HELP - Is my DH over paranoid or should I be worried???

[chellebelle]

Me and DH had a row this morning. He occasionally gets paraniod about stuff to do with DD (7 months, crawling and cruising) and then "tests it out" to see what woud happen.
Saturday he started to worry about someone coming into our house during the day and snatching DD while I'm busy somewhere else.
We have a double glazed front door that has no latch on it, just a 5 bolt lock that you lock with a key iykwim. With our house you come in through the front door then have to turn right to go into the living room which is a through living room / dining room and then there is a door to the kitchen but a big window between the kitchen and dining room so that it feels open plan but without any of the kitchen smells going through.
So, yesterday afternoon / evening he went out to the shop, at some point while he was out he came back into the house, took DD from the front room while I was in the kitchen with DS (aged 6) and took her out into the street. He then brings her back and carries on as if nothing happened. Then later on that evening he has a go at me that he was able to do it and I didn't notice a thing.
Bearing in mind DD is 7 months and at the moment is very attached to me - to the extent that if she's tired she will often get upset when passed to DH so that I can do dinner or something - never mind people she doesn't know very well.
I don't know what I am supposed to do. I refuse to be made to feel that I have to live my life behind a locked door and I also refuse to have DD attached to me at the hip all day because apart from anything else it would be impossible to get anything done. To be fair DH works extremely hard at work for very long hours. But he does absolutely nothing at home - he does no cooking, no cleaning, no ironing, he doesn't even make his own packed lunch in the morning. I'm a SAHM (and obviously have all the time in the world)
So, my question is (after that great long rant) is he being over paranoid or should I lock my door just in case.

[wannaBe1974]

well, IMO he is being over paranoid, but would it hurt to lock the door? I think generally we are safe in our own homes, and I am definitely not paranoid by any means, but then I think about that little girl in tyneside who was snatched from her bath ... locking the door isn't going to change the way you live your life really is it

[vitomum]

i usually keep doors locked when i am in house with ds. I know the likliehood of soemone coming into the house is remote and so yes i think i am probably being a little bit paranoid there perhaps. but if it makes me feel he is as safe and secure as he can be then i feel it is worth it and it isn't hard to do.

[wannaBe1974]

I would also add though that you and your dh should have a serious talk about his anxiety to do with your dd, and ask him why he is so paranoid. after all, how is he going too feel when she gets older and starts going places, preschool/school without you, how will he feel about you letting her go in the park etc. IMO he does need to address this issue and needs to learn not to be quite so over protective.

[vitomum]

i don't think it is necessarily unhealth to be err slightly on the side of over protectiveness / paranoia when it is about your child's safety - especially a baby. I think it is quite batural to have a hightened sense of danger when they are that age. i don;t think that means someone has a problem

[foxtrot]

Lock the door. If something did happen, god forbid, you would hate yourself and DH would never forgive you. I would be more worried about your 6yo wandering off, than anyone coming in BTW.

[Iklboo]

He is being a bit paranoid - and a bit of a fecking bully "testing" it out and then having a go at you. I bet there's a million things that he does/doesn't do that might be dangerous for DD.
I'd wait till he was asleeop and then slam his knackers between 2 hardback copies of Harry POtter.
And then lock the door

[juuule]

I do lock the door. That way I know who is coming in or going out. The younger ones can't get out without asking and unwelcome visitors can't get in unknowingly.

[Cassoulet]

Agree re locking door. Do point out to your DH that a total stranger coming in and grabbing your dd would no doubt make her scream and therefore alert you, though.

[wannaBe1974]

vitomum I take your point about risk but it's calculated risk. I.e. the chance of a stranger walking into your house and snatching a baby is miniscule. So many factors would need to come into play for this to happen - the stranger would most likely need to have knowledge that a baby was in the house, unsupervised, in order to take the chance of walking in and snatching her. What are the chances of that happening? everything is possible but some things are more likely than others.

Of course we need to be protective of our children, but it is possible to be over protective. I know someone for instance whose children were never allowed to play anywhere without her, even when they were old enough to do so. When they wanted to play with friends, the friends came over to their house - they were not allowed to go to friends' houses. Not ever. Only her mother was allowed to look after her children, they weren't allowed to have bikes because of the associated risks, they weren't allowed in the park because of potential to be abducted ... unhealthy? definitely.

[chellebelle]

Wow - thank you everyone, wasn't expecting as fast a response at that!

Please don't worry aout my DS - he's a quite a grown up 6 yr old and wouldn't dream of answering the door before looking out of the window to see and also asking who it is and even then only if it's family, never mind walking out of the door. We have had quite a few talks with him about people taking children and we also live on a fairly busy street so he knows road safety wise he's not to go out the front on his own.

General consensus so far seems to be to lock the door but I hate having to feel like I should have to. It makes me feel like I can't be safe in my own home, surely we shouldn't have to like like that???

[Iklboo]

Could you fit a chain or door alarm that "chimes" when the door is opened?

[NotQuiteCockney]

The sneaking around to "prove" things is mad.

And the risk of children being abducted by strangers is miniscule. Almost every child who is abducted, is abducted by an estranged relative of some sort.

I don't really understand your explanation of your house arrangement and what door is left unlocked ... but given that I've left my baby in the buggy outside small shops, and had him sleep in our front garden (no locks!), I'm pretty sure I'd think your DH was over paranoid.

(And an annoying bully.)

[NotQuiteCockney]

(And yeah, my 5-year-old can get out the front door, which is always just closed with a simple lock that he can open. But he's a sensible child, and would never dream of just wandering off!)

[PferPferPumpkinEater]

IMO it's not so much paranoia as being overly anxious about the wellbeing of your child. My DH is pretty much the same and to a slightly less extent so am I. All full length opening windows are kept locked, 6foot gate to back yard is kept locked and bolted so rear garden is secure and front door is always locked with keys out of the lock so DS's can't open it and escape. Cautious not paranoid.

[Iklboo]

I still advocate clapping his knackers between 2 hardback copies of Harry Potter

[WeaselMum]

I would lock the door. I keep both my front door (which is the main one we use) and the back door locked but some time ago I had to unlock the back door for something. I forgot to lock it back up again and so it must have been unlocked for weeks - I only found out when someone tried to walk into the house in the middle of the night and the house alarm went off. I was seven months pg at the time and terrified. They ran away but I did feel very stupid. I know the likelihood of that happening during the day time is smaller but I still wouldn't risk it.

The way in which your DH went about "proving" the risk to you sounds a bit OTT to me though. If it were me, I would have just said "for yours and the kids' safety it would mean a lot to me if you would just remember to lock the front door behind you when you get in"

[ditzymum]

I think your dh is going the wrong way about it tbh by 'testing' you, but locking the door is a good habit to get into.
We never locked our front door until my ds(age 2½ at the time) started answering the door / trying to go and 'find' his older brother when he was at school. After a terrifying moment when I came out of the kitchen to find the front door open and no sign of ds2 I've always locked up since. (thankfully he was only by the front gate just out of view).

[DetentionGrrrl]

Do you think because he works such long hours, he may just be worried about you being there alone with the kids all day without him? I'd just humour him, although the way he went about proving his point is a bit much. I was home (pre kids) in our old house, putting washing out one afternoon. When i came back in i found a man in my house- luckily he legged it after some nonsense about thinking he could hear an alarm going off. But, i never lock the door here in the day (nicer area)- when the baby is mobile perhaps i will, but it doesn't really worry me right now.

[Freckle]

I would probably be tempted to get into the habit of locking the door now anyway. Before you know it, dd will be walking and then will be tall enough to open the door, etc. If you get into the habit, then it will be second nature by the time she gets to that point. Alternatively, can you change the lock for one which automatically activates when you close the door (and then it will when you've just popped outside to fetch something in your undies..... ).

I think your dh is being a bit paranoid, but there's probably no harm in pandering to his fears if it doesn't cost you anything.

[lemonAIIEEE]

Wait until the next time he's out, then jam a heavy piece of furniture up against the door. When you eventually let him in, explain that you were worried that potentially the people who sold you your house might have kept a set of keys, and you never know who might have a copy, so you want to be extra careful to make sure no one could get in and snatch your children...

I like Iklboo's suggestion, mind . And more seriously, I think you need to have a calm discussion at some point about his "proving things" approach, which is the action of a slightly loopy employer rather than a responsible spouse and co-parent.

He's being over-paranoid, but I think probably you should lock the door. If we had a front door like that DS would be out of it like a shot given half a chance and he's only 21 months (but VERY good at opening doors and catches of all sorts... it took him only an afternoon to work out how to let out the nursery chickens from their chicken run).

[UniSarah]

lock it and lkeave the keys in ! will anoy dh, but "prove" to him that you are locking the door . Our front door is like yours and I do lock it , although its anice area and I sonmetimes forget and sometimes leave window open when I go out etc. I've seen that a friends slightly older boy knows how to unlock and open their similar door, so will have to start taking the keys out once ds is toddling.

[Daisymoo]

That sounds like pretty weird behaviour IMHO and no, I wouldn't lock the door if you don't want to. I don't, it would make me feel like a prisoner in my own home. The chance her being killed in a road traffic accident is far, far higher than anybody snatching her but is he going to suggest that you never leave the house?! I doubt it.

The whole reason the 3-year old being abducted was so shocking was because it is so incredibly rare that something like this happens. What sort of message does it send to our children if we teach them that the outside world is so scary and dangerous that they have to be locked up at all times? The rates of child abduction by a stranger have not risen in the last 50 years or so, we just hear about it more because of the media.

[chellebelle]

OK - so having been good and taken the advice of mners I have been locking the door 'just in case', we then have a "discussion" this morning and it comes out that he DIDN'T EVEN DO IT!!!!! FFS!!!!! He didn't take her out of the house so I didn't miss him doing it so I've been feeling like a crap mother for no F*ING reason! GGGGGRRRRRRR!!!!!! Why are men such pricks at times?!?

I explained to him (through tears) that making me feel like a crap mother was not the way to go about voicing his concerns and that he should have just said "I think we need to look at the security of the house, maybe we should put a latch on it or something to make it more secure".

I then had to go off to take DS to school so the discussion has been left somewhat hanging in the air.

MEN [HUMPH]...