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struggling what to think

(6 Posts)
slightlyinsane Sun 07-Dec-14 01:38:42

I'm not sure if how I'm feeling is 'normal' or not.
I have 6 month old id twin girls. I had what I thought was a straight forward pregnancy with just one hiccup that resulted in an overnight stay in hospital.
The girls arrived of their own accord at 36+2, straight forward labour even with lots of bodies involved. They were born with 5 minutes between them, I was handed t2 after delivering her but she was soon removed from the room because they said there was something wrong with her breathing, I have no idea what, how long she was gone or what they had to do for her. When she was returned to me nothing was said and I wasn't thinking straight to ask. Not long after that the mw called a pead in to have a look at t1s genital area to check all was ok and it was just a matter of growing she needed to do. The Dr that came was in training, very very flipping hopeless and just pissed everyone in the room off. Once he'd gone the mw noticed t1 shuddering and a heel prick was done to check sugar levels. Yet another Dr came in to see her and told us her levels were low and needed a strict feeding routine to get them up.
We spent 3 days on a maternity ward with near enough every mw, hca, nursery nurse helping out with the feeding etc and the Dr appeared again to recheck bloods.
I lost count of the number of people who saw both twins. I asked or commented to many of them about the girls colour, it was mostly t2 as she was cherry red, not just newborn red, she was practically glowing, it was her tongue that struck me the most as that too was far too red. No one new what it was and one thought it was amusing.
We get to day 3 where they were going to discharge us after newborn checks. It was only then that one of the staff who had handled them noticed that t2 was jaundice and needed light therapy and bloods taken. I was woken up in the middle of the night by 2 drs with her blood results. She was severely jaundice and it was only at this point did they acknowledge that the girls may of had twin to twin transfusion syndrome. Her bilirubin levels were checked every couple of hrs as they kept increasing, they had to leave a cannula in as her blood was so thick they struggled to get any and when they did the Dr had to run to the lab in the hope it wouldn't of been past the point of testing. She missed a nicu stay by 1 point! While all this was going on t1 had to have her bloods done repeatedly as she was very anemic.
We finally made it home after clear head cts on day 7.
Since then I've done my research on ttts and have discovered which type they had.
This is where it all starts going a bit wrong with me, I am so very very lucky that my girls survived this, many die inutero because their hearts can't handle the stress and thickness of the blood or are born with major health complications.
There isn't a day goes by where this fact doesn't pop into my head and I end up all emotional and have a few tears (running down my cheeks as I type)
I'm angry with the hospital for not doing the correct checks whilst pregnant, I'm angry at the hospital for not giving it's staff enough training to spot that a deathly white twin and a glowing red twin is not a sign of healthy babies. I'm angry at the mw for taking my baby out of the room and notsaying anything to me, I'm angry at the drs who saw my babies in the first couple of days and didn't notice anything was wrong.
I'm angry with myself for been to wrapped up in other crap whilst pregnant that I put my trust in the antenatal consultants and presumed they new best. I should have done my research and fought for my babies to have the correct tests fortnightly,I am angry I didn't push for more info when the size difference between them increased, I should have pushed more when I didn't trust one drs measurements and trusted my instincts every time she did them subsequently. I feel I've let my girls down badly and they so nearly paid the price.
My dh thinks i might have pnd but I'm not sure it's that or something else, some days I look at my girls and cry because im so happy and lucky to have them and other times I'm so sorry for letting them down. Isit normal to feel this way?
Has anyone benefited from getting hospital notes to have a debrief?
I don't know which way to go anymore.

slightlyinsane Sun 07-Dec-14 01:39:30

Crikey that's really long, if you made it to the end thanks!

anothernumberone Sun 07-Dec-14 02:00:19

Hi slightly insane that sounds absolutely awful. Have you considered going back to the hospital for a full debrief and to try to get a handle on the events as they unfolded. I think you might be looking at post traumatic stress because what you went through sounds horrendous. I would guess that by being reassured that the hospital at least learned from the situation they faced it might help you to feel a bit better. I think though you will need at least some counselling to deal with your own experience because anyone's nerves would be shot after that experience.

slightlyinsane Sun 07-Dec-14 10:41:04

Thanks for replying, I have been thinking about having a debrief with the hospital. I have gone from would like to know to needing to know about some of the things that happened and I'm beginning to think that this feeling won't go away until I've done this.
Thank you for taking the time to read my novel, I hadn't realised it was so long and was a catalogue of events that were bothering me

MrsCK Sun 07-Dec-14 12:42:00

I have heard that debriefing can be wonderful to fully understand what happened and why. I would advise doing it but taking with you your thoughts and questions so you get everything covered.

It does sound like a trip to your gp might help too to just in case it is pnd or ptsd.

The thing is though you did what you thought best at the time with the information you had. If you had thought differently you may have done something differently but these are all massive ifs. Any mum to be is going to do the best she can at that moment and please know that from your post i honestly believe you did the best you could for those two girls at the time. They are lucky to have you as a mummy

ch1134 Sun 07-Dec-14 22:53:31

You must get some help so you can stop being angry. You deserve not to live in anger. Please contact a hv and let them know how you feel. Your post made me cry! Congratulations on your twins and all the best.

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