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What are the chances of having 2 high needs babies?

(30 Posts)
Chickz Sun 28-Dec-14 21:02:28

I have a high needs dd who is 14 months old. Hard to put down, cries so much, won't go to anyone else apart from DH and nursery staff, screams if a stranger talks to her, wakes alot in the night, screams if I leave the room. For all you with high needs babies you will know where I am coming from.
Despite life being so very tough, I would like to have another and hopefully have a different experience. Dd is amazing in lots of ways but mostly like has been hell.
We haven't started trying yet - but I'd be petrified of having another high needs one and whether I could cope. I have had PND
So what do you think the chances are if having 2 high needs babies?

PterodactylTeaParty Sun 28-Dec-14 21:36:45

Wondering the same thing myself.

My mother had one high-needs baby (yours truly) followed by two non-high-needs babies, though, so there's hope!

Givemecaffeine21 Sun 28-Dec-14 21:53:58

My first - Easy. The baby everyone wants. Just chilled out, good sleeper, never fussed about things like going in the car.

My second - high needs.

I like to think there's hope that you just get one per 'set'. My DS has been hard work since the start and is still a right little screamer at 18 months. The HV told me it was just his personality as it had been going on so long...long past all the normal things we tend to label needy babies with like colic, reflux, allergies etc.

Love him as we do, he's a full on Drama King, and it's just who he is. He is the reason I have ear plugs for something like bath time! I encourage myself by saying he'll skip the terrible twos as he's been so hard between 0-18 months....but I think I may be kidding myself and I'll be that mum marching out of supermarkets with a toddler under one arm, trolley abandoned, daring anyone to say anything to me grin

hazeyjane Sun 28-Dec-14 21:55:15

All 3 of mine have been high needs at different times, for different reasons!

5madthings Sun 28-Dec-14 21:55:54

1st high needs.

2nd easier but still not what you would call an easy baby.

3rd high needs

4th easy baby

5th a bit of both, easy going but a Pita re feeding.

FiveHoursSleep Sun 28-Dec-14 21:59:19

I have 4, 1 easy ( the first) and 3 high needs.
I thought the 'goodness' of the first one was down to my superior parenting until I had the second.
I think you just have to assume you will get another high needs one.

weebarra Sun 28-Dec-14 21:59:32

First - high needs, breastfeeding was horrible, he was refluxy, didn't nap
Second - much more laid back, breastfed till two.
Third - high needs, didn't like being put down, getting easier now she is 16 months.

DramaAlpaca Sun 28-Dec-14 22:01:23

My first was a very high needs baby. The younger two were much more laid back.

Coffeemonster1 Sun 28-Dec-14 22:03:26

Following with interest. DD was a high needs baby, even from the day she was born she screamed, didn't sleep and didn't get any better until she was 18 months :/ would love another baby as I never experienced that sleepy, cuddly newborn stage, family never got those first cuddles etc couldn't go out and about with her even when tiny as she just wasn't settled ever. Interesting to see that there is hope lol

HolyDrinker Sun 28-Dec-14 22:04:32

DS (first dc) was a textbook Dr Sears high needs baby. There used to be a support thread on here that listed the characteristics in its OP and DS checked every single one.

DD (second baby) is a bit different but probably still would be classed as high needs. She slept a bit better at first, and would nap on her own when tiny. So at first I thought I had hit the easy baby jackpot. But as she has got older, her sleep has got worse and at 15mo is now as bad as her brother was. She also hates the car and buggy. She is, however, a bit less dependent on being in my arms every second of the day and always has been so maybe is a little easier in that respect. However, she currently spends most of her time scaling the furniture so needs my constant attention anyway!

HolyDrinker Sun 28-Dec-14 22:06:09

Oh and DD is far less dependent on the boob than DS was. She now rarely feeds during the day, and has been like this since well before her first birthday. DS, however, was always wanting to feed at her age.

CharlesRyder Sun 28-Dec-14 22:07:50

1st baby very intense, needed stimulating all the time, couldn't nap without massive input, didn't sleep at night.

He became a highly sensitive toddler. Then an obsessive pre-schooler.

Lovely 4 yr old. Still deeply in need of order and structure and attention. Doing brilliantly well at school despite being a summer born boy.

We are not having another.

Chickz Mon 29-Dec-14 08:59:23

Oh dear there is definately no guarantee then. I'd like to think after everything I've been through with dd that I wouldn't get another like her. I love her to pieces but she has ticked every of dr sears list of high needs babies. I have a friend who has had 3 easy babies and another friend who has had 2 easy babies. I feel so jealous of them. I thought high needs babies were quite rare, maybe 5-10% of babies that fit the dr sears description.

spideysenses Mon 29-Dec-14 09:05:41

Dc1 was very very high needs still not a great sleeper at age 6 confused dc2 very easy baby and dc3 a bit of a mix really but after dc1 I figured that we had survived the worst of it and could do it again with the expectation of another high needs baby

ElphabaTheGreen Mon 29-Dec-14 11:11:40

DS1 was another classic high-needs baby and DS2 is exactly the same, sorry! Difference being, I have every coping strategy and trick in the book under my belt now so it's actually a lot easier second time around. It's probably much more difficult for second/third/fourth-timers who have only had easy babies before. Since you've done it once, you'll know you can live through it again, and that it passes. Sort of. Eventually. grin

HoggleHoggle Mon 29-Dec-14 11:16:52

Am thinking the same - ds has been a baptism of fire and we will probably ttc again at some point this year. Am slightly worried we might just keep putting it off though as we are a little scarred from our first experience!
That being said, I have noticed a big difference now ds is 12 months so am trying to tell myself that it's only a year, it's only a year.

MyballsareSandy Mon 29-Dec-14 11:36:07

I think with a second, you just don't have the time to devote to their high needs, if that makes sense. With the first you have the time to respond to their crying and fussing when they are high needs, but with a second they do have to get on with it more.

Anyway, there's probably every chance that your second won't be high needs. Good luck.

Mine were fairly easy babies, but incredibly demanding, full on toddlers (twins).

Givemecaffeine21 Mon 29-Dec-14 15:39:59

Ha! That burns my theory of one per set utterly then :-) Perhaps I'll stop at two!

happy2bhomely Mon 29-Dec-14 15:49:17

We've had 5 high needs babies. I thought all babies were like it until my friends and family had babies that slept in cots and sat in bouncy chairs! Finally I feel like I can see light at the end of the tunnel. Youngest is 18 months now.

By 3 years old they have all transformed into relaxed independent children.

Rinkydinkypink Mon 29-Dec-14 15:50:47

I've got two! Didn't think there was anything other than high needs!

Chickz Mon 29-Dec-14 19:36:11

Thanks for your replies. I can't believe how many of us there are with high needs babies! It is tough isn't it.
Happy2bhomely - you have had 5. That sounds tough. Were they all bad sleepers, with lots of crying, hard to put down, clingy babies?

happy2bhomely Mon 29-Dec-14 21:06:15

Yep. All only ever slept on my chest until way past 1. To be fair, not lots of crying, because I carried them in slings, ate with them on my lap, went to the loo with them on my knee, co slept. Luckily they were all happy as long as they had physical contact all the time. DC4 wasn't put down for 16 months other than nappy changes. Seriously. Believe it or not, I would describe them as happy babies. They were very content when I didn't try to put them down!

Very very tough. I struggle to believe people when they say their baby naps for 2 hours after lunch, or goes to bed at 7. It just seems impossible!

They have all been extremely clingy, but I've followed what I now know is called 'attachment parenting', and it seems to have all worked out well in the end. Couldn't have been that bad if I went on to have 5!

Chickz Tue 30-Dec-14 09:49:06

Happy you have done so well. Whilst mine is a crying whingey baby for alot of the day I have been able to put her down sometimes.
There is just no guarantee and I don't know how I would cope with another baby who would potentially fuss and moan and cry much.
Will have to discuss with DH.
Thanks for all the replies its been really useful.

batgirl1984 Tue 30-Dec-14 10:33:05

My first fits the high needs description. My second had chronic reflux, was copiously sick after every feed til 6 months but actually after 8 weeks we got to grips with that, and his personality is very laid back / chilled out. If you are worried about struggling maybe consider a bigger gap - if your first has her 15 hours at nursery by the time the baby comes, it will give you a few hours 1-2-1 with the baby and give you a bit of breathing space that you wouldn't get with a 2 year old around 24\7. By 3 your big one might be a lot more independent - toilet trained, able to stick at an activity, perhaps dress self. Depending on your age and other circumstances you could even wait til she's in school - you don't have to have your children close together if you'd rather wait!

BotBotticelli Tue 30-Dec-14 21:20:58

Ha! Thanks for starting this thread Chickz <waves hello>.

I am now 10weeks pregnant with dc2 and am praying to all sorts of gods that we have an easier first 18months than we did with ds1...!

I figure that at least if it's terrible again we will know it has an end (for us, around 15 months things started to improve and now just after his second birthday DS is a wonder. He is still a real 'character' but he is funny, clever and affectionate and I wouldn't change him for the world.

If I could give birth to toddlers I would probably have 10 kids.

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