate of people who make separated/blended family situations work with acceptance and no animosity the way you and your partner, and your ex and his parter are all doing. Go you guys. You should feel so proud of that, and I think it's awful that your MIL is making you feel 'small' about it instead.
What do you think is her reason for behaving like this? Maybe she can't cope with accepting the shades of grey that come with her son being a 'stepdad' instead of a plain old dad to your son? Would she feel any kind of social stigma do you think from friends who would judge her negatively for having a son who was a 'stepdad'? For a lot of people I think the word 'step' just has really negative connotations, or 'rough' connotations, stupid and unfair as that is (I am a stepmum).
Maybe part of her sees that your son is acting in many ways like a full-on dad in your son's life, and feels he deserves the title and is short-changed by not having it.
Basically, I can imagine why she might be acting this way, but it is YOUR son, not hers, who is the important one here, and he shouldn't have to stop calling his dad dad or seeing/having contact with that part of her family for any reason just because she wants it to be that way.
Truth is your dp isn't your son's Dad he's his step dad, your son is just a very lucky boy to have a Dad and step dad who love him to bits and who dote on him. Your boy is happy with the situation you're happy with the situation your dp and ex are both happy with the situation who cares what anyone else thinks???
When new baby arrives try to go to your mil house rather than her come to you then you're free to leave whenever you feel like it, maybe make it a weekly thing that you go to see her every Wednesday afternoon for instance she'll know then when she will be seeing baby again making it hopefully less likely she'll be popping round unannounced all the time.
I would tell your mil to back off. Regardless if she feels your son should not see his dad it's none of her business and ultimately your son should see his dad. If your son is happy and so is your partner and ex with everything then that should be fine for you all. I would also watch any comments she may make to your son, that's his family and he should not be made to feel he has to hide his relationship with his dad and dad's side of the family.
I think you are going to find it will get worse so I would set boundaries, have her involved but on your terms. Maybe visit at her house so you can choose how long you stay. Or have your partner talk to her.
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