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Biological Clock vs Actual Readiness?(14 Posts)
Hi there, I hope this is in the right place - this is my first post! :-O
Okay so I apologise if this gets long (I will try to edit it down to the most important points), but I have some thoughts to get out, and would like constructive/polite opinions please. If you are going to insult me, flame me or troll me please go elsewhere; I am happy for someone to disagree, but I don't want arguments, I'm here for advice and thoughts, not mockery.
I am almost 32 years old, so it's safe to say that the old 'biological clock' is ticking. Despite not really being fussed about having kids, in the last couple of years, having been around younger children more, and getting a job in a Children's Hospital, the idea of having a child of my own has really grown on me to the point where I really do want a child.
However, I have a couple of big problems:
I may get 'hate' for this, but I feel I would be a better single mother. That's not to say I would coerce or deceive anyone into being a baby-daddy, or that I would purposely break up with someone to be a single mother! Just that I am not overly bothered if a father is around. I grew up with two married parents, who are still married in their 70s and it's honestly the most poisonous environment I've ever lived in (literally non-stop arguments and shouting, emotional and mental abuse, even mild physical abuse in my childhood from my mother); in short, having two parents is not always better, it's the individuals that matter, not the combined parental unit.
I am currently living at home, because full-on rent and bills etc is obviously quite expensive. And here's my problem: babies are an extra expense, and even with all of the available benefits (partner or not), things aren't going to get any cheaper. If I saved all of my money first then it might be doable, but I don't know.
I know it's very easy for folks to say 'you don't have the money, you live at home, don't have kids', and I honestly do understand that! But I am sure many relate: I am pushing 32, the clock is literally ticking so I need to act in the next couple of years or my chances drop dramatically of ever falling pregnant.
I guess my question is - what are my options? I've been going through the potential outgo on minimum expenditure and maximum benefits (I know that sounds horribly trashy, I am a hard worker at heart, it's just something I am mentioning because it's reality etc), and if I lived in a studio or one-bed it would be tight but possible.
But what should I do? As I say, important notes:
- No I am NOT going to trick a man into impregnating me at all!
- No, I am not a benefit slacker. I am a hard worker and would do what I could to not live a life on 'free' money
- I am 32, so the clock's ticking
Sorry that was so rambling I am just trying to get all of my thoughts down. Any advice/thoughts on this?
I'm not totally sure what it is you want advice on op? Ivf? It's expensive and invasive. If you're living at home and working full time surely saving should be quite easy but being a parent is hard and choosing to do it in your circumstances is a choice few would make.
I am pushing 32, the clock is literally ticking so I need to act in the next couple of years or my chances drop dramatically of ever falling pregnant.
I think this is the good news. You're 31 right? Do you have a specific medical issue that you know will comprimise your fertility? The "fertility drops off a cliff at 35" thing has been shown to be untrue so whilst it may feel like the clock's ticking very loudly it's really not. I think it's probably better to focus on saving up and moving out (maybe meeting someone?), especially considerring your comments about your parents.
Atyour early 30s you have almost 10 years unless there's a medical reason such as early menopause. In my area the average age for giving birth is 35! Many women have their 1st at your age then siblings spread over their 30s ... and some later.
Tbh just wait.
It good you're thinking about the future.
I would never deprive a child of a loving father unless good reason/ bad luck or things happen etc. Seems cruel to me (unless you're gay etc). Every child wants a dad or two parents like the other children. Especially a boy.
Here are my thoughts, hope they give some food for thought.
Living in a one-bedroom or studio flat might work with a baby but have you considered how it might work as the child got older?
It sounds to me like your negative experiences of your parents' relationship are leading you to view all situations with two parents excessively negatively: do you think this could be the case? Do you have friends or family with more positive double parenting examples?
Or is it possible that your desire to have a child is leading you to view relationships negatively to justify taking some sort of action now rather than waiting?
I hope you find the right option for you.
The best thing you can give to a child is for you to have a good healthy loving relationship with his/her father.
I think you should perhaps work on the foundations first, most importantly moving out of the toxic home, even if it is into flat share. I would say you have realised you do want children, now think about where you want to be when you have them. Do you imagine having a baby in your current position - financially, career, relationship-wise, accommodation? If not, then these are the things to get into place first. You have plenty of time to have a baby, but not time to coast along indefinitely so start getting everything else in order. I think in two years you take stock and decide if some of your aims are unrealistic and can wait until after but the house situation really can't.
In your situation, I'd wait. Save enough to move out and be truly financially independent before you have dependents. Babies arent actually THAT expensive...but children are. Childcare is a huge cost, too, so if youre a single parent relying solely on your salary to raise a child, you'll need to factor that in big time.
It would also be wise to be free of dependency on what you describe yourself as toxic parents before bringing a baby into the situation.
I agree that you need to work on the 'groundwork' before you proceed any further (get your own place, sort out your finances, etc). As for having a kid without a father around, I assume you are considering using a sperm bank or similar. I'm not against 1-parent families, but I do think you need to bear in mind how much harder it is to have a kid on your own (I hope you don't think I'm being patronising). How are you going to manage work and childcare for example? Also, trust me, there will be plenty of times when you just want a second pair of hands around (e.g, you've had no sleep and the baby will have been relentlessly screaming for hours and you just want someone to take the baby for a couple of hours so you can get some sleep, or you actually want to go out for a couple of hours baby-free, etc). I thought I knew how hard having a baby was going to be but I was wrong - it was much harder than I expected (but also wonderful) but I think it's difficult to understand how, well, relentless and exhausting being a parent can be sometimes until you are one. I think you should find some single parents and talk to them about their experiences and understand what being a lone parent really involves.
I don't really understand why you are living at home with your parents if they are posionous and why you don't think you can change that for yourself ? My parents relationship was terrible, I have a lovely relationship now.
Really, wait till you are in a relationship and at least able to think about supporting a child, look into how much childcare will cost whilst you are at work. It would be very difficult without a partner, I know I was a single parent anf not only is it really expensive it's lonely.
Move out of your parents and then think about things
I too am struggling to understand why you are living with a pair of people who have abused you and who you describe as poisonous. It is certainly not the ideal environment to bring a child into. In your shoes, I would move out pronto and see how I felt once I'd got used to being an independent adult.
But you're single right? So you'd have to go to the sperm bank and get it syringed into you or something .
I agree about absolutely not bringing a baby into an unhappy environment with your parents. That would be mad!
You'd basically have no option other than get benefits because you can't work not even part time to begin with.
This all sounds whimsical and not thought through. Find a man to have a baby with. You do actually have 10 years or so!
For anyone planning a baby I would assume a certain level of financial security and independence would be needed, so I'd work on that first.
Once your accommodation/ career is sorted, I think your options would be adoption or IVF... both of which require some time.
In the meantime you may find that you meet someone who you want to start a family with... which is probably the best case scenario, as being a single parent is tough. Two incomes are better than one for a start.
I think, if you are single, 32, and know you want kids, you'd be wise to
- sort your career out
- become independent of your own parents
- start enquiries into adoption
- be open to the idea of meeting someone
In short, grow up and take some responsibility! And forget the benefits idea. Hope that helps?
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