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Families need fathers

(81 Posts)
Sw66tP6a Fri 02-Jan-15 15:57:13

As the mother of sons, one of whom is a capable, loving and adored Daddy of two (aged 3 and 5), what are your thoughts on mothers who withdraw/limit access to him to "bank" nights to get maximum maintenance and the house?

Aliennation Fri 02-Jan-15 16:04:40

My thoughts are:

Most father's pay the minimum maintenance regardless.

Why is the father not being proactive re access.

If the father was 'hands off'/ not around much pre split then living with their primary carer is likely in the child's best interests.

What are your thoughts on the thousands of men who abandon their dc OP? Because that scenario is far more common.

BitchPeas Fri 02-Jan-15 16:11:10

As PP said.

I know far more feckless and irresponsible dead beat dads who want the glory but none of the hard work and responsibility who pay little/no or bare minimum Maintenance while bitching whining and begrudging.

I know of one mother who was calculating and spiteful. But IMO she was pushed to it by years and years of being treated like a skivvy and cheated on by a man who very quickly turned into the above.

StarOnTheTree Fri 02-Jan-15 16:16:05

My thoughts on this are equal to my thoughts on absent parents who insist on taking their DC overnight and do the minimum care possible so that they don't have to pay the required and often lacking amount of maintenance to support their children.

There are far more of them around IMO.

And if there is a reduction in maintenance then the NR parent should ensure that he/she pays for their percentage of everything. It's not enough just to feed them, there are clothes, shoes, school trips, presents for parties, etc. etc. etc. to consider too

Lweji Fri 02-Jan-15 16:17:06

Families need good fathers.

Crap fathers who are abusive or unreliable cause more damage than no fathers.

Lweji Fri 02-Jan-15 16:20:03

Legally I can't see how a good father would not be awarded 50-50 care if he wanted it.

HonestLie Fri 02-Jan-15 16:26:26

I would expect a good parent to fight for access if it was being limited.

Sw66tP6a Fri 02-Jan-15 17:15:25

Wow, what a lot of angry women! And I speak as a woman.

1. This father is doing everything possible that he can to get access, the system is stacked against him - hence my post.
2. I never mentioned a "hands-off" father, let alone "feckless", "irresponsible" fathers, Lweji - who spoke of "crap" fathers? (and why is this the default with women?). This is a good, pro-active, loving and very adored father of children who are too young to have a say in their access to him. He just doesn't happen to get on with their mother any more. And he left her after years of persecution, and not for another woman either.
3. This is a father who does not want to be non-resident. He respects the mother's place in the children's lives but wants his place respected too - for the children's sakes. Maintenance (which he pays in full) does not come into it.
4. Legally, the system is stacked against fathers.

My opinion is that families need fathers of all shapes and sizes. Afterall, who has ever heard of the perfect mother? Mother's and father's roles are complementary, children need both.

AuntieStella Fri 02-Jan-15 17:19:51

The information in the opening post was pretty general.

I don't see the answering posts as angry, but simply responding to what information was there, and answering the one question (which was essentially 'what do you think of a bunch of hypothetical women and their equally hypothetical motives'?)

The earlier posters could not answer for your DS's specific circumstances because you have only just added them.

JegHarMalingiMitHar Fri 02-Jan-15 17:20:55

my thoughts are that this is not the biggest problem wrt children who need fathers. More often than not the fathers take them selves out of the picture.

I restricted my x's access to the children only temporarily while he was angry and bitter. Luckily his anger and bitterness toward me are less than they once were. For six long years he paid not a cent of maintenance and yet he was never denied access. My story is not unusual. It is usual.

There are benefits to sons brought up in a female household, my son sees me assembling furniture, painting, taking out the rubbish, he sees me do everything and knows everything is under control. He's quite old to be a frozen fan (amongst other things) and I'm sure it's because there's no father around to tell him that frozen "is for girls".

LadySybilLikesSloeGin Fri 02-Jan-15 17:22:15

I'm assuming that your partner is wonderful and treats you and your children with the upmost respect and consideration? Maybe you need to take a look at the lone parent boards on here before you cast judgement and make assumptions about situations which you don't really know a lot about. In respect to your original question, the only people who suffer here are the children. It takes a very strong parent to look past their own anger and hurt to do what is right for their child, and not all parents can do this (mother and father). Father's do often use maintenance as a weapon against the mother.

Oh, and this is spot on;

Lweji Fri 02-Jan-15 16:17:06
Families need good fathers.

Crap fathers who are abusive or unreliable cause more damage than no fathers.

Bumply Fri 02-Jan-15 17:23:28

I have heard of cases like your son's, but my own experience is of a father that doesn't pay maintenance and sees his sons just a handful of times last year.
In the early days when I spoke to a solicitor he said the only power I had was the right to withhold access (Ex and I weren't married and sons were born before parental rights for non-married parents was automatic) which wasn't very helpful when I was trying to get him to be more involved.

JegHarMalingiMitHar Fri 02-Jan-15 17:24:18

I've yet to meet any mother (on liine or in rl) who denied her children access to their father just to suit themself. it is the other way around. mothers are sending children off to be with fathers who behaved very very very badly towards them and still do.

the romanticism needs to be taken out of it, the worst thing that can happen in a child's childhood is not to not have a father.

JegHarMalingiMitHar Fri 02-Jan-15 17:25:32

I am not angry. I'm happy and more to the point, more to your point my children are very happy too.

AnyFucker Fri 02-Jan-15 17:25:33

I think you are a Goady Fucker smile

JegHarMalingiMitHar Fri 02-Jan-15 17:27:50

ps, I didn't "get a house" confused

do you by any chance have a partner who is very bitter about having to pay maintenance?

JegHarMalingiMitHar Fri 02-Jan-15 17:28:21

lol, goady fucker ! yup.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Fri 02-Jan-15 17:30:42

I think if you have posted a picture of your grandchildren on your OP then you should ask for the thread to be deleted and find some other way to support your son...

IfNotNowThenWhen Fri 02-Jan-15 17:31:30

No court would deny a good father access, if he wanted it.
The courts look at what is best for the child. If father has genuinely been a 50 % hands on parent, and has been involved from day 1, there would have to be serious concerns about the man for him to be not allowed access.
Many men who have been abusive to their ex wives still get awarded access to their children as the courts deem it better for the child to have a father figure.
I disagree, but this is the case.
Whenever I hear a man complaining he can't see his kids I think that he isn't really trying, or that he has done something heinous to be denied access.
I have met scores of women who have been left holding the baby and receive no maintenence, and many who wish their ex wanted to see the dc more, but never met one who purposefully withheld contact.

LadySybilLikesSloeGin Fri 02-Jan-15 17:42:43

Ds's father moans that I never let him see ds. He lives abroad, doesn't phone, doesn't email, doesn't skype, comes to visit ds for an hour every 18 months in between the pub and visiting all of his mates. If we already have plans (he turns up at the drop of a hat and used to call the night before and demand access), he yells at me down the phone and orders me to drop any plans that ds and I may have. If I can't do this I'm told I'm a "bitch" who is stopping him from seeing his son. He stopped paying maintenance because he didn't think that I was grateful so I ended up taking him to court and he still owes me thousands in arrears. I've never stopped him from seeing ds, I've only asked that he make an effort to keep in touch with his son and to give me notice before he visits so we don't plan anything. This doesn't make me the bad person. I'm sorry that your son is having problems, but there's 2 sides to every story and it's possible that your son isn't telling you the other side.

Coyoacan Fri 02-Jan-15 17:54:08

My ex and I had a disagreement on the phone and I slammed it down on him. That was enough reason for him to not to get in touch with his dd for two years and tell people that I wasn't letting him see his daughter, even though I always made it clear that any disagreement between us would have no effect on his contact with her.

LadySybilLikesSloeGin Fri 02-Jan-15 17:56:37

Mine told ds not to contact him again until ds apologised for correcting one of his father's spellings in a facebook message. Nice move! hmm Ds hasn't seen him for over 4 years now.

JohnFarleysRuskin Fri 02-Jan-15 17:58:43

I do know cases where mothers have restricted access on a whim - at least they allowed access until a gf came along. I think it is awful.

I realise it is a minority problem though. There are far more cases of men disappearing and/or not paying. That is awful too.

LadySybilLikesSloeGin Fri 02-Jan-15 17:59:41

Both are awful, John. It's the child who suffers the most sad

CaptainHolt Fri 02-Jan-15 18:00:23

If maintenance doesn't come into then why mention it (and the house) in the OP?

The system is not stacked against father's. It is stacked towards maintaining the stays quo, as far as possible, for the children. This usually means the mother continues to be the primary carer. If father's want to fix this, then they need to do it themselves, not whine that they didn't do enough caring before the split to let them off the hook with maintenance after the split.

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