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id what happened to me effecting my attitude and can dd sense it

7 replies

frankiebuns · 15/12/2014 14:28

I dent want to go into detail but when I was a child I was abused from age of 8-12 I didn't tell anyone as the family was falling apart and couldn't take anymore. But I plucked up the courage to tell mum 2 years ago not the ideal Tesco car park. She sort of new but not the details and was horrified when I told her exactly what went on. She begged me not.to go to the police as the person involved had a mental breakdown and is permanently on anti depressants after it all stopped. And apparently they suffered enough. I have never had a sorry and I'm not eve sure they known I've said anything. I see them a lot and feel nervy around the person. My dd who is 5 months old screams and wriggles away from him every time he holds here they've not ben left alone so I know nothings gone on. But I'm wondering if she can sense my uneasiness around him. I dent want to take it further till parents are dead as my mum is fragile and cannot put her through it my dh. Knows what went on but not who. I'd only say when my parents are dead my dad has, no idea he'd fly off the handle of he jnew.

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MonstrousRatbag · 15/12/2014 15:44

I'm really sorry to hear about what happened to you.

All I can say is: put your DD and her safety and comfort first. That may or may not mean not being with the abuser, even with others present (I'd recommend she is never with him, even when others are there. It'd probably do you good not to see him either).

And put yourself next. Your mother seems to be all about what other people, including the abuser, want or need. What you do about this is not her decision to make, and she should not be imposing her opinion of who has suffered most or enough on you.

Your DH deserves to know who the abuser is-does he realise the abuser has had contact, including physical contact, with your DD? I really do think you have to tell him that.

Sadly it's quite common for family to want to sweep abuse within the family under the carpet. Why not contact NAPAC and see if you can find someone to help you work through this?

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Barbadosgirl · 15/12/2014 18:19

Fabulous advice here which I second. Best wishes and thoughts; what a terrible situation for you.

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frankiebuns · 15/12/2014 19:15

No he doesn't know at all I think a fight would break out if I did tell him and my dh could loose his job if they found out. The abuser Hasbro lens himself with boundaries and mental issues he thinks he's younger than he is! I know it's no excuse but apparently.it is! I'm tired of acting like it's ok he asks for a hug and I.freeze I want to share o yt? At him I dent think he's realised what affect.it's had on me!

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Gavlarrr · 16/12/2014 03:45

I would never let him hold your DD and would go out of my way to never see him to be honest. Or you need to tell everyone who he is and what he did because as you and DD get older it will only build up inside and get worse
He doesn't deserve to get away with that

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Coyoacan · 16/12/2014 03:55

Oh OP, that is just not on, you should not have to hug your abuser. I would be wonderful if you went to the police because god knows how many more children he has abused and could still abuse, but that is only a decision you can make, but nobody, not even your mother, should expect you to have to socialise with him.

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Stripylikeatiger · 16/12/2014 03:55

I'm sorry this happened to you and that you still have to see this person.

I really think you need to tell your dp at the very least. I don't mean to sound morbid, but what if something happened to you and you died in a sudden accident, if your dp didn't know who your abuser was the abuser could potentially step up to "help" and have access to your dd.