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Can't decide if I want another one.

(24 Posts)
mrsnec Thu 01-Jan-15 06:15:16

I know these threads have been done before and I have just read some but I feel my circumstances are slightly different.

DD is 3 months old. She took 5 years and an mc to conceive. I had a difficult pregnancy and birth.

dd is a beautiful baby, fairly calm good sleeper and feeder etc. dh has taken to fatherhood like a duck to water sometimes even too well. He's dropping hints he wants another one. We haven't had the chat yet. I want to be prepared and I'm not sure how I feel.

I'm 37, he's nearly 40. Practically we could do it, room in the house and cars etc. Financially he's already talking about taking on more work so we are more relaxed financially.

He was an only child and would have preferred not to have been. I have a sibling close in age who I have always had a hateful relationship with and this is my biggest reservation. I don't want dd to ever have to share anything or fight for my attention or compete with anyone like I had to. Also Dm, and Fil have opposite sex siblings with the same age gap as db and I and similar complex relationships.

Having said that, I couldn't bear to be childless if anything happened to dd. I know that sounds awful and definitely not the best reason why I should have another but when the expression 'an heir and a spare ' is used it makes sense to me.

Do I need to sort out my relationship with db before I even consider this or is it worth thinking positively that dd might need a sibling and they might get on brilliantly?

Also since we had trouble conceiving anyway there is a chance it won't happen anyway so there is part of me saying I should just let fate decide. What would you do?

HoggleHoggle Thu 01-Jan-15 06:21:17

What role did your parents play in your bad relationship with your db? Ie, did they make it worse? I'm guessing you would do everything you could to promote healthy relationships so from that pov I wouldn't let that stop me having another. That being said, I haven't been through what you have so understand it's easy for me to say this.

MrsJamin Thu 01-Jan-15 06:25:33

I think you should let fate decide from the point you are OK with the age gap if you feel immediately pregnant. I have to boys just over 2 years apart and I can't imagine one without the other, they are a proper duo. They are 4 & 6 now and are proper friends even though they do get into wrestling obviously! I'd say give it a chance.

MrsJamin Thu 01-Jan-15 06:26:17

That should say "fell"

Iggly Thu 01-Jan-15 06:29:20

Because you had a difficult sibling relationship, doesn't mean your children will too.....

I'm the opposite - great sibling relationship. And my two get on very well. We never wanted them to be alone (we both have lots of siblings) so had another. I didn't feel massively broody.

3 months seems quite early to decide though, I understand age is an issue though.

Iggly Thu 01-Jan-15 06:32:27

I should add - my two are a boy and a girl. And my closest sibling is my brother.

There's a book called "sibling without rivalry" which I've found useful. The best thing is not to pit one sibling against another. Also stand back and let them get on (stepping in to help when it gets feisty as it inevitably does at times!)

mrsnec Thu 01-Jan-15 06:39:03

I can't remember ever being close to db. Our relationship got worse though when my parents divorced and we were both going through our exams and were split between our parents.

At school he would avoid me and deny being related to me. I forgave him and even gave him somewhere to live when he was at university. There has been lots of other issues since but it all comes down to the fact he's never respected me. We've recently lost a big court case. (we were on the same side) it was so stressful he had a nervous breakdown over it but he insisted on taking control and I let him and he refused my help.

My dm is constantly trying to get us to play happy families. It's the same with my step siblings too. I can't have a conversation with her about anything without her making a comparison to the others.

I never got on with my dad. He died nearly 3 years ago. Db lived with him when my parents divorced.

Thanks for the advice so far. On various other issues I have previously said to dh that we could look to our parents for lessons in how not to do things!

HoggleHoggle Thu 01-Jan-15 06:42:04

Divorces do such terrible things to siblings parents divorced and me and my sister went through some competitive times definitely but very luckily, it ultimately brought us closer. Only once we were older though!

I guess you need to think about whether you might regret not having another. I think it's probably worth having the conversation with your dh sooner rather than later so you can see whether you're both on the same page.

Iggly Thu 01-Jan-15 06:45:36

You got married even though your parents divorced... So you could have another dc - basically a clumsy way of saying that in the former you believed you wouldn't repeat history.

Your db sounds immature and unable to handle the divorce at the time.

ArsenicFaceCream Thu 01-Jan-15 07:07:10

I don't want dd to ever have to share anything

That part jumps out as quite extreme. Sharing is a positive thing.

You then go on to talk about 'fighting for attention'. It depends what you mean, but constant, easy, undivided attention is by no means a good thing for a child, necessarily. A bit of space to go unnoticed sometimes can be very positive.

Have you thought about counselling? Your own sibling relationship does sound quite extreme/unusual.

mrsnec Thu 01-Jan-15 07:34:16

Iggly, that book sounds really interesting. Yes I felt we were pitted against each other from a very early age as my Dm was with her db and they had the same age gap. He was sent to private school and she wasn't because they didn't think she was bright enough.

I do still think the divorce effects both of us still. I know db took it badly at the time too because there were other children involved, one of which who is now dsb was in the same class as db but now db is closer to our step siblings than he is to me. He has had counselling. I haven't but I have tried to reach out to him and not got a response really. I know what went wrong in my parents marriage and I am constantly making sure it doesn't happen to us.

Perhaps I meant more that I don't want dd to want for anything rather than to share if that makes more sense but I'm very conscious that she has no cousins and I don't have any friends with children the same age. In fact dd has not had any interaction with any children at all so far but I'm going to join some local groups soon.

I know that dh had to entertain himself a lot as an only child but he was sent to boarding school very early and learnt very easily to make friends so if we don't have any more those are the values he can teach dd.

I am also worried about being pregnant again. I've been pregnant 3 times and each one was progressively worse in terms of sickness. I also had concerns with possible gd and pe and she was born by emcs but I don't want that to put me off either. Did you have easier births the next time round?

RonaldMcFartNuggets Thu 01-Jan-15 07:45:13

3 month old are a piece of piss, sleep loads etc. Wait until she's a toddler and see if you want another so quickly!

mrsnec Thu 01-Jan-15 08:08:23

Well I know she's easier now than she was as a newborn to the point that dh goes round telling everyone he doesn't know what all the fuss is about!

But I know what toddlerhood will be like and I don't know how people do it with a newborn. I certainly don't know how my mother coped.

But time isn't on my side. I didn't want to have dd past 35 really I know people do, but I hated being treated like a geriatric mother! and of course fertility might be a problem anyway.

ArsenicFaceCream Thu 01-Jan-15 08:16:56

You actually sound pretty sure that you don't want more.

RonaldMcFartNuggets Thu 01-Jan-15 08:20:25

You can have just one, there's no rules to this, only the pressure society puts on you.

My P wants more, I don't. Too bad. I do all the work with ds and it's flipping relentless - he's 2. I don't want to do this all again, it's very easy for men to say have another bit it's us that have to be pregnant, breastfeed, has a baby clinging onto us for months.

mrsnec Thu 01-Jan-15 08:22:35

That's interesting. It wasn't intentional. I would hate to deprive Dh of having another which is also an issue.

mrsnec Thu 01-Jan-15 08:27:04

The thing is, I stopped bf-ing after 10 days ish (a whole other thread). DH does the last feed of the night so I can sleep early and I do the first one in the morning but her bedtimes at the moment are similar to ours so I can't use that as a factor!

ArsenicFaceCream Thu 01-Jan-15 08:28:54

Is it a deprivation to not have a notional second when you already have a child?

How strongly does he feel about it?

ArsenicFaceCream Thu 01-Jan-15 08:32:00

You can legitimately invoke the fact that it is your womb/body that will be doing the work, though wink

mrsnec Thu 01-Jan-15 08:49:33

That's true. I was very poorly after my section. I should remind him of that. I'm not sure exactly how keen on the idea he is it's just hints at the moment. I know we need to have the big chat I just wanted to be clear where I am on the issue before we have it.

It might be selfish but dd was born a year to the day after my mc and I was 12 weeks so after I had dd I felt like I'd been pg for ages so at the very least I want to enjoy a summer without struggling with morning sickness. So I don't really even want to think about it for 6 months.

I think he's just decided it's easier than he thought it was going to be and therefore we could do it again. We have had a lot of help though and I would have to remind him I don't think people are as generous with time or money the second time round.

ArsenicFaceCream Thu 01-Jan-15 08:55:45

We have had a lot of help though and I would have to remind him I don't think people are as generous with time or money the second time round.

True. And she's only 3 months old, he has no idea how easy/hard parenting is yet.

Good luck with the conversation smile

mrsnec Thu 01-Jan-15 09:53:53

Thanks! That was just an assumption about help though. Sounds like I'm right.

Yes I agree about his perceptions of parenting. His two best pals are weekend dads with very questionable approaches and that's another thread too.

It's going to be an interesting conversation!

mrsnec Thu 01-Jan-15 14:27:14

Been thinking about this a bit more and a couple of other things crossed my mind.

About 6 weeks ago I packed up all my maternity clothes. They were going to go to the charity shop but never physically made it because a friend persuaded me to keep them a little longer. Some of dd's newborn stuff has gone though.

Also I keep seeing fb pics with people on their second and third with the announcement 'this completes our family ' and I think how can you be so definite? My family feels complete now but it might still be completed with another one it'd just be different.

ArsenicFaceCream Thu 01-Jan-15 14:33:02

Your DD is three months old, in many ways it's too soon to decide. Your hormones aren't even back to 'normal' yet.

OTOH, you are not 29 and time is an issue.

How about deliberately mentally shelving the whole issue until X date and then having 'the talk'? It's a good date for planning smile

Maybe either mid-year or this time next year?

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