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Stupid question...

(7 Posts)
bethatasitmay Sat 07-Feb-15 20:59:39

... For mums whose partners are SAHP, or those who share childcare responsibilities.

Do you feel like your DC have a different relationship with you during/after maternity leave?

I ask because I'm going back to work part time this Monday. DH is part-time too and will be taking care of DD solo for two days a week, I'll be taking care of her for one day a week, and the other two are nursery/grandparent days.

I love my DH very much and I know it's stupid, but I have a very special relationship with my DD (always comes to me for comfort, even though she loves playing with dad) and I'm so scared that I'll lose that if he becomes the "primary parent". I know it's only one day's difference and it shouldn't matter but it's a weird feeling that I just can't shake!

myotherusernameisbetter Sat 07-Feb-15 21:07:13

parenting isn't a competition.

he can have an equally "special" relationship, it wont be the same as the relationship you have with your daughter, if you are going to be jealous and resentful you probably need to change your arrangements now.

Not saying it to be nasty, my OH was the stay at home parent, I resented him a lot in retrospect. it still niggles below the surface in our relationship

EMS23 Sat 07-Feb-15 21:09:56

My DH is a SAHP and my DC's are very daddy focused but TBH it ebbs and flows.
Children change their 'favourite' all the time - phases - regardless of which parent works etc..
Some days I'm consumed with jealousy over how much extra time he gets with them and some days I count my blessings that I get to go out to work!!

bethatasitmay Sat 07-Feb-15 21:26:19

I completely understand that it's not a competition, that's not really what I meant. Apologies if it came across that way.

I just think DD and I have a different relationship to DD and DH. She lights up when she plays with him and would always choose to play with him and I'm not jealous about that. I guess I'm just worried about losing the aspect of our relationship that makes it special. It just feels like a different sort of closeness.

I don't think I'll resent DH - it's not in any way his fault, we're just doing whatever's best financially - but I think I will regret losing that time/relationship with her. I guess I'm just wondering if I should be preparing myself for our relationship to change so it doesn't upset me? Or if I'm just being daft and there won't be a big difference?

EMS23 Sun 08-Feb-15 10:41:09

Your relationship will change over time anyway but nothing, absolutely nothing, will change the fact that you're her mum and you have that particular bond.

I'm also a stepmum and believe me, it wouldn't matter if DSS lived with us 100% or 50% (which he does) - his mum is his mum and nothing I do will ever change that. Which is a good thing obviously!!

I think your fears are common for most mums returning to work and whilst recognising that things might feel different to you at times, it's worth saying that for your DD, in terms of your bond, nothing will change. IMO!

HazleNutt Sun 08-Feb-15 21:37:40

I went back full time when Ds was just 4 months, DH stayed at home with him full time. I was also worried that DS would prefer him, but that's not the case - he simply has a little different relationship with each of us. I'm still the favourite though ;)

KatyN Mon 09-Feb-15 07:03:15

We both work pt I have 2 days at home and my husb has 1. However my son changes who is favourite is regardless of this. Often on my day he will miss daddy and ask where he is. We'll have to blow daddy a kiss at work. He also has a sock of daddy's in bed to cuddle! If he's poorly he'll want me and if he's hurt he wants whoever is not there.. Or switch between us if we are both there.
So yes, I suspect your relationship will change but only that you will not be the be all and end all. In terms of her relationship with your dh it will amaze you, and I think my relationship with my husb is better because we share so much more.
Take care of yourself when you go back.. Kx

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