AIBU to say no to DH taking DS for a few hours with no means of feeding him?

[WhyNotSmile]

DS (5 mo) has been sleeping really badly of late; last night he was up every 45 minutes (combination of teething, eczema, sleep regression and possibly a cold coming). He has always been mainly breastfed, but used to get 1 bottle of formula per night from DH. However, he's been refusing this for about a fortnight now, and just screams until I come and bf him. Obviously, this means I have to do all the night feeds, and I'm exhausted!

We go to PILs once per week (DH goes separately once a week as well). I suggested to DH that I would like to skip it this week, as I'm tired and could do with a rest (by the time DH gets home from work, there's only really 2 hours till bedtime starts, and they're filled with me doing laundry, having a shower, dinner etc, so I don't really get a break). So my suggestion was that we all skip the visit, DH can look after DS for an hour, and I can get a rest. DH has said no, he wants to go to his parents' house, and wants DS to go too. I asked how he planned to feed DS if he gets hungry, and he said "I'll take a bottle of formula, and if he's hungry enough, he'll take it".

I'm not convinced by this - DS has never yet refused a bottle and then come round to the idea. He usually cries and cries until he's sick. I think he'll whip himself into a frenzy, and by the time he gets home it'll take me so long to calm him that the rest will have been pointless. I also can't stand the thought of him being hungry and wondering why I'm not there, and being all confused and upset. He's not well at the moment, and has been extra clingy.

The visit would take about 2-3 hours. He's pretty much guaranteed to be hungry at some point. They only live 20 mins away, but I know that DH wouldn't come home early just because DS is screaming. I don't want him crying for me for that length of time.

The alternatives are that we go as normal, so I don't get a rest, or DH goes without us, so I still don't get a rest (unless DS happens to sleep) and DH is cross, or none of us go.

Am I being unreasonable to say that DH can't take DS with no means of feeding him? Or am I being too PFB about it all?

[MaybeDoctor]

YANBU, unless perhaps DS might take it if you are not around?

[EhricLovesTheBhrothers]

A bit pfb I think. Who gives him the bottle when you are at home? I think he will drink the formula if he's hungry and actually, it's probably time his father started being responsible for him on his own so he needs to learn to handle DS whatever happens.
I get that you're anxious about it but if it's a disaster it doesn't need to be repeated for a while. It's worth a go.

[NickiFury]

No, you're not being PFB at all. As hard as it is you're his food souce. He may well take the bottle but will be utterly desperate by the time he does. I had a bottle refuser as well. She never took a bottle in 14 months and I honestly wish now that I hadn't put her and myself through the stress of trying to get her to. I couldn't do this in a million years I would be desperate imagining my baby being hungry and me not with him to feed him. How can that be restful?

[pinkglitter80]

you could all go & you could go upstairs and rest there? then on hand in case?

[HearMyRoar]

Of he is really ill then they shouldn't go as it would be miserable for everyone. If he's not really that bad then just give him a really good feed before they go and agree with dh that they will be back in 2 hours.

He's not going to starve in 2 hours and you get a proper break with the house to yourself

[Surreyblah]

Yanbu. Is your DH on board with you continuing to bf? Would he really let DS get into that sort of state?

[GingerCuddleMonster]

you may find he takes a bottle without you around, I'd give it a go personally under the agreement of if baby refuses the bottle and is getting very upset he returns home, it's only 20mins away.

[FloJo151]

why cant your oh do the laundry and dinner if your doing bedtime?
ynbu if he's refusing the bottle already and you know by experience that he will just cry until he's sick. If he hadn't already been refusing a bottle I would have said go for it.

[monkeyfacegrace]

Sorry, I think you're being precious.

Let him go. It's 20 mins away, and for a couple of hours.

I'd snap his bloody arm off and sink into a nice warm bed, alone and in peace!

[Surreyblah]

Visiting the ILs weekly is a lot. Could they come to you sometimes, then you could have a sleep or whatever?

[MissHJ]

Could you not suggest your in laws come to you? Then you could rest upstairs and your oh could bring the baby to you when hungry. I know people say it's only a few hours but I would not like the idea of my child being hungry because my oh was not understanding and sounds a bit stubborn. If you go every week, it's no big deal to miss one week because you are tired. Your oh should get that.

[APlaceInTheWinter]

Is there a reason why you can't have a rest on a different night? Babies get grizzly quite a lot, if you let it keep you confined to the house then you'll end up spending more and more time at home. Maybe I'm wrong but it reads a bit as though you and your DH disagree about visiting the PILs so you're using the baby as an excuse to cut back a visit and your DH is refusing because it's not really about the baby.

As for the practicalities the PPs are right. Your DC might be more inclined to take a bottle if you aren't there or you could go to PILs and have a rest upstairs so you're nearby if your DC needs you. Honestly you'll be making your own life more difficult than it needs to be if a teething baby with a possible cold coming means you need to stay home.

[Skatingfastonthinice]

Have you tried expressed milk in a bottle?
I'd risk him taking your DS, it's only 20 minutes away and you need the rest.

[GingerCuddleMonster]

my grandmother once said something that stuck with me from when DS was first born "let him spend time with his father alone, not only will they bond, but DP will learn how much you actually do, nothing wakes a man up more than a few hours alone with a baby" .

[Mixtape]

YANBU, neither of mine would take a bottle, DS2 screamed for 2 hours solid when with my mum at that age and just refused. OP will not relax so saying to risk it and have a rest is a bit pointless. Her DH won't come home and 2/3 hours is a long time for a grumpy ebf baby. No one will enjoy the visit and OP is not being unreasonable to suggest skipping one weekly visit. In my opinion

[Chinateapots]

I think perhaps there's more at play here than the situation with ds and feeds.
Your husband visits his parents on his own once a week and on top of that you all visit once a week too???When you explained to your dh how tired you are and you'd perhaps like to skip this week...it appears he is reluctant to upset his parents by not visiting...
Classic case of having to establish your boundaries as wife and your hubby learning to prioritise your needs over his parents...

[LooksLikeImStuckHere]

I totally understand why you don't want him to go as he is unsettled at the moment but could you feed just before they go? That way your DS should be able to manage the whole visit without needing to feed?

[WhyNotSmile]

Thanks for the replies. I think maybe us all going and me sleeping at PILs could be a good option. I'm not sure whether DS would take the bottle if I'm not there; I'm not in the room at night when DH tries, though. We tried breast milk in the bottle before and that totally enraged him! He wouldn't touch it (and this was when he was happy to take the bottle of formula).

I'm not sure how much of a state DH would let him get into; in all honesty he'd probably hand him to MIL and let her try to deal with him! I know DH has to get used to handling the screaming; I'm just not sure that this is the best time to attempt it, with DS being out of sorts.

PILs can't come to us, no - there are other siblings involved, and the whole point is that everyone goes to Mum's on these given evenings. And I need the rest because I've now been awake almost all night for 2 nights in a row, and am really going to be dropping off my feet if it happens again tonight! (If I get a good sleep tonight, then the problem is solved as I'll not need a rest and will happily go to PILs).

[lougle]

I don't think it's unreasonable for a father to want to visit his parents with his child once per week

YANBU to think that he probably won't take the milk. At that age I took a youth group to a theme park, leaving 5 month old DD1 with my parents, expressed milk and 4 different types of bottle. She refused them all.

What worked for her was changing to a cup. She didn't like sucking a bottle teat but was happy to sip the milk.

[WhyNotSmile]

Ordinarily I would give him a good feed beforehand and expect him to be ok for a couple of hours, but the past couple of days he's been feeding a lot. I know it's partly for comfort as he's not feeling great, but still, he wants to feed!

[WhyNotSmile]

It could be worth trying a cup, I think... In a couple more weeks he'll be on solids, too, so that should be much more flexible. I expect his feeding pattern might even out a bit then as well. I'll maybe try him with a cup tomorrow and see what happens. If he won't take it from me, DH can give it a go.

[RiverTam]

well, it could be that this will be the occasion that he will take a bottle - the fact that you won't be there may actual help.

But to me more of an issue is that this weekly visit is so cast in stone that your DH won't contemplate not going. I can see something like that being an utter pain in the arse in the months and years to come.

[WhyNotSmile]

It's a bit of a pain in the butt for it to be cast in stone, yes, but I'm working on that! I've already negotiated him down from it being 4 evenings per week (including all of Sunday) to just the 2, so currently I'm just hanging in there. It's nice for his parents to see DS, anyway.

[BeeRayKay]

Would you or any other posters have a problem if it was giong to YOUR parents x2 a week? I hardly think it's excessive.

And personally you are being a bit pfb and martyr like. Rod for your own back, change of scenery for the baby will perk him no end.

[Blueblueblueblue]

Ok I feel your pain about the weekly visits we have those too.

However if they only live 20 mins away, let him go with the express condition that he brings him back if he won't settle after say 10mins.

Bear in him he won't take a bottle if Mummy is there and clearly a better option is available but he might take it if you aren't around.