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parenting low

(11 Posts)
cinemalovers Sun 11-Jan-15 12:24:29

DS is 18mo and not sleeping - the last 3 nights he has refusd to go to bed at 7.30 like normal, and has not gone down til midnight. He wakes at 6. He only naps in his buggy. Whenever he wakes up in the night he needs to be held back to sleep. Won't self settle. 80% of the time when I go in it just wakes him up more anyway. I know I have done everything wrong to get to this stage, but here we are.

The problem is that I can't take it anymore and keep on losing my temper with him at night. I am not particularly gentle, and sometimes have to put him down to go into another room and hit things. My tone of voice is strained. this morning I just broke down into howling crying and obivously so did he.

I can't go on and realize now I should never have become a parent. That sounds dramatic but really I am not coping with any of it - which is why he's such a bad sleeper to begin with. I have a difficult and demanding job, which I am failing at becuase of the lack of sleep. I have target related pay and I am missing targets so now we are in debt and I just don't know what to do. Nobody else can take him over night, DP has just started a new job (and we desperately need his income) and he already does 50%. I am just dreadful at this.

Sorry, not sure what I'm asking. I have no idea what to do next. I can't sleep myself because I dread waking up.

Chickz Sun 11-Jan-15 13:17:06

Poor you. This sounds really tough.
Have you tried any form of sleep training?

fishfingerSarnies Sun 11-Jan-15 13:37:02

Take a deep breath and remember that all mum's at some point feel like they shouldn't have become a parent and lose control in some way. Then take a step back maybe list the problems in the most basic way ie your ds doesn't self settle how can it be fixed?
At 18 months old he's old enough to understand bed time is bed time. You might have to be firm with him, no cuddling let him cio, check on him regularly but every time firmly say "there's nothing wrong, it's bed time, I love you see you in the morning etc" take yourself off down stairs and have a glass of wine at the ready.
Please don't be too hard on yourself maybe try sorting out a nap routine where he naps in his bed well then tackle night time. Have you thought about giving him some pools to look at in his bed or a couple of soft toys.
Stay strong it will be fine. Xxx

forwarding Sun 11-Jan-15 13:48:22

Please don't be so hard on yourself.

How do you know it's something you've done? He was probably always going to be a shit sleeper - some babies just are, and if you'd done the complete opposite, he would still be a shit sleeper!

Does he have a dummy? Favourite teddy? A music and light show thing? Do you leave music on? Door open? Do you stay with him when he goes off to sleep? When does he usually wake? Is he hungry, hot or cold or thirsty?

milkyman Sun 11-Jan-15 13:48:28

Sorry, this sounds awful. Lack of sleep takes away all perspective and patience. You are not alone in this. Tell us what you think you are/have done wrong. I found 18mths a very tricky age as they begin to assert themselves more.

strawberryshoes Sun 11-Jan-15 13:55:31

You are not a shit parent
You have done nothing wrong
Your DS is just a poor sleeper, some are (I'm looking at you DD1)
Sleep deprivation is clearly having a serious effect on you and needs solving, so tell us about his sleep routines (naps, bedtime, waking, how he needs you to get back to sleep, wakeup time etc) and maybe we can help

It can be solved, I am sure

Highlove Sun 11-Jan-15 14:08:49

Oh you poor thing - you're being very hard in yourself. If you're bothered enough to feel guilty for being a shit mum then it's very u likely that you really are. Sounds like you're just having a really tough time. I know it's expensive but could you find money for a sleep consultant? Have you tried any sleep training? My DD is littler than yours but still waS a shit sleeper. Never thought I'd do it but we did CC; didn't feel great about it but it very quickly transformed things and I've got a happier little one as a result.

Highlove Sun 11-Jan-15 14:09:29

Sorry - a badly placed typo in there - it's very UNlikely!

ch1134 Sun 11-Jan-15 19:29:07

Just to say that the part that stands out for me is the work stress as I totally relate to that. My baby has only just started sleeping through and I've been back at work for 4 months. I'm constantly exhausted and stressed. My job is also more responsibility than I want at the moment, and lots of extra hours outside of work, which means I work all day and all evening, and then don't sleep well.
Is there any way you can tackle the work problem so that the rest of life feels manageable? If your partner has just got a new job can you reduce your hours, or talk to work about the fact you're not meeting targets and need to reduce the level of responsibility, or need more support?

daydreaming123 Sun 11-Jan-15 19:39:30

Don't be so hard on yourself, you haven't done everything wrong at all. I have two DD, 10 and 5 ( in fact I've just written started another thread about the eldest, who's having sleep/ anxiety problems now ) and she was an absolute nightmare sleeper as a baby. I thought I was doing everything right, so it's really nothing you've done! But what did help, and I was lucky because my health visitor at the time was a sleep specialist, was consistent and careful sleep training. It was very hard at first, especially as, like you, I was in a very demanding job, but it worked. The health visitor called me every morning to check how the night had gone, and told me to keep going. My DH was on board with the sleep training too, which was a big help. Don't know if there's a a health centre/ health visitor in your area that you could contact? Or there's a great book called Save Our Sleep which is also good - gentle but effective sleep training ( not loads of unrealistic routines.)
It took 3 weeks to get my eldest to settle on her own and sleep through, but when she did I bought that health visitor a bouquet of flowers! Good luck smile

Queazy Sun 11-Jan-15 19:58:39

Lack of sleep is pure hell, and I can really empathise with you. Dd slept on me all night for 4 months from when she was 10 weeks old and very poorly. I used to have to rock her back to sleep standing up every 1.5hrs and it drove me insane. Sometimes I would be swearing under my breath (sometimes not) and I don't exactly think I was Mary Poppins either. I would 'wake up' depressed and sad that I could honestly do no more for that little person, but was sad at how angry I'd felt and been. I used control crying but I can appreciate your ds is older now. I just wanted to say the same as other posters though - you're not a bad parent, you love your lo but you're not a machine and you can't function on next to no sleep with work pressures. I think speaking to a HV could help - I think getting sleep right can help everything else. I was up two hours in the night with dd then up at 5am so by no means am I clear sailing now but, bar illness and teething, this little folk do need to self settle.

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