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Is it really a help to have dp/dh ared post birth?

(28 Posts)
Mrsgrumble Sat 29-Nov-14 15:17:58

Dh is taking a good few weeks off but today it's been harder the him around. He woke up with a sor throat. We have a one year old also.

So I got baby up, dressed, then ten mins later dirty nappy, fed. I woke dh at half ten as I have errands to run (39 weeks pg). So I get back to the house, dh reheated a dinner I made, house is a bomb. Dh is mopping about th a long face (Saturdays he usually slopes up to his mothers for dinner and relaxes for the day but I have started to do my own thing sat Mornings as was very resentful)

No washing sorted, kitchen in a tip 'what will I eat ?' Grrrrrr.......

Baby not put down for nap so was crying.

I picked up baby, sorted bottle and down for a nap but now I am raging. What bloody use is he to me. None. A month of this carry on I will be up the walls ..

Preganancy related hormone rant over.

OH YES, to top it off his mother will think he is so good for looking after me at this stage of pregnancy. Fuck sake.

Mrsgrumble Sat 29-Nov-14 15:18:28

Title meant good to have around.

naturalbaby Sat 29-Nov-14 15:23:45

I couldn't wait for DH to get back to work and didn't particularly want 'help' round the house.
Nope, the only help I needed was the kids entertaining long enough for me to get myself sorted and the house sorted. Having extra adults in the house made me feel responsible for them too which I really didn't need.

JassyRadlett Sat 29-Nov-14 15:27:26

Mine was invaluable post birth, but then our marriage has always been a partnership and he doesn't treat me like a skivvy.

What does yours actually contribute?

Mrsgrumble Sat 29-Nov-14 15:27:57

I think I am go to send him out a lot of days. Also cooking for himself is a joke because he makes more mess and never knows what to cook dc anyway. Luckily I no longer iron for him. God, I sound like a big moaner, but he is no good to me acting like this.

itsbetterthanabox Sat 29-Nov-14 15:28:23

Why isn't he cleaning or getting the baby up? Tell him to feed himself and clean the kitchen. Sort it don't just wish him away he needs to learn to be a grown up.

Kundry Sat 29-Nov-14 15:32:07

You don't sound like a big moaner. However your DH does sound like a sperm donor rather than a father.

I think I would have lost it with him big style months ago.

HazleNutt Sat 29-Nov-14 15:33:35

yes - he did everything, I just sat on the sofa, feeding and cuddling. I'm not sure I would want your DH around though, he sounds more like a toddler.

Mrsgrumble Sat 29-Nov-14 15:35:54

Is is good once baby gets not bottle but I have had to do a lot of work to get him to sort himself out.

He was very spoilt by his mother - home baking and washing etc (brought it over to her) and I did that for a long time. I have gone up to bed to get away from him after telling him baby needs a routine, house is a disgrace and he's useless blush

He will mope around and do all now but only because I got into a state about it.

I work full time and when I am at works he is much better.

Jenijena Sat 29-Nov-14 15:35:57

It's really a help to have a DH around. Another overgrown child, not so much.

Mrsgrumble Sat 29-Nov-14 16:52:53

He can be good at times. I think I will need strategies. I have cooked lots for the freezer, so that solves that. Sorting online shopping.

Think I will be ok, just pissed off today.

susannahmoodie Sat 29-Nov-14 17:09:39

Mind did everything, cooking, cleaning, childcare second time round while I rested, fed babies and slept.

Your dh sounds as if he has never grown up. I couldn't be in a relationship with an overgrown child.

Mrsgrumble Sat 29-Nov-14 18:03:46

Okay so I thought dh was downstairs cleaning and I had a lie down. Baby woke so I brought him down and gave him his evening meal, dh was on the sofa, nothing done. Washing everywhere then asks what was I thinking of doing for dinner, I gave him a look and then he asks why am I in a mood.

I don't want to go into labour saving fallen put with him so I am upstairs folding washing.

I have spoilt him and its my own fault. sad

Might go somewhere on my own for the day tomorrow.

HazleNutt Sat 29-Nov-14 18:08:40

so what does he actually do?

And looks are not enough, you really need to spell it out for him. At 39 weeks, he should already be doing most stuff (and give you foot rubs in between), not demanding his dinner.

clam Sat 29-Nov-14 18:14:31

Tell him you're not thinking of doing anything for dinner, so either he sorts it and clears up after himself or he orders in a takeaway.

bunchoffives Sat 29-Nov-14 18:27:28

Just talk to him properly OP. Make a list of all the things that need doing so that he realises fully and them ask him to tick off the ones he's done as he does them so that you both know what's left.

Also, do go out and leave him with the DC regularly so that he gets used to coping. No good you being an expert and exhausted and him being a novice and wondering what the problem is.

JassyRadlett Sat 29-Nov-14 19:07:53

Oh OP, poor you. Definitely go somewhere by yourself for the day tomorrow and tell him that you expect not to have to do the housework or cooking when you get home.

Bloody hell, at 39 weeks and until my DS was about 8 weeks old DH did pretty much everything. My job was to incubate, give birth, then keep the baby alive. That was it.

Can you have a really calm discussion with him at some point, or if you're calm does it just sail over his head?

Mrsgrumble Sat 29-Nov-14 20:34:00

He thinks I am in a mood, he can't figure out why I'm not overly friendly

I have to say we rarely argue or row but this takes the biscuit.

It took a lot to actually make him realise ths is the modern era. Now, he can be good any when I am working he gets the baby up and dressed and always does the last change and feed. So I know he's not the worst.

I'm just disappointed in him. Also no one has helped me at all except two good friends who have been good to me to week and I am so grateful.

I am looking forward to being in hospital. I am sick of my mother looking for favours and Dh looking for dinner. sad

I can't discuss it with him tonight's he gets all defensiveness and 'what do you want me to do women?' His brother is the same and thinks he's amazing for doing any little job.

EmbarrassedPossessed Sat 29-Nov-14 20:54:48

Just because he isn't the worst person around the home doesn't mean what he's doing is acceptable! I can't believe that he's off work when you're 39 weeks pregnant and with a 1 yr old, and he's not doing anything around the house! He should be looking after you and your 1 yr old so that you can relax at the end of your pregnancy before you give birth. Expecting you to cook for him is a bloody cheek.

itsbetterthanabox Sat 29-Nov-14 21:16:34

He thinks doing things around the house makes him a woman?hmm
Wow that is shocking.
Don't make him food. If baby cries leave him to do it. It's not relevant that his mum did his washing he is an adult.

Mrsgrumble Sat 29-Nov-14 21:22:14

I am definitely going out tomorrow to Christmas markets or somewhere. I will take our baby with me as otherwise he will act like some kind of martyr and wouldn't know what to cook or anything except pasta and jar of sauce.

Also he can go to his parents and cough and complain about his sore throat there. I've gone to bed as sick of him asking me et could he get in the shop for his throat. I couldn't care less.

Feel horrible for saying that but that's how I feel.

ArchangelGallic Sat 29-Nov-14 21:31:24

DP had a bit of hangover and a cold today.
I'm about 6 months pregnant with pgp and I slept really badly last night.
DP made breakfast for us and friends who stayed last night, washed up and helped look after DD. He then cooked dinner while I had a nap.
Not because he's a martyr but because we're partners and look after each other.

Can I suggest you sit down with your DH and in a non judgemental way, try to explain why you need the help and what you need him to do? Don't let it fester until you resent him. If he's not had to do things himself, he might just not be confident doing things. Perhaps you could get a small repertoire of easy meals he could cook or make a list of jobs that need doing daily and weekly.

ImBrian Sun 30-Nov-14 10:41:00

Op your dh sounds like he's cut from the same cloth as mine. Two week old baby, I'm doing all the night feeds and whilst he's been on paternity leave I've had two lie ins. He on the other hand is still in bed now while I've been up since 6 dealing with our 3 year old and sorting baby/house etc.

He does DIY and contributes financially but that's it, even when were both working full time I do every thing.

At some point the relationship will end but I can't afford to be single if I want to have maternity leave so I'm stuck putting up with the lazy bastard.

JackieOLantern Sun 30-Nov-14 14:21:56

It all depends on the DH - if he's not a man-child then, yes, having him around will be useful. A partner lijr yours, however, would be just annoying rather than helpful to have around.

My DH has taken 4 weeks off for the birth of our DD and it has been a lifesaver for me. He has cooked, cleaned the house top to bottom, looked afte our 3 year old and so on. It has meant that I only need to take care of the baby most of the time. Having said that, what he is doing now is just what I was doing up until I had DD so when he complains about being tired I am hmm as he hasn't got up with baby once as I'm breastfeeding so he has had his solid 8 hours sleep or more every night. So when he complains, I do want to roll my eyes and say 'try doing all that while you're 9 months pregnant'!

But anyway, having the help has been great even if it comes with a big dose of man-flu style complaining. A partner like yours who does all the complaining and nothing to help would tip me over the edge. And why take the baby out with you tomorrow? Leave him with her, no matter how he complains. How else is he going to learn?

Artandco Sun 30-Nov-14 14:31:05

Wow! You need to have a long talk surely. He sounds more work than your child. Why can't he learn to cook? How has he gone this long without needing to

In comparison at 39 weeks we also had 15 month old. Dh would cook for everyone, was making soup to freeze, did virtually everything for eldest, and brought me food and drink in bed. Once second baby born he was invaluable at home.

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