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hacked off with attitude

(13 Posts)
frankiebuns Sat 15-Nov-14 13:18:44

I have 2 dc ds who is 4 who has hfa and dd who is 12 weeks. We are currently living with my parents as our house is having major renovations. My ds hero worships my brother who's in his late 30's and before dd was born my bro came out with the speech that for my ds sake he wasn't going to go to soppy over dd which was fine and he'd play with my ds to keep the routine etc my ds gets obsessional but my brother is totally ignoring my ds and my ds can't understand why I asked my bro and he said he's getting bored playing the same things over and over and now takes it upon himselfr to use my dd as a doll and scaring her witless she hates him And I've had to leave her with him for 20 mins and she was screaming so Much she made herself sick. I know living here is a temp measure but I'm so upset for my kids

Iggly Sun 16-Nov-14 07:31:36

and now takes it upon himselfr to use my dd as a doll and scaring her witless

Who is doing this? Your 4 year old? Or brother?

Who are you leaving dd with for 20 mins? If your ds, take the baby with you. If your brother then same again.

frankiebuns Sun 16-Nov-14 22:36:30

My brother he thinks it's fine to pick her up if she's asleep or take her off me if she's having a feed of he fancies a cuddle.view tell him to stop it but he just shrugs and ignored, me my 4 year . Old has more sense

Mum2dem2 Sun 16-Nov-14 22:59:39

Gosh that sounds so awful, a friend is going thru the exact thing except with her father. I think you need to set boundaries which include physically barring your brother from doing things that upset you. For example, if dd is having a nap, make sure it is in your allocated bedroom and that you are around her if possible when she is sleeping. A sign on the door saying 'stay out' might help. Sounds like your brother doesn't understand the new relationship you have created between yourself and your kids, he still views you as his sister, and therefore fair game for some ribbing or advantage-taking. Sounds like he is also being deliberately mean to you ds. I would find some ways to occupy him when your brother is around. Best thing is to not let small things get under your skin, it'll make things unbearable. Leave on a good note and remember next time, to not stay at your family's home.

Mum2dem2 Sun 16-Nov-14 23:01:24

Btw are you sure he isn't harming your dd. her crying is not a good sign.

EmbarrassedPossessed Sun 16-Nov-14 23:07:01

Do you get on with your parents and does your brother listen to them? Would it help to get them to go over some basic rules about how to interact with you and your DD?

He really must not override your wishes and take your DD off you when you have said no, especially as he upsets her. I would also be worried about why she gets so upset when he has her. His behaviour in ignoring your wishes is bullying and abusive. Tell him clearly he is not to interfere and pick her up without your permission, and he is definitely not to take her from you. If he tries to take her from you when you have said no then don't let go of her and tell him if he continues to try and take her that you will have to call the police.

Is there no way you can move out - stay with friends or other family?

frankiebuns Mon 17-Nov-14 06:11:03

I get on well with my parents my mum is my best friend and dad is great we have no other family around but this is only temporary until our new house becomes liveable in. We have a double bed in the living room that's our bedroom he thinks it ok to go on his computer which is behind the bed until 1am and generally annoy us my Dh works 50+ hours a week and is working shifts so sleep or lack of is getting to him dd sleeps through now it's just him. With my ds he sounds condescending and sarcastic and if ds asks him a question he says I don't know and generally goes back to his phone. I've had problems in the past with brother growing up it wasn't the easiest thing to do I'm trying my best but no seems to not be good enough! I don't think he's harming her I think its that he puts his face right in hers when he speaks to her nose to nose!

Iggly Mon 17-Nov-14 06:49:58

Keep your dd with you and do not leave her with your brother.

Put something by the door to stop him coming in.

Seriously, just because you're staying there as a favour you don't have to put up with that shit.

Mum2dem2 Mon 17-Nov-14 11:22:53

He wants you guys to leave. I'd make it clear to mum and dad that his behavior is worrying you and affecting the kids. Maybe they should talk to him. Maybe you could do it when both parents are around so that it's not behind his back. He should understand that while you are a guest, he too is there as a 'guest' till he gets his own place. He sounds spiteful. I'd have it out, but then again I'm ok with confrontation when behavior is affecting my mental health or my kids general wellbeing. And seriously, you need to get all mother bear on his ass. Don't let him take the piss, or your dd for that matter. If this relationship is going to eff up. It's down to him. Not you. Don't be afraid. Tell him clearly 'no, she is not comfortable around you'. Good luck.

frankiebuns Wed 19-Nov-14 18:49:24

Hi ya had it out with him last night he acted like nothing was wrong I had to give him to her whilst I made a bottle and I instructed him to put her on his shoulder and walk round I looked up and he was rocking her hard up n down I went nuts. He was a tad upset and asked when we were leaving as our house is a building site not anytime soon! I then asked him the same his reply was never! He's 35 works 30 hours a week if he's not on his phone he's on the internet indulging in his hobbies! He doesn't know how the cooker works or how to wash up. My mum who is 64 still makes his lunchbox and cooks his tea. He pays no bills etc. I have given mum 125 a week for bed and board although she insists she doesn't want it. I clean cook etc for everybody

EmbarrassedPossessed Wed 19-Nov-14 20:09:11

There are several different issues here that need to be kept separate.

Your brother should (of course) listen to you and follow your instructions if you want him to help with the baby. I would, however, limit the help you ask for if he doesn't do what you want. E.g. Could you have put the baby down rather than ask your brother to hold him? Also, rather than "go nuts" at him, what would happen if you calmly pointed out what he is doing wrong and show him what to do. Would he respond to encouragement instead of going nuts at him?

The issue of him living at home/not paying rent/not doing chores is separate, and is really between your parents and him. It isn't fair but there is little that you can do about it. Tell your parents and your brother how you feel about it, one time only, and then leave it at that. Try and minimise how much you do for him in the meantime until you get to move out and go to your own house.

Iggly Thu 20-Nov-14 06:45:03

When you make a bottle, take the baby with you. You can pop her in the Moses basket and have her in the same room surely. What do you do if no one is around?
Why set it up to go wrong as it seems to everyone?

MeridianB Thu 20-Nov-14 07:38:24

I agree with Iggly - the one-handed bottle prep is a must here. I wouldn't leave him near her for a second it he sounds as if he's deliberately disturbing her (and ignoring you). The fact that he asked when you were leaving supports Mum2dem2's theory that he's pushing you out.

If you're going to stay there for some months and the living room is your bedroom, will it really work?

Would a B&B be better? It couldn't be any more crowded or give less privacy and it might just save your sanity.

If it has to work at your parents' house then you need a chat about boundaries and ask if they can temporarily move the computer into your brother's bedroom.

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