Problem with mother of my child(14 Posts)
Hello everyone, firstly apologies if this is in the wrong section.
I am a dad to a nearly three year old, and parenting/health issues are becoming a real problem. Me and her mother split up about nine months ago, I have my daughter from Friday to Sunday every week. However, her mum has had health issues for a few years now. Since I've been with her mum about six years ago I've lost every job I've had due to having time off. When we split up it seemed to have all stopped.
Now, since we are separate she has been in hospital near enough every month for a week or more. I lost my job again, and I am having my daughter all the time she is in hospital.
The local children's center has got involved and obviously I'm worried for my daughter, there's no stability and even though she has had funding for a space in nursery for the past year her mother has failed to do anything. I have offered to have my daughter through the week and that was shot down, I've also offered to move back in to help out, she agreed to that but was quickly back into being demanding and controlling even though I was doing her a favour.
She blatantly isn't well enough to look after her, and from what I know very rarely takes her anywhere. What do I do? I can't work as every other week there seems to be a problem, so I'm left in wait on what is going to happen next.
Do I live a life waiting for her to go in hospital? Do I move back in and just concede that my life is going to be like it was? Do I go even further and get someone involved to take over custody?
Bit of a rant, and I'm sorry, but everyone (including her own parents) are sick of the situation (which is mainly brought on by her own drinking problems).
Could you pay for childcare for dd so that you are able to work?
If you are of the opinion that your dd is being neglected or ay risk then Social Services would be a place to go to - however they would need to deem her an unfit mother to take dd from her. You mention her drinking - in what respects?
You can't move in if she doesn't want you there.
It sounds like a difficult situation. I'd say just try and be there for your DD as much as you can.
Firstly, you are legally allowed time off in an emergency to sort out care for a dependent in an emergency so this isn't something that you can be fired for. Does your daughter not go to a nursery?
See a solicitor about getting residency of your DD? Sounds the most sensible course of action to me and if her drinking is well-documented you should get it (assuming you're a fine, upstanding citizen without issues yourself). I wouldn't move back in - sounds like a recipe for disaster. I'd get the legal cogs moving as fast as you can.
Yes and involve SS if the drinking is bad enough to get her hospitalised. No one who is drinking that much should have sole charge of a small DC.
If you aren't working then presumably you could afford to be a stay at home Dad? If your daughter lived with you then she could go to her mother 3 days a week but with you as the home base, then if her mother isn't well enough she can stay at home with you.
Would her parents support that?
It wouldn't make a big difference to the amount of time she spends with each of you if her mother is well (or indeed if her mother is sick given you appear to have her then anyway) but making your house her home base may give her more stability and would allow you to get her into a nursery at least for the 4 days she is with you.
Is there a court order re residence in place - perhaps you can apply to change it.
I would quite happily be the main parent, it would also allow me to work as I could get her in nursery and not have to worry whether the mother is going in hospital or not.
The drinking was a problem in the past but has had long term health implications, she isn't drinking now, as far as I know.
I think the only thing I can do is try and get mediation in place for me to have her for the majority of the week, she has already told me no to the idea, but if I take it further perhaps she will change her mind.
As for legally being allowed time off work, it had been many many weeks off in different jobs. I do contract work which can be cancelled at any time, and they do.
You need to get proper legal advice about getting residency
Agree that you need legal advice.
Obviously you would prefer she agreed but if she doesn't the most important thing is your daughter and what is best for her.
I also agree that it sounds like you being the resident parent would make sense from your child's point of view.
As pp have said, you could then put in place the necessary childcare arrangements to enable you to work reliably, also get access to any financial and other support which might be available to you as resident parent.
Can you not just go and collect your child and keep her living with you?
Failing that, get legal advice about residency, because she should be with you, the parent who is able to provide stability.
Could her grandparents/childminder not watcher her while you're at work and you collect her afterwards? That way you can hold down a job, she's properly cared for and her mother's health issues can be dealt with.
If her mother is that ill she's in hospital every month, can't care for her properly and won't get her into nursery (when at 3 they're at the age where their social skills are developing and nursery is recommended, plus they give the children a good stable environment to help them progress to school more easily) it's likely you'll be granted residency so long as you can prove that you can offer her a more stable and safe home.
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