This might be long, but I don't want to drip-feed: I'm so worried, so I need to include all the info I can.
I'm a FTM with a very fractious nine-week-old DD and I'm so worried about my anxiety/anger levels, to the point that I'm starting to think she'd be better off without me. We had a traumatic birth, serious feeding issues (supply, tongue-tie, latching probs etc.), and I've had serious baby blues - I've spent most of her life in tears with one thing or another.
DD has silent reflux and colic, which we're treating with Aptamil Comfort, Infacol and Gaviscon, and she finds it difficult to poo (although she's not constipated), which usually means 12-24 hours of crying and refusing to settle before each BM.
The big issue, though, is the sleep/naps. I have no excuse for being as stressed as I am because she's pretty good at night, and she's with my husband, who's up working until about 4am anyway. She comes to me for BFing but then has a bottle after that with her dad as I don't produce enough milk. I get usually 6-8 hours broken sleep a night, which is more than most new mums, I think.
When it comes to settling, though, she's almost always needed a minimum of 90 minutes walking and rocking (and crying/fussing) before she'll drop off, and it frequently stretches to 5-6 hours if she gets hungry or, as often happens, she startles awake. The record of not settling so far is 13 hours, and that was yday. I was a nervous wreck by the time my DH got home; I had to hand baby to him and go and cry in another room.
I'm not really looking for advice on the sleep per se - we're trying a cross between PU/PD and shush-pat, which may or may not be working (she hates it but we've had some real progress with it, as well as some shitty, awful days).
What I'm really worried about is how angry I'm getting with her - I'm having palpitations, sweats, nightmares (not about her, just anxiety dreams), my OCD tendencies - which I got rid of 12 years ago - are back and I'm doing minor self-harm (biting, slapping, hair-pulling) which, again, I haven't done for years.
This is so hard to write, but I also verbally abuse my baby - telling her (not usually shouting, but occasionally raising my voice) to shut up, please shut up, please go to sleep, for fuck's sake etc. I've been less gentle with her, although I've never hurt/shaken her, but I feel so guilty, so ashamed, and so frightened that she's going to be traumatised and hate me. Her little face is so miserable when she's trying to go to sleep and can't; I know it's not her fault, and I love her dearly, but I'm so, so frightened that I'm just failing at this.
I desperately want to avoid being prescribed sth by the doctor, as I think it'd make my anxiety worse (I've had anxiety/depression for years) but I'm considering counselling. Does anyone have any words of advice at all?
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Angry with fractious baby
25 replies
Worriedabouttemper · 18/12/2014 10:53
OP posts:
MoreSnowPlease ·
22/12/2014 21:23
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