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DD only one not invited to a party

(85 Posts)
benandhollyonrepeat Mon 17-Nov-14 13:05:47

DD is in reception and there are only 8 girls in the class, one girl has just had a b'day party and only invited the girls from the class (not the boys), all the girls that is apart from my DD....it turns out that she was the only one not invited. I just wouldn't do this if it was my DD's party as I would be worried the one left out would be upset and I wouldn't want one child to feel upset and left out. I really want to ask the mother why she did it and if there is a problem between my DD and hers - do you think it's ok to ask this or should I just leave it. I feel so hurt and upset for my DD.

scratchandsniff Mon 17-Nov-14 13:09:35

Gosh that's really tough and I'd feel completely feel the same as you. I'm not sure I'd say anything, but if she seems to be specifically excluded again I would bring it up. I couldnt exclude one child like that. I'm not sure what you could say to your DD to make her feel better. Maybe that the girls parents thought you were out that day so didn't ask.

Nevercan Mon 17-Nov-14 13:12:33

I would ask in a friendly way to see why

dotty2 Mon 17-Nov-14 13:17:49

I would never knowingly do this, but I did once do something similar by accident (felt mortified afterwards when I realised), so it could just be an oversight. I'd advise just to let it go, and don't mention it and make sure your DD has something else lovely to do on the day (if she's aware of it). As she gets older, there will be parties she would like to have been invited to where she's not, unfortunately - people start doing things with smaller groups, more definite friendships form etc. So it's good to frame it as 'sometimes people can't invite everyone, remember you didn't invite x to your party, it doesn't mean too much' and downplay it all a bit - even if you're upset about it (which is understandable).

BackforGood Mon 17-Nov-14 13:29:10

I know this is a favourite MN thread, but I just don't understand how you would know any of this stuff.
I know if any of my dc are invited to a party, but I've never taken any notice of who else is going where at weekends or after school or whatever - it's just not any of my business, and, quite frankly, has never come up on my radar.

It is quite feasible though that either the parent made a mistake and didn't realise your dd was in the class, or, more likely that there are only 8 girls in the class and she invited 7 or them - my dc were always asked for a list of the 6 (or whatever) people they wanted to invite - there'd be no analysis of who that meant wasn't invited. Or, of course, that the invitation got lost along the way somewhere.

benandhollyonrepeat Mon 17-Nov-14 14:35:36

backforgood - If there is a class of 8 and she was told to invite 7, then this is obviously going to make the one who is left out feel terrible. I wouldn't want a child to feel this way and I certainly wouldn't want my DD to intentionally make another child feel this way - So I don't agree that this is ok behaviour fro the mother or the child. I would want to teach my child to have some empathy and understand how her actions would make other feel and excluding just one child is not kind. I also know who went to the party as I know the other mothers who have told me who was at the party.
Dotty2 - Yes I agree I think this is a good way to handle it. I agree as they get older they start to have smaller parties which is fine as then say just 5 of the class are invited and the other 25 aren't, this isn't singling one person out but just focusing on closer friendships that have developed.

BackforGood Mon 17-Nov-14 15:08:49

I'm not disagreeing with the principle of not leaving out one person, my point is, I wouldn't necessarily know there were 8 girls in the class. My dc have all also invited boys and girls to their parties, so again, it would just be a proportion of the class.

benandhollyonrepeat Mon 17-Nov-14 17:43:10

It just feels very mean to have them all but my DD to the party - I really feel like to I want to ask why and explain to her that she has upset my DD but I guess this isn't really going to get me anywhere.

Buttercupup Mon 17-Nov-14 17:52:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ScrambledEggAndToast Mon 17-Nov-14 19:23:22

I have had a similar situation with DS. In his case a set of twins who lived directly opposite us had their party and invited loads of people DS knew. DS could see the party going on and kept asking to go and I felt so sad for him, I took him out in the end. It's awful when it happens to your child, is there anyway you could speak to the birthday child's mum?

benandhollyonrepeat Mon 17-Nov-14 21:53:00

I could speak to her and ask why but not really sure how to say it without it sounding a bit confrontational, I feel like I need to say something to stand up for my DD as buttercupup says.

Pippidoeswhatshewants Mon 17-Nov-14 21:58:53

I can understand that you feel hurt about this, but you cannot force people to invite your dd when they don't want to!
If your dd noticed and is upset I would simply say that not everybody was invited. Don't make a big deal out of it, it will not be received well.

GoodboyBindleFeatherstone Mon 17-Nov-14 22:07:23

It's possible that your DD doesn't get on with the birthday girl, or has upset the her in some way.

Put in to context - a friend of mine questioned why her daughter hadn't been invited to a particular party and heard a lot of unpleasant things.

I know we all think it's not true of our children, but it's always a possibility.

hippo123 Mon 17-Nov-14 22:57:53

Do you normally chat to the mum? If so I think I would mention it in a 'I hear your dd is having a party, I understand not everyone can come, I hope she has a lovely time' type way. That way if she has just forgotten to invite your dd, or it's tucked away in her bag somewhere, you'll know by her reaction. Equally if she has just not invited her, which I'd pretty mean really, you may find out why.

Viewofthehills Tue 18-Nov-14 07:03:26

Is it possible the invitation has been lost on the way home?
I know that's happened to mine in the past and than the Mum is offended we haven't replied....
But in reception, when they're all still getting to know each other I think I would make the teacher aware.

EugenesAxe Tue 18-Nov-14 07:21:10

I would get a mutual friend to ask, or I'd share your worries with the teacher and see if she can uncover any back story. I agree that asking yourself would sound confrontational and make things awkward.

Having said that, I think if there was ever a situation when you were out socially with the mum and having relaxed conversation then it would probably be easier to broach in a gentle way. I think if you wandered over to her specifically at the school gates then however you phrased it there would be weirdness.

buyryte Tue 18-Nov-14 07:29:32

Did the others all come from the same nursery or is your daughter and you less known to them for some reason?

hoobypickypicky Tue 18-Nov-14 07:50:42

"I think I would make the teacher aware." - Viewofthehills

Why? (That's a genuine question - why would you do that?)

The people who are saying "ask the parent", would you be able to deal with it and how would you deal with it if far from being embarrassed the mum or dad thinks you rather rude and effectively tells you it's up to them who they invite to their house/function?

JustAShopGirl Tue 18-Nov-14 08:04:44

They are in reception, it is a getting to know who is in the class, who each child likes etc... mum probably had 8 as her number - her child + 7 - ok it is not fair in your eyes that your child was missed out but child probably just told her mum her friends in order - each child probably has a different order.

Invite whoever to your DD's next birthday - I'm guessing she hasn't had her first one at school yet. Rather than seeing it as some sort of slight try letting it go, have kids round for tea.

We have all felt hurt for our kids for one reason or other - but the party has passed, let the emotional crap pass too.

IDontDoIroning Tue 18-Nov-14 08:04:59

It could be an oversight or mistake or be that the parents have said you can have x number of children and don't know this leaves your daughter out.
It could be at its deliberate though they could have had a falling out in school or maybe aren't that friendly.
Don't say anything to the parent - you will come across as needy or rude and you may not be happy with the response you receive.

It's disappointing for your child but in life you have to cope with disappointments and it's better to say oh never mind we will do xyz instead and forget about it.

outtolunchagain Tue 18-Nov-14 08:05:58

I would make the teacher aware because a lot of reception is about social skills etc and she needs to be aware if one child is being left out .Maybe there is little to be done directly but some circle time chats about friendships and how it feels to be left out etc may be helpful to avoid future problems

zzzzz Tue 18-Nov-14 08:08:41

Ask one of the other Mums to find out if there's been a problem.

Yackity Tue 18-Nov-14 08:10:17

For those wondering how the OP knows who us going, In a small school you will know exactly who is in a class, and who is and isn't invited to a party. It just happens.

Yackity Tue 18-Nov-14 08:12:20

If it were me, Op, I wouldn't ask the parent directly, but I would ask another friendly parent, so via a trusted 3rd party to make sure there is no confrontation, and i would probably mention it to the teacher to make sure its not an indication if bigger group dynamic problems.

benandhollyonrepeat Tue 18-Nov-14 08:14:44

I would really like to make the mother aware just how mean I think this is but I also agree it is difficult to voice without it being difficult or awkward afterwards. Part of me thinks, who cares if she is embarrassed, she wasn't worried about how my DD was going to feel so I shouldn't care if she is awkward, but in reality I don't want to have this becoming an issue in the playground etc for me and her.
I know it wasn't a mistake that she was missed off or the invite was lost etc as when another mother spoke about the party in front of me the b'day mum looked really awkward and make some mumbled excuse about it being a little party and then left.
i think I am struggling with this as it's awful to see your child hurt and excluded and also I would NEVER have let my children behave in this way to any other child, whatever has gone on at school etc.

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