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MIL/DH stress advice needed!(11 Posts)
Im not sure if this is the right thread to post to but i hope it is!
Im not sure how to put this and i feel guilty writing it but im just completely drained of it all.
My MIL is constantly making me feel as if im not doing a good enough job with DD1 (16 m/o) abd DD2 (4 m/o) everytime i say something to do with the care of my children she always overrides it or ignores it completely! Just one example that happened today, DD1 has a coat and everytime she wears in MIL states that she doesnt like it so today she went and brought her a coat without even asking me, i know it sounds silly but this has been going on since she was born and its just getting worse! Yesterday we saw her and i gave DD1 her lunch and said to leave her to feed herself as she is quite capable of this i turned my back and MIL is there feeding her! These sound petty but they are just two examples of a long list!
I try to speak to DH about it and he juat says ignore her and it doesnt matter but how can i when whenever we see her (which is quite regular) she overrides everything i say and makes me feel inadequate. Sometimes i feel like she would be happier if i just signed my children over to her and she would do a better job than i do :-(
Last night i saw messages on DH's phone from her that say i should have DH's dinner ready on the table when he gets home, asking what do i do all day just sit on my bottom and watch t.v and saying im a lazy so and so! Im completly devasted by it and really dont know what to do.
Im not perfect but i try my hardest to be a good mum, i am with my children 24/7 i do everything for them, my house may not always be immaculate, my DH may not always have dinner on the table when he comes in, but my children are happy, clean, well feed and looked after yet this doesnt seem to be enough!
Any advice would be so appreciated right now!
And any advice from anyone who has maybe managed to keep an immaculate house, have dinner ready for when DH comes home and has to young children to run around after please let me know how this is possible everyday!
Your MIL is a pita but you have a bigger problem with your DH not telling her where to go. You are looking after two very young babies and, I'm sure, doing a great job! They are happy, healthy, fed and warm - what more could you want?! It might be difficult at first but you need to put your foot down when she says/does these things and make it very clear to your DH that he needs to too. Does your DH agree with MIL at all?
Go easy on yourself. You are right; MIL is wrong.
Lol at sitting on your arse all day!! I barely have time to chew my own food some days, and I have a bigger gap than you!
I'm a mother before I even consider my other 'roles'. Wifey shite takes a firm backseat to mum stuff, and from then on its downhill for any other role people expect of me. I don't even write cards to my in laws, that's their sons job!
You sound like you are trying to achieve perfection in all your roles. I shouldn't bother, no one ever lay on their deathbed wishing they had been a better dil!
We have spoke to her before about a year ago when DD1 was very young, and she said she would reign it in but if anything its just gotten worse, When i spoke to DH about it he said he doesn't agree but he also said he doesn't know what i do all day because he is not here, my comment back to him was well maybe you should try looking after the both for a day then! We have been arguing about it a lot recently because i am continually asking him to speak to her as she is his mother and i feel she may listen to him more because he wont! He just keeps saying i need to chill out and ignore her but its so hard! Ive said to him if it carries on then i will just stop seeing her or allowing her to come to the house but again i dont know if that is the right thing
Sorry just remebered i changed my username so my original post has a different user name but its still me haha!
Nunkspugget that was my retaliation to DH i told him i would love to sit on my arse all day and watch tele! Id love to be able to just simply go to the toilet on my own!
Ive said before that my children come first and currently are my main focus so wifey duties as you say do go out of the window and i didnt have a problem with that but MIL makes out like im the only mother in the world that cannot seem to juggle everything and do everything perfectly!
Your MIL is being a massive bitch. Tell her to back off! Will your 4mo take a bottle? If so I recommend going out for a whole day and leaving your DH to get on with it. Then come home and ask why your dinner is not on the table, complain about the mess and ask what he has been doing all day. He is not allowed to 'cheat' by offloading the DC on MIL or just watching Peppa pig all day. That might get him to catch himself on a bit. Honestly, if my DH even hinted at that opinion he would get short shrift. Stick up for yourself!
I think i will try that! I express bottles for DD2 all the time in the the hope that I will be able to have 5 minutes to myself but the bottles always just go to waste as she can put up abit of a fuss when taking a bottle at first but she does eventually take it DH just doesn't want to deal with the fuss at the beggining when im here as he puts it! I think ill just have to leave the house for the day so he has no choice!
I just wish he would defend me more when it comes to his mother but i guess your right until he is left to do it for a day he doesn't realise how hard it is at times!
Trouble is though, you can leave him to it but no doubt he would blame you anyway for his finding it hard. The endless list of things you should have foreseen and corrected before you left, maybe even hiding things!
If you want to get more organised, let him to dinner bath and bed for the kids while you get ready for the next day. Yes, i have dinner ready for dhs home time, but this because I have a menu, and spend the evening alone in the kitchen with wine prepping for the next day. I like waking up to pre packed snacks, change bag in car, breakfast laid out etc. All I need is half an hour kid free(thanks TV!) To sling dinner on.....also either pre made or a freezer item.
i have had the same with FIL nothing changed even with the other half mking comments, until i stood up to him ! All if was tht he tried to given my 2 lil ones tirfle when thy refused dinner i said no n he went to any way so i picked LO up n told him no he kicked off told me im pathetic ( which it may have been) Had a major fall out where didnt hear from him for 2 or 3 weeks n now he knows not to undermine me and treats me with much more respect . I wouldnt say all the time but mostly !
My MIL is very similar. I complain to DH and he understands but says ignore it. In the end i told him that i would have to say something to her the next time and that he would have to back me up, it worked.
Her texting him is just downright nasty she knows what shes doing with that. Undermining you as a mother and wife. He should have roasted her for saying that. Shes just being a bitch.
What stands out to me is that you MUST be a united front with your DH. Its your family unit and she's not being helpful.
Good luck xx
I think a lot of mother in laws think their dil should do everything perfectly. I am someone who has young children and an immaculate house, always has dinner waiting for dh when he gets home and do absolutely everything for him. All my personal choices by the way. Yet after an awful birth with my youngest that resulted in months of recovery from SPD and a bad tear, mil still took the opportunity to tell people how dh was doing 'too much' for me at home as well as his work. And that I should basically have got on with it.
You can't please everyone, and every sod will always have a fcuking issue with something in my experience. Be assertive with your mil, that's all I can advise.
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