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sometimes I regret having number 2

(116 Posts)
whereisthewitch Sat 27-Dec-14 16:10:47

I don't know why I'm posting this, maybe for some sort of understanding from mums who have been in a similar frame of mind?
I have a 6 month old ds, I also have a 3 yo too. Ds has been a nightmare since the day he was born,(or conceived I had HG)reflux, low weight gain, velcro baby. He screamed for the first 4 months of his life until I stared weaning him which seemed to end the misery of reflux ( on advice from paediatriacian).
Anyway, he is such hard work, still up 2 or three times a night, fights every naptime and bedtime. Is pretty much a whingey baby who isn't getting enough sleep despite how hard we try to get him to sleep.
He is teething at the moment which has brought back the all day crying.

I just can't take anymore, he ruined Christmas day because he cried and whinged all day long, he wants constant undivided attention. If I hug my 3 yo he goes mad, if you take a toy off him, he goes mad. My 3 yo yells at him to be quiet, hardly surprising.

I wish I could go back in time and not have him, I love him but I wish he wasn't here 95% of the time. I have constant regret about ruining our lives and that of my 3yo who gets very little attention these days.

I had pnd with my 3 yo so I know it's not that, I genuinely wish he wasn't here, I don't wish him harm please understand that, but I wish we had stopped at one.

I feel terrible saying that, my poor poor boy it's not his fault. Please tell me if won't always feel like this, I can't bear it :-(

Wotsup Sat 27-Dec-14 16:34:46

You won't always feel like this.

Same feelings with my second but once I'd asked family for help to give me a few more breaks as I was knkd I got my head back.

I realised I loved both as much as each other but in different ways.

Both grew up to be lovely people I'm very proud of.

Can you ask for more help to get more sleep or time out?

OddBoots Sat 27-Dec-14 16:40:37

It can be a huge shock to the system to have two children, to have so many different needs to juggle but you're in the hardest bit now, it will get easier. Hang on in there and do your best. x

Stripylikeatiger Sat 27-Dec-14 16:50:10

It's still early days for us, my baby is only 3 months old and really he is an easy baby but the challenge of having to meet the needs of 2 small children has been the hardest thing I have ever done. I feel so terrible that my toddler has to stay inside and watch tv whilst I breastfeed when we are at home together.

I have in a very sleep deprived daze suggested we get dc2 adopted, my reasoning was that he'd go to a couple who wanted a baby and they'd have time and energy to look after him properly because I was a crap mum to both children sad

Things seem to be getting easier each day but a trip to the park alone with the 2 of them seems like a huge achievement at the moment whereas when dc1 was a baby we were here there and everywhere on outings and going to groups.

whereisthewitch Sat 27-Dec-14 16:50:50

Thankyou so much for your replies. I am lucky in that it have a very hands on dh but he works long hours and so really can only help at the weekends, my parents take my 3 yo once a week to give her some undivided attention, however I always seem to have ds as I think they can't cope with the way he is and that's understandable.
I feel so robbed yet again of enjoying my baby. PND robbed me the first time and now having such a miserable unhappy baby is doing it again. I love him beyond love, I adore him but I look at him alot of the time and just wish I hadn't brought him into the world to be so miserable. His little short life has just been one of pain since he was born (silent reflux and now teething badly).

I'm going to try and get a day away over the hols, I know he will be upset most of the day without me but I need a break. He's downstairs yelling his head off right now while DH tries to placate him.

It's so unfair, why couldn't I have had a lovely laid back little baby like everyone else around me seems to have!

whereisthewitch Sat 27-Dec-14 16:52:12

stripy in some of my more desperate moments I have wondered who is can ring to have him taken away blush

Tillytoes14 Sat 27-Dec-14 16:57:03

I remember wondering why the hell we had a second at one point. My husband was working 7-7.30 most weekdays and had to work some weekends too, I remember struggling to cook, contend with my other child (also the added guilt of thinking my oldest son wasn't getting enough stimulation and play time with me) whilst holding a crying baby. My second ds didn't sleep through the night until he was 9 months, he woke every hour and a half through the night until he reached 6 months, he wouldn't take a bottle of EBM to give me some relief either, it was very hard, I also didn't have much help from family. I was constantly sleep deprived, had headaches, felt depressed at times, but it does get better and I wouldn't change anything. Hope things get a little easier soon!

Poppet45 Sat 27-Dec-14 17:01:48

Op poor you and your poor baby. If he suffered with reflux its likely to have resurfaced with teething. I would look into cmpi - trial a dairy free formula and look at decent meds. At least ranitadine if not omeprazole. He's not doing this on purpose he's likely to be suffering and if you make it your mission to fight his corner you will be repaid a hundred times over.

Christmasbargainshopper Sat 27-Dec-14 17:07:10

I felt like this with my dc2. I think for me it was a mix of sleep deprivation and mild Pnd. I really feel for you as my dc2 was an easier baby than dc1, I just couldn't cope anyway.

Poppet45 Sat 27-Dec-14 17:08:13

I say this as someone who was determined to have that easy second child that just fits in but who had a baby born three months too soon, whose spent a good hundred days in hospital and who has racked up 60+ appointments with a whole cadre of different consultants, and who has the accolaide of career worst case of reflux from her gastro paed. At 3 she still cant eat quite a lot of foods: pulses, legumes, dairy soya and potatos. But shes a good weight and an utter delight and the chiefest joy in my life. But our lives before her reflux was managed were hell on earth. Hugs.

funkystars123 Sat 27-Dec-14 17:11:31

I have a dd who is now 6 and has always been high maintenance and was very similar to how you describe your ds. She cried non stop when She was a baby and was very, very clingy.. I to wished she would go to another family that could give her what she needs and also felt jealous of other families with calm relaxed babies... My son (now 8) has adhd and was also hard work as a baby in completely different ways. It was hard to adjust to and I really struggled with resenting other families that seemed so much calmer and less stressful... My husband always said it was silly because you don't know what is going on in other peoples lives and he is right but I did have to grieve for the family life I thought we would have and adjust to a different way.

I can't say it's got easier but we have got to know our children and how to parent them.. I know more now what stresses her out and how to avoid those situations as much as possible. I know when she really needs the attention and support and she is happy more than sad

Although she is high maintenance- she is also adorable and I love her with all my heart, she is bright, funny, crazy and beautifull! The other side of being so sensitive I guess and as with everything it has benefits and negatives...

We've just had a lovely christmas, some ups and downs but overall very happy and peaceful..

Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone xx

whereisthewitch Sat 27-Dec-14 17:11:34

I'm glad to hear that things can get better, I feel like a terrible person for wishing a wee baby away, and in his happy moments he is so sweet and fun.

poppet he had been on omeprozole but it ripped the stomach out of him so we went to ranitidine which he stopped getting a month or so ago, that's interesting to hear that teething might cause a recurrence of the reflux because I just said to DH today that he sounds reluxy again, gulping, swallowing, reluctance to take his bottle etc
I'll perhaps get a prescription for ranitidine to get him started again and see how he fares.

Such an unending battle with him, I'm truly weary .

pommedeterre Sat 27-Dec-14 17:13:03

He won't be a baby forever. Life will come back to you!

Dd2 was exactly the same. Now she is (generally) a lovely three year old.

I even had a dc3 three months ago so she really must have got a lot better just before two!

When she finally started sleeping everything suddenly got better. when I stoppped bf

ocelot41 Sat 27-Dec-14 17:18:51

I only have one DS and he had bad reflux. I must admit, I often regretted having him and those early months were incredibly tough. I can't imagine how tough it must be with two flowers

What I can say is that his personality totally changed once he was out of babyhood. He's now a sunny, fun, independent little soul. Omeprazole helped but mainly he just grew out of it, although he woke a lot in the night and was a seriously high needs, teary Velcro baby too.

So how your baby is now may not be a good predictor of how he will be when he is just a bit older. It is bloody tough now though isn't it? Oh you poor love, have a brew

whereisthewitch Sat 27-Dec-14 17:48:56

ocelot thankyou

Thankyou everyone flowers I think I just needed to hear that I won't always be so miserable, feel so ungrateful at times but it's hard not to be down in the dumps after the start he has had.

Again thankyou all x

Viviennemary Sat 27-Dec-14 17:52:14

I agree you won't always feel like this. It's a hard time of year managing tantrums and so on, I had it the other way round baby really good 4 year old in a permanent strop. But it was a lont time ago!!

ocelot41 Sat 27-Dec-14 17:55:32

Post any time you like witch. smile

TheOldestCat Sat 27-Dec-14 17:58:01

You definitely won't always feel like this. I frequently regretted having DC2 when he was smaller, but now he is 4 and the sunshine in my life, I can hardly remember the feeling that we'd made a mistake.

It's ok to feel like this though. It's tough!

Nervo Sat 27-Dec-14 18:04:03

The first 18 months of dc2's life were the hardest I've encountered so far.

Dh said more than a few times "why did we think having two was a good idea?" I would remind him that no 2 was his idea.

Anyway, once ds hit about 18 months life suddenly got a lot easier. My two are now 9 and 4 and truly adore each other.

It will get easier, I promise.

whereisthewitch Sat 27-Dec-14 18:05:53

I honestly don't know how people go on to have 3+

I have family members who are pregnant and they have acknowledged how difficult he is and keep saying "well hopefully we will have a good baby", comments like that don't help make me feel better it's not his fault poor pet.
We will get there, I know it, just a long road ahead.

ocelot41 Sat 27-Dec-14 18:42:41

It is good, in a way, that your family are acknowledging how hard going this is for you. I had a MIL who meant well but kept wittering on about how blissed out she had been when her DC were teeny. It made me feel so bad because I was HATING it. And some days I was just so angry with him, with having made the decision to have a baby, with the loss of my old life.

I remember hiding behind a tree in my local park when I was meant to be meeting other NCT mums at about the point you are at now. They were all sat in the sun playing happily with their babies and loving motherhood. And I had this screaming dervish - in fact, I can't remember who cried harder that day, me or him.

Each day with a refluxy, high needs baby is just so demanding, relentless and joyless. And then the night starts.

The one thing that comforted me is what my DSis said. I will pass it on in case ut helps you too.

She said that sometimes love is not a feeling, it is a decision. Every night you get up to comfort him, every time you do your best to respond even though you feel like running away, that is love. So you ARE a loving mother, even if you don't feel like you are.

My DSis went on to say: He wont remember any of this, but he will have a deep down security that his Mummy will always try to be there for him, no matter how hard it is. And that is SUCH an amazing thing to do for a child.

I don't think I believed her and asked her how she knew I was making any difference at all as all he did was howled, it seemed to make little difference when I picked him up. Now DSIs does a lot of fostering and she said something that really struck me, which was: ' if you want to know that what you are doing is making a difference, try listening to babies who have been neglected. They don't really cry, they just kind of whimper because in their tiny little hearts they have given up hope that anyone will come for them. Your baby howls and keeps howling because he is in pain and HE KNOWS YOU WILL COME. And when he is older, you will have such a close, deep bond because of that.'

And blow me down, she was right. Wise old bird, my DSis.

Sorry for the long post, hope that helped a little.

Genesgirl Sat 27-Dec-14 18:46:10

Oh Whereisthewitch I could have written your post five years ago this Christmas. Had DS1 and he was a dream baby from day one, even the midwife said he was a 'top shelf baby' slept, fed, hardly ever cried. Put it down to doing Hypnobirthing ha ha! Lulled into a false sense of security I had DS2 two years later. The ultimate Velcro baby, cried from the moment he was born, if he wasn't feeding, he was crying!!If I could have given him 'back' I would have. I truly fear your pain. Felt like I didn't sleep properly for about a year, (sure it wasn't that bad). He is now 5, and he was 'high maintenance' for the first year, and not the easiest toddler too to be fair. Now he is the most loving, well behaved, gorgeous little boy ever. How can I help? Just hang in there and take all the help you can even if you have to pay for it. Feel free to PM too, I truly do understand. Think a lot of mums may feel this but can't say it. I know I did. Much love to you :-) :-) xxx

Genesgirl Sat 27-Dec-14 18:49:18

Ps. As you say it honestly won't always feel like this, promise :-). You have reached out, that is good, keep doing it. It will help xxx

Alwaysinahurrynow Sat 27-Dec-14 18:56:46

Completely feel your pain. DS1 had awful reflux which didn't improve until he was weaned and he would only sleep in the pram during the day until he was 8 months and woke at least twice during the night until 9 months (slept through regularly from 15 mo). Some days I just wanted to cry all the time. Christmas was awful.

However and this is a big however, he is now the happiest, loveliest 2yo who is so much fun.

I've just had DS2 who is really easy and if it had been the other way round, I know it would have been a real shock with DS2.

All I can say is that it does get better and honestly all the hours of cuddlingly create an amazing bond.

nearlyreadyforstatelyhomes Sat 27-Dec-14 18:58:52

I haven't read all the replies so apologies if I'm repeating what's already been said....

DD1 is 3 and DD2 is 5 months. Everyone told me second babies are calmer, easier, more relaxed etc etc. Well she's not. She's wonderful but she's not specially easy!

I think with your first baby it's all such a novelty, even if it's hard, it's like a new adventure and you aren't beaten down at all then as you're new to the whole parenting malarkey. When no2 arrives it's not as fluffy or romantic.

DD2 hadn't slept for more than 4hrs straight and the last month or so she's been waking every 1.5hrs. So I'm tired and have low tolerance levels. Neither of mine have had reflux so I really feel for you having to deal with that on top of everything else.

Have you tried cranio osteopathy?

Hang in there. Things will change, you won't feel this way forever. You are doing a great job even if it doesn't feel like it. You can do this and you will get you back over time. Promise. Take it one day/hour at a time and best wishes for a happier 2015.

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