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bridesmaid duties with a newborn

(40 Posts)
jessicat1989 Sat 03-Jan-15 08:44:11

Hi all was hoping I could get some opinions on this.
A very close friend of mine got engaged in November and I'm super excited for her. She said initially that because of money the wedding would noway be before Sept 2016, to give plenty of planning time.
She's changed her mind and is set on a venue she's seen, for Sept 2015.
She's answer me to be a bridesmaid which I was of course really pleased about! But now she's moved the wedding forward a year I've got all these anxieties about what's to be expected of me. I am currently 20 weeks pregnant, due right at the end of May.

1) She speaks of buying out dresses from China off eBay and will measure us for them in late June/early July.. Now I'm a big girl anyway at a size 18 but surely I'm still going to be a completely different shape at this point? I'll have given birth little over 2-4 weeks ago potentially! I'm anxious when it arrives the dress won't fit or will look horrible.

2) The venue is over an hours drive away. She speaks of providing transport for guests but I'll have to drive because I can't gaurentee that with anxious newborn ill be up for staying till the end of the reception! She thinks that's unfair but with anxious baby little over 3 months old, we may not even be in a routine, and if we are I won't want to ruin that routine!

3) I'm going to be breastfeeding so that's a whole world of problems in itself. How will I feed every few hours in a well fitted BM dress ect ect

4) Hen party in August - she wants a full spa day followed by an Ann Summers party. How am I supposed to leave my 10 week old to go out all day long, espesh if I'm breastfeeding sad

I stared to mention some of my anxieties to her and one of the other bridesmaids told me it "shouldn't be a problem - she's your best friend" and to "shut up and use it as an opportunity to let my hair down"

I'm a first time Mum and none of these girls have kids. Are my anxieties justified or am I just being OTT? My Mum agrees with me, bit that's how they make me feel.

DreamingDiva13 Sat 03-Jan-15 08:51:07

I agree with you. Although it may be perfectly fine when the time comes for me I would bow out now citing that because of having a newborn I was worried I couldn't give being bridesmaid the undecided attention it needed so would prefer to attend as a guest rather than letting them down.
I foresee you may be in a no win situation with your group of friends though judging by their responses to you already.

Ikillpotplants Sat 03-Jan-15 08:57:39

It's tricky, because I hate rocking the boat, but I think you are right to worry about how it will work out and to want to bow out. For what it's worth, I attended family wedding when Dd1 was 3 months (not as bridesmaid but quite integral to wedding party), agreed to all kinds of things I wasn't comfortable with so as not to rock the boat (leaving Dd with nanny, her banned from ceremony etc) and am still enraged when I think about it now, 9 months on. Not entirely rational but who is with a 3 month old. I wish I had stuck to my guns about what I wanted or just not attended.

MistAndAWeepingRain Sat 03-Jan-15 09:03:01

Well the point is not whether she - or your mum - thinks you're being unreasonable but whether you think you will be able to cope. If you'd rather not do it, then bow out gracefully now so she has plenty of warning. And before the dresses are ordered! Tell her you'd love to be her bridesmaid but that you think her wedding day should be all about her and you'd hate to take the focus off her by worrying about your baby all day. Then say you're looking forward to attending as a guest.

WeAllHaveWings Sat 03-Jan-15 09:05:05

You are making the right decision to back out now. Tell the bride to be asap you are regrettably but politely declining to be her bridesmaid (without other friends present). If she is a good friend she will understand.

You may find with your friends attitudes you will drift away from them for a bit when your baby is born as your life's and expectations will be different.

SquidgyMummy Sat 03-Jan-15 09:08:01

sounds like she could turn into a bridezilla. close friendships work both ways, you should take a backseat and just enjoy being a guest. she shiuld understand.

sockmatcher Sat 03-Jan-15 09:12:14

Back out now. It will get worse!

Don't sabotage your breastfeeding journey worrying about what do do with a 12week old on her big day.
Dont put the stress on yourself having to loose weight to fit in a dress.
Hair and make up to not looked tired.

Drive to venue, take baby- make that non negotiable, book a night at the hotel so you have somewhere to go if you need a break with baby.

Offer to do a reading instead

PrincessOfChina Sat 03-Jan-15 09:12:50

Honestly? I was a bridesmaid at 4 months after giving birth. I had a dress in my normal size and it was fine (although admittedly the dresses weren't super structured). It was a child free wedding (except family) so we left DD at home with PIL.

I went on the hen do for 3 nights at 10 weeks after giving birth and it was lovely. DH got time with DD and I got some sleep!

So, what I'm saying is it'll probably be fine if you want to do it.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sat 03-Jan-15 09:12:51

I was a BM at this point post-partum, I skipped the hen do and took my friend out for a lovely lunch another time.

She made no demands on me for the day, I did the bits I could and got changed right after the photos into something I coukd BF in.

I would duck out tbh if you are being criticised for having reservations, that is the last thing you need. If she is a cow about it and you lose your friendship then she wasn't a good friend anyway, just a friend of circumstance.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sat 03-Jan-15 09:13:56

Princess the OP wants to BF, so your situation is no help to her.

sockmatcher Sat 03-Jan-15 09:14:35

BTW not wanting to express or leave your baby is absolutely fine. Normal parenting in my view!

caravanista13 Sat 03-Jan-15 09:15:45

I think you're right to be worried. It may be fine but you have no way of knowing what life with your newborn will be like - it can be stressful and this situation could really add to that stress. It may be hard for your childless friend/s to understand but you have to put yourself first here.

jessicat1989 Sat 03-Jan-15 09:16:29

Thanks ladies. Some have suggested expressing and bottle feeding and some even said suggest to have a breatreedint pouch put on the dress and offer to pay the extra then book a hotel room near the venue! Sadly I'm not made of money lol ;( I'm glad you agree because I don't wanna be seen as a bad friend or back out for all these reasons if it's just my own anxieties.

If she had left the wedding for 2016 I've no doubt I'd absolutely be her bridesmaid,I'm sure I'd be in a better place with a 15 month old! But really dont see how it will be feasibe with such a young baby

ToAvoidConversation Sat 03-Jan-15 09:19:37

She's not your best friend if she is acting like this! Personally, I would think about stepping down from bridesmaids duties. She can't force you to do this. Do it in a really nice way, make it really clear why you can't do it. You can't prioritise her needs at this time, etc.

SweepTheHalls Sat 03-Jan-15 09:19:37

I was a bridesmaid with a 3 week old smile. I had a dress 1size bigger, and we had a room in the hotel so I snuck off to each game I needed to feed DS2. It meant completely stripping the dress off for every feed, but worked fine! Is the reception at a hotel?

I was a bit anxious about it, but it all went really well. I did skip the hen do though!

jessicat1989 Sat 03-Jan-15 09:32:35

It is at a hotel but here are only 11 rooms in the whole hotel and it's very expensive sad

What makes all this worse is she has alot of family who are very elderly/very ill, who won't be able to travel that far and she's gone mad about it. Her Grandparents need three times a day visits as they are both housebound and with the venue being so far away it would be impossible for hem to get back to care for them in between ceremony/breakfast/reception so she already feel dead let down by them (altho I do kinda understand) so me having these problems too just makes it all worse!

SavoyCabbage Sat 03-Jan-15 09:35:27

I was my best friends bridesmaid three weeks after I gave birth. We lived in Southampton and the wedding was in Newcastle and it was in the winter so snowing.

I left dd with dh and she was totally fine. We ordered a dress two sizes bigger and pinned it a few days before. I didn't go to,the hen party.

ArchangelGallic Sat 03-Jan-15 09:39:57

She's annoyed about her elderly grandparents not being able to attend because of care needs?

What kind of selfish idiot is she?

fuckwitteryskitchenisfucked Sat 03-Jan-15 09:40:27

1). I was the size of a small house 2 weeks post birth, huge belly, hips massive (they widen to give birth) and bleeding and leaking milk. I just managed to leave the house to get a maternity bra fitted. I couldn't have faced a BM dress fitting.
2) I would have wanted to drive and have the option to leave if newborn had a melt down but actually at that age they do sleep out and about quite well.
3) you'll need a private room to flop your boobs out - and baby may want feeding at an inconvenient time. You may not have mastered expressing or the baby may not take a bottle at this stage.
4) I couldn't have left my exclusively breastfed babies for more than a couple of hours at 10 weeks.

I appreciate everyone is different but this is the reality of what might happen - I would have left my bottle fed 10 week old for a bit longer (but not overnight) and it would make attending the wedding easier but my two breastfed babies would have been a nightmare. I think you should explain your concerns and say you have spoken to experienced mums (mumsnet) and say there is a risk you'll let her down so best to bow out now..... Perhaps there is a more minor role you could take like doing a reading?

Orangeisthenewbanana Sat 03-Jan-15 09:40:29

Going by your last post, I am having less and less sympathy for the bride. She's angry because her elderly relatives who need a significant care package can't travel to her wedding??? hmm If it was that important to her, she should have picked a venue nearer to them, surely.

She is showing early warning signs of acute Bridezilla syndrome and will only get worse. I would bow out now, offer to take her out for a nice lunch in lieu of the hen do and re-evaluate your friendship with her based on her reaction. She sounds quite unpleasant tbh.

jessicat1989 Sat 03-Jan-15 09:48:23

I'm massively shocked by it all. She's not cross with her grandparents for not attending but she's cross that her family are saying "well how can we all travel so far leaving noone around to care for them for a full day" the only member of her family who drives has JUST gotten over cancer and may not be well enough to drive a 2/2.5 hr round trip three times to go there and back between venue/grandparents.

I'm certainly going to have a word with her about it all. I really won't feel comfortable leaving baby with anyone else at that age and my OH will be with me at the wedding. I'd like to think ill be able to exprss/bottle feed but then ill be massive and uncomfortable all day with full boobs!

Rockchick1984 Sat 03-Jan-15 09:49:08

Savoy were you breastfeeding? I had a very easy time of it breastfeeding DC2 (plus the experience of it being my second baby so everything was easier!) but couldn't has left her for a day so early on.

Jessicat I think in all honesty the biggest issue will be that you have no idea in advance if you will be able to do it, so if it were me I'd say no now. I was the first of my friends to have a baby and it was very difficult as they honestly had no clue how much it changes your life and priorities. Some of them have since had kids and have acknowledged to me that they were out of order with their attitudes / expectations.

Dollyemi Sat 03-Jan-15 09:50:42

If it's going to stress you out then tell her now you can't be bridesmaid (I'd be anxious about getting the dresses from China off the internet, my friend did this with her wedding dress and it was awful!). However, if you're wanting to be bridesmaid then you'll be in a breast feeding routine by the time baby is 10 weeks old and a couple of breast pads will stop any leaks (Lansinoh ones are best and shouldn't show through the dress). the hen do is do-able, buy a breast pump and you can express breast milk and fridge/freeze it for your dp to take over the feeding, you can even have some alcohol if the baby is having expressed milk, you can start expressing when baby is 6 weeks old, any earlier and it can interfere with your milk supply (you'd have to express milk and throw it away if you've been drinking). It can be done, but if it was me I'd be opting out of bridesmaid duties (I'm a bigger size than you so I share your dress anxiety!) and on the day I would stay at the venue if I could afford to, or very nearby.

MistAndAWeepingRain Sat 03-Jan-15 09:52:02

Tell her today and get it over with. If she goes mad because of your decision she doesn't sound like much of a friend TBH.

She's upset because her elderly and I'll relatives can't attend because of their care needs? Really?? Why didn't she choose a more accessible venue then? I like this bride less and less every time you post.

Orangeisthenewbanana Sat 03-Jan-15 09:55:05

Thanks for clarifying about the relatives OP, but it doesn't make her sound any better!

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